Friday, December 26, 2008
This year started very slow, with a very small celebration that I learned to be the best with my sisters who I knew they are and will always be the only constant love in this world. Yes! At the age of 27 I firstly realized that I love my sisters more than I ever imagined.
• In January, I started my new blog and it became well known fast, I went to my first TV interview and it helped me to open up more and really face the fact that I really actually like me and in peace with who I am , I started to go regularly to the gym when I realized I’m getting no younger and my body tends to tell this to everyone :D. And it was the first time for me to go to the book fair all by my self and buy non medical books with my own money and I bought Marwa Rakha’s book which I fell in love with instantly.
• Feb., I paid for being “me” when my TV interview made my blog more known and more people knew about me deeply don’t care about how they judge me, the opposite! I met Marwa Rakha face to face for the first and I spent the whole day with her and I felt I wanted to take her home with me.
• March, it was the first time for me to be harassed by a university professor and I understood a lot about being used and abused and I faced fear of being scandalized, fear of him affecting my career and I knew I had the guts to kick everything and have the power of saying no even if it will jeopardize my career.
• April, I got an awful job and I tried my best to keep it cause it was remotely related to medicine and then I took the decision to let go my career unless I get a real chance cause I refuse to be an image of a dream rather than a reality of a wise alternative and I started looking for another full time job that’s not medical. I met someone who became a close friend afterwords
• June, my best friend since I was 11 got married, after hiding being in a relation and before hiding being pregnant putting me through watching her all pregnant for four months, cause she was scared of my “evil spinster eye"! And I neither faced nor blamed her. And my sister left the country for a job, something that I hate till now!
• July, I started my new job as an English instructor for adults where I discovered I can be a good teacher and from which I had a lot of my amazing students as friends afterwords. I started a relationship trying hard to think more than to feel which always seems to be something impossible for me to do. And I realized that I can keep on living while I sleep less than two hours a day for two straight months.
• August, I knew about myself a new thing. My students made me 2 surprise birthday parties and brought me gifts, two days that I will never forget. I was told “I look up to you” from one of my students and I almost cried. I took a good strong decision for only one day and then I bailed and freaked out and let myself be affected by sweat fake talk. And I became 27 which I celebrated with my first birthday party at home for which I invited all my work mates and only 3 came!
• September, OK! This wasn’t pretty at all. I stayed home to study for my masters and had to live an awful and painful month that I wish from the bottom of my heart not to live again. I got very sick at the end, together with studying and dealing with an ugly break up. I welcomed being humiliated, underestimated and degraded . And I lost a lot of weight.
• October, I prayed to God to give me strength which I was generously given, I discovered a new reason why I love medicine and I finally found the way to study medicine for an Egyptian university. I started my exams and kept going with my break up and I got the best help from the people I have in my life. Not related ones before my friends. And I got even faster than I already was in writing English, heheheeeee
• November, I finished my exams and I got the last sms and I made friends with a someone somehow older than me for the first time. And I regained the weight I lost. And I decided to look for ways to stay away from stress since it turned out to be eating my body alive!
• December, I let go a well paying job for a medical opportunity cause I’m so much weaker than letting go medicine though this choice will bring inevitable pain and insecurity. I decided to look for some help concerning my fear of cats. And I am actually planning for moving while I'm writing this.
This year I became more sure unconditioned love is a big fat lie and those who you are only those who show it. There’s no such a thing called “people who will love you no matter what”. And that you work on a relationship, any relationship, and you work really hard. Otherwise you're just a small empty boat in the sea with no sailor and no wind to even push!
This year I disappointed a friend by taking the wrong choice. And I felt really bad.
This year I knew that living with much less money than you're used to when it's a price you pay for what you choose is the most fun of all!!
This year I was told a lot of personal secrets by a lot of people, close people and far ones. And it never made me feel special, I felt so responsible that I was scared for some time.
This year I allowed myself to do what’s against my own principles. And as fool, cheap and foolish this was,it brought me nothing but more pain.
This year I made the mistake of believing I should bribe someone to love me by being not totally me, and that didn't even work!
This year, I found myself so emotionless and harsh with an old friend who hurt me before and I found myself not as forgiving as people prefer to describe themselves .
This year I became more aggressive when I just smell any suspicion that someone I know accuses me of being with an "Evil eye" and I had really long discussion about what is "Hassad" that was mentioned in Quraan and what those mindless superstitious people believe in.
This year I knew that no matter how often they say not to do it, I’ll always show my feelings, I’ll always speak up and I’ll do my best to stay that way.
This year I was really slapped with the actual truth that I may never really get married, before, it wasn't that clear to me. And I had a long honest conversation with myself about that.
This year I found out that my own dictionary defines "Feminism" and " Liberal" a totally different definition than what most of the people do.
This year I realized that me being a feminist is not about ideologies or directions, or beliefs, it’s my nature. It’s who I really am. And it’s what I got sick trying not to be.
This year I saw my mom standing for me and for what I believe in and who I am. Even though she deeply refuses it!
This year I lost all hopes of making things better with my father and I lost the will to do that as well.
This year I became more open and out front with the people I know about the fact that I have space issues and that I panic when I feel someone is invading my space. And that it’s not offending not to answer the phone when I just “don’t feel like it!”
This year I dealt with disagreement, miss understanding and on and on discussions in my blog which was en lighting.
This year, I seriously started to think of publishing a book!
hmmm, well, may be it's not as fancy and affecting as one may wish . But for what it worths, 2008 was a very good year.
Thanks 2008...and goodbye!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
"When you teach a student and then examine then mark his examination papers and fill his evaluation sheets and keep it home and then this same student gets a certificate that he passed the exams with s certain score WHILE YOU STILL ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS BOTH THE EXAMINATION PAPERS, MARKED WITH YOUR OWN HANDWRITING AND THE EVALUATION SHEETS, what do you say, How can this happen?"
End of question.
Back in July 2008, I was assigned by Berlitz Egypt to teach in a project called "Edu Egypt" which stands for educating Egypt. A project held by the ministry of communication aiming to serve graduates of both faculty of commerce and computer science in both Ain Shams and Cairo Universities. Giving them soft skills and English Courses. Berlitz was responsible for the English courses and I was there to teach three English levels for three classes with 12-15 students for each class, in faculty of commerce, Ain Shams University.
I will not talk about the kind of "working environment" we as Berlitz employees faced through this project - this is a totally different, yet not by far less amusing story- Now the course is over.
Couple of weeks ago, my 40 something students received their certificates from Berlitz that they attended three levels at Berlitz Egypt and passed the three level with score ...
I have the examination papers for all my students for level 2 and 3
I have the evaluation sheets for the same students for level 2 and 3
I have their answer sheets with their handwriting, also level 2 and 3
One of my students called me cause he was puzzled by the score and I told him this was wrong and they lied. And then I told him we had to fight this cause it was wrong.
"So what" He said " Nothing will happen ya Dr., you think anyone can get his rights in this country? why should I get mine"
Is this what I should teach my students? Is this what "EDUCATING EGYPT" is all about? What should I tell this student? and How can I face my students afterwords when I go and teach them about "Identity", "Human Rights" and the rest all these fine words?
I was once told by one of my students that these were cliches of no real values and I told him it all depended on him and what he believes in!
Today I don't know .. What should I have told this student? And what should I tell the other one now?
I know it's a matter of time before the people at Berlitz get an idea about this "first but not last" article and I have no idea how they will react - but it's not that hard to imagine- but frankly, I don't care
Monday, November 17, 2008
Car horns were in my ears, Smoke was invading my air, and heat was squeezing my body. Then this voice from the taxi radio of a shaikh saying all people are going to hell came from the background.
People were crossing the street horizontally, cars were moving in all directions, and the feeling of the taxi stopping and going ten times a minute was getting to my nerves.
Then the sound of footsteps started ..The sound of keys .. then the door closed! Amazingly music started to be louder till the guitar started, "best guitar solo that I have ever heard in my life!!" till I wasn't able to perceive anything but these words:
I was spending my time in the doldrums
I was caught in a cauldron of hate
I felt persecuted and paralyzed
I thought that everything else would just wait
While you are wasting your time on your enemies
Engulfed in a fever of spite
Beyond your tunnel vision reality fades
Like shadows into the night
To martyr yourself to caution
Is not going to help at all
because there'll be no safety in numbers
When the right one walks out of the door
** Then the live music from the street .. TV presenter from the news..
Can you see your days blighted by darkness?
Is it true you beat your fists on the floor?
Stuck in a world of isolation
While the ivy grows over the door
So I open my door to my enemies
And I ask could we wipe the slate clean
But they tell me to please go fuck myself
You know you just can't win
Then the best guitar in the world .. at this moment I flew! I flew over place, time and temperature. With the song ending, I found the taxi driver looking at me and he doesn't like it.
He doesn't know where I was that day. He doesn't know I was thinking of her. About what she did to me three years ago. He doesn't know she was the one who taught me not to rely on someone existence in my life.
My god! She was the first friend to be added to my "D & B" *.
And not any friend, she was my best friend!
How bad she hurt me
How deep she affected me
I didn't loose only a friend back then, I lost trust!
He doesn't know she's been trying to talk to me for a year now. She even made some common friends to talk to me about it and not once did I allow anyone to open the subject with me.
Every time I remember her, I remember with bitterness inside. Every time she mails, I look at her name and I feel bad.
"Why can't just let it go?" I asked myself over and over. "Don't I have any good memories for her?" In fact I do.
Till she mailed the last mail (I never expected you to be that harsh!) ... I never expected that either!
(You have to learn to forgive so that you find people to forgive your follies too.) .. I know that!
I don't know why I can't pass what happened between us. I know I have no bad feelings for her now. Have I gone bad? Have I become this black- heart ed and unforgiving loner?
Am I now the "too much" of who I once wanted to be?
I know there was a day that I hoped to be stronger and tougher. I know it took me a lot of self training to be me!
If I feel this bad every time I see her name, why do I feel not OK with not talking to her anymore? I mean this alone is a good reason to be sure we can't be friends anymore.
I realize that. But I wonder why! Why can't I forgive her for what she did ? I look around and I see people forgiving each other. Where have all my forgiveness gone?
All my life, when I flip a page, I never look it up again. Not even a glimpse! This helped me through a lot, it goes even as far as blocking it out, like it never happened from the start!
But now I wonder am I martyring myself to caution? Or is it just human nature?
* (D & B ) is short for delete and block. It's my lovely list of people that I knew and I removed them from my life.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
The fact that someone is still single and he’s growing older is an all-time bugger! For most people think getting older makes it harder to find a partner not to mention a soul mate – supposing they actually exit – especially for women since a big part of the feminine glamour depends on looks and since age affects it big time. So the older the woman gets, the harder it is going to be for her to find a partner.
You know what? Now I’ll surprise you and say I agree! Yes! Every single day a woman passes by makes one step further from where her partner is!
Why? Not cause she gets wrinkles nor cause her body starts to get more fatty, these for some people are even sexier. I know some of men who actually finds the middle aged women hotter than an early twenties one!
It’s cause she becomes more “her” self. One looses this flexibility to accept different characters with age. You can accept having them as friends, close friends; you can even spend weekends or vacations with. But you find it hard to “adapt” to the existence of someone consistently in your life! The “molding” abilities of the person decreases with time.
After a certain age, and after spending sometime wondering between thoughts, one reaches a point where he starts to have definitions and recognitions for things. He starts to have his own comprehension for every aspect. He starts to be “his own”!
Certainly this is fastened and sharpened if the woman lives alone at her place. She is the only owner of the remote control and when she gets back she finds everything right where she left it.
This level of having your life under your control makes it even harder when you’re actually expected to “let go” part of this “control” for someone else and to start “sharing” it with someone.
Why do I say women then? Isn’t this happening to men too? Well yeah, but this profound cause a man is supposed to be “him” all the time, and a woman is expected to do the actually character changes for him, at least most of the time. That’s even why a lot of men prefer marrying a younger wife cause she’ll have all her molding abilities and it’s a higher possibility that she’ll have no personality to be adapted!
I have to say also that the acceptance for the idea of “letting go” and “sharing” is not by far accepted nor allowed by most of men. To some, he won’t be a “man”. To others, this jeopardizes his own self. But to most of them it’s intimidating to be next to a well established, sharply defined, and –mostly- successful woman. I find it dreamy to know a man who doesn’t scared of being involved with such a woman.
So I know now that the older I get, the more I’ll be “me” and the harder it’ll be to find someone. But am I sad about that? Scared? Not at all, cause it’s amazing how you feel you finally reach to your own and be able to define what you really are and where you actually want to go!
Saturday, November 08, 2008
It’s been quite some time now that I recently had the latest break up and I find it hard to get over the whole issue and move on.
Digging deeper into the matter, I found out that I myself don’t actually want to let go, simply cause somehow my twisted mind reached a conclusion that if I really move on this means I wasn’t true about this relationship!!
And so thinking about it, I realized that we resist moving on because we think there’s a proportional relationship between the time we take after the break up to actually regain our lives and how deep our emotions were. And another relationship that measures how profound and true the relation was and relate it to how ruined one’s life is. We intentionally look for the ways that will keep us miserable because we subconsciously need to stay this way to keep on victimizing ourselves and providing our own personality with a romantic=sad flavor!
Who said romance means bitter tears, sad songs and negativity everywhere? Who said that when someone finally finds peace after a break up, he has to look sad, sound miserable and even skip work or act like a complete mess?
If this means anything, it means that we still don’t have faith in ourselves and in our emotions. If I do believe in my love and I am sure I gave that relation the most that I possibly can, then the least I owe myself is peace!
Don’t resist your own power and feed the week demons inside of you to nourish the victim inside you!
Don’t allow anyone – not even yourself – to “test” or “evaluate” your feelings and your giving when you know they are true!
Don’t drag bitterness by listening to sad emotional songs and staying with depressed friends just to keep yourself in the “image”
Don’t mix between loyalty and self destruction and between being loyal to a relationship and being loyal to yourself
And if you’re not a parent, don’t fool yourself that you can love someone more than yourself. Cause simply you shouldn’t and cause simpler, this doesn’t necessarily mean you really love him/her.
Now I’ll go on trying keeping myself positive and won’t blame myself for being OK. I’ll loosen my grip and let go … I’ll just flip the page and be happy as much as I can!
Friday, October 24, 2008
This is supposed to be sad. When I knew this is tonight's topic, I thought memories will chase me and I will have to fight depression. This is not happening.... actually, it's the opposite.
I feel lucky I'm single..In fact I missed being single and this is why...
* I miss enjoying music and going far far away not worrying you'll pull back
* I miss having my friends with no sense of guilt
*I miss being able to focus at my work
*I miss waking up whenever I want cause I slept when I wanted
*I miss having my mobile without caring ..ringing mobile is no longer a "fight alarm"
*I miss laughing at silly sms-s, jokes and even commercials
*I miss sleeping without praying that we don't fight next day
*I miss having my organized life
*I miss feeling good about myself .. my thoughts and my life
*I miss looking at the mirror and feeling ok
- I don't miss the abdominal cramps, the occasional headaches and the continuous nausea.
-I don't miss being emotional blackmailed.
-I don't miss the long, painful, and sad phone calls.
-I don't miss the all-through-the-day fights.
-I don't miss the arrogant sms-s.
-I don't miss being pushed away anytime just cause you "felt like it".
-I don't miss you entering the cave whenever and expecting me to be OK with that.
-I don't miss being scared and sad most of the time.
-I don't miss how lonely i felt when i went for you the times you were "not in the mode"!
-I don't miss being interrogated.
-I don't miss the fact that you never trusted me.
-I don't miss the nightmares..the scary ones..sleeping and awake.
-I don't miss using my believes as a "Joke".
I sure don't miss knowing that after all this, no matter what I did, I was never appreciated!
All these are questions eating my brain alive. Every time I laugh, I see your face and I wonder.. am I betraying what we once had?
I talk about you and I get angry, puzzled and disappointed. Though I failed to understand why you did what you did, I still feel ...... for you.
Anyone can -correctly- fill in the blank;
Can we say pain? May be ..but I can't claim I do all the time.
I know my friends are helping.
I know I owe my masters a lot.
Why don't I miss you ?
Wasn't this love?
Was I lying to you? To myself?
I don't miss you ... I don't resent you
I don't want to see you.. I don't want not to see you
I NOTHING YOU! and for that I feel guilty !!
Do you want to know why? It's cause of how bad you hurt me. Yes!
Typical? I know... true though.
I can never forget how unhappy I was trying to please you when all what you did was asking for more and blaming me for not responding -gladly-!!
I will never forget how many times I couldn't find any loving piece inside you!
How can I forget the moments of despair..pain..tears..oh! a lot of tears!
How could you be this demanding.. How were you able to cut it that short this fast?
I felt something was sucking life out of me.
One day I got sick........what did you do? More demanding..more pain..more guilt!
Oh yea! It wasn't me who didn't love you..it was you
It wasn't me who fooled us..it was you!
It shouldn't be me who feels guilty ..you! ..... No! I do feel guilty!
I am sorry I put my heart through your pain!
I am sorry I made my body suffer sickness and you at the same time!
I am sorry I allowed my pride being this hurt and I watched..silently!
I am sorry I took all this dissatisfaction and I took blame for them too!
I am sorry I hurt me .. I humiliated me..I degraded me .. .. when I loved you!
and for that I feel guilty!
What is it that I feel towards you? I would love to know. I feel something but I can't call it. I have no name for it.
I miss you and I resent you!!
I want to see and I don't want to see you!!
Yesterday I was somewhere we met before..... sad memory? No and Yes.
I told my friends .. we were here doing that. I even saw us and I couldn't say what I felt.
Simply cause I don't know what was that that we had.
I can't describe not having you cause I lost the definition of what was it when I had you.
I am confused, blurred and puzzled
and for that I feel guilty!
I guess I'm just over you...and for that I should not feel guilty
Sunday, July 27, 2008
First of all, I'd like you to be in the same position as I am now. Early in today's morning, I was dedicated a song from a friend by Sarah Brightman, one of really favorite singers. I was so much touched by her voice and I wanted more. I downloaded her latest albums, SYMPHONY, and as I started listening to the songs one after the other, I listened to this one called " Fleur du Mal" and I told myself "Oh my god!" I felt somehow connected, but this can happen a lot, specially to someone who thinks highly of music as something that touches the soul deeper than most values in the world. But it kept hitting me that I know these words from somewhere else. And so I googled it and I remembered. "LES FLEURS DU MAL" which means "The flowers of evil" is a collection of French poems by Charles Baudelaire. A piece that related a lot to themes like eroticism, lust, human power, and above all..how we as human souls tend to somehow choose between evil and good and nourish it to grow into our souls. One very good and sincere part is this :
Si le viol, le poison, le poignard, l'incendie,
N'ont pas encore brodé de leurs plaisants dessins
Le canevas banal de nos piteux destins,
C'est que notre âme, hélas! n'est pas assez hardie.
If rape and poison, dagger and burning,
Have still not embroidered their pleasant designs
On the banal canvas of our pitiable destinies,
It's because our souls, alas, are not bold enough!
I couldn't get the whole poem - if anyone can, I'll be more than happy- but I put the poem with the lyrics with Marwa Rakha's book "THE POISON TREE" which is also a poem for Jim Blake, I put them all together and I flew into a world of mine where everything is pure and clear. Even evil, for it's the blackness of life that makes you appreciate the beauty of the white. Here's the lyrics of the song:
Is it you I keep thinking of?
Should I feel like I do?
I've come to know that I miss your love
While I'm not missing you
Til it's gone
Et les fleurs du mal
Won't let you be
You hold the key to an open door
Will I ever be free?
Les fleurs du mal unfold
Comme les fleurs du mal
Dark demons of my soul
Un amour fatal
Been tryin' hard to fight
Comme les fleurs du mal
Les fleurs du mal inside
Un amour fatal
All my life I've been waiting for
In this perfume of pain
To forget when I needed more
Of love's endless refrain
And we pray
Pour les fleurs du mal
I've lost my way
What is done will return again
Will I ever be free?
Les fleurs du mal
Comme les fleurs du mal
Un amour fatal
Comme les fleurs du mal
the song is here
Monday, June 16, 2008
A relationship where I find myself accepted and appreciated for what I really am with no pressure on me from any place to try doing or being something that I'm not can be called a "healthy" relationship. Whereas being in a place where I loose being self freely is by definition a very bad place where I have to so everything I can to be in frequently.
When it comes to dealing with men, as life partners, there's this list known to many women about the mistakes you can do to end up having the relationship cancer which is "be taken for granted".
So women by ages developed vaccinations, warning flayers and one-to-one and one-to-groups lectures. By time, women are fully aware of the concept of how to keep the man away from the place where he can take you for granted.
But then after a while women and men started to over calculate every move, every word, every gesture and every request from the other side. Cause men haven been also brought up with the same protective method against being "markoub" meaning the weak man controlled by his wife and women are now also armed and ready for their battles.
So now it is so normal that you do the exact opposite of what you actually do. Or say what you don't want to say. If you're in a mode for hanging out and you were asked out you are supposed to say no cause you don't want to be the "easy one".
May be when it's saying no for a hangout it's not the end of the world. After all, I can hang out alone. But won't this make us loose our "being our owns"?
I'm one of those who can't loose being spontaneous or at least natural. If by any chance I started to think of every single word and move, I automatically loose my self confidence and actually a big deal of my creativity.
So now I don't know, I do believe being myself is the best. Still I agree that I can't accept being takes for granted.
Friday, June 13, 2008
This part moves me - like a lot of people- and I thought of sharing it with you.
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
I have a dream today!
I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.
I have a dream today!I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."
The whole speech is here
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Hi dear, How are you? I know I'll be fine. Ever since yesterday, I was thinking of what happened, trying to figure out a reason or an explanation. Since I was a little girl, mom used to tell me life won't give you what you want every time and sometimes it'll beat you where it really hurts and take from you the things that are so dear from you no matter how much you wanted them or how hard it'll be for you to survive losing them. This was ok to my brain, but actually my heart didn't seem to grasp it yet.
I know I loved you from the bottom of my heart. I wanted you like I never wanted anything in my whole life. I had my very few sweetest dreams about you. I only pictured myself happy beside you. To me, you were my salvation, my peace, and you were where I go anytime I needed a friend, a hug, or just to hear you telling me it's going to be ok!. Most of the times, you didn't tell me this, but you didn't have to say it in fact, just be near to you was enough for me.
Through all these years, you were not so nice to me. You turned your back everytime I ran to you and I smiled. You made me cry and I didn't blame you. You made me feel bad about myself and I allowed it. You made it easier for anyone who wanted to hurt me. If this is what it takes to be around you.
No one dared treating me the way you did. No one understood how and why I was ok with it. To some, you were fine but not to that extent. For others, you were not that much of a friend to work this hard to be close to you, just to be a far friend is enough. To all of them you were just a "job". But you know very well you were deep deep in my heart, and they couldn't see why. You know very well you were - are- my passion!
After all, in spite of how bad you were to me, you helped me getting through these tough times.
I gave you chances that you never asked for. I chose to believe you're good to me if by chance you did something nice - unintentionally -. I fooled myself that you're just (tough) or (hard) or that this is just how you are and if I'm as loyal as I claim, I have stick and be strong. I blamed myself for every back step that was taken between us. "It must have been something you should have done and missed" I recited that to myself over and over. There's no such a valuable thing in this life that comes easily and I used that to motivate myself to work even harder. But it was never hard enough, I was never good enough.
I refused each and every sign of failure, and they were not a few.
I refused the advices from all the people who told me I should get a way out.
I refused even listening to my own self when I told me "Enough"
I do believe every person is meant to have this really bad relationship in his life. The one that hurts the most, the one that never gets better no matter how hard one tries to work it. And it's this relationship that either makes the soul as strongest.. as powerful.. and as fearless as it can get, or sabotages it for good.
I know I have to be strong now. And it's not cause I refuse that, or cause I don't want it. But because I can't take it anymore!
So I'll be gone for a while. I can't promise to come back though I'm not saying I won't. It's just that I need to be distant from you for sometime.
No matter what happens I will never forget you. And I'll always always love you from the deepest part of my heart.
P.S.: I have to thank my friend Marwa Rakha cause she's the one who inspired me with this idea of writing you a letter.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Strength is a miraculous power by which some people are blessed. It's by their internal strength that they pass through pain.
Lately I started to feel my strength is a my misery. For some people think as long as I can survive so the pain is Ok!!
In Neurology, there's a concept called " The threshold of pain " It's about the fact that each nerve is built up with the maximum excitation that the nerve can take above which the nerve will send some signals for the person to recognize that his body is under attack to take an action away from the pain.
Couple of years ago, I had this slight pain in my teeth which I was puzzled by. As my sister is a dentist, I showed her and she told why don't you come at my work to check it and I did. She and her supervisor doctor were shocked, I saw it in their faces that I was worried for a while. "What's the matter?" I anxiously asked... " You have a very deep caries in one of your molars" She said .." and you're lucky it didn't reach the nerve bulb, I wonder how it took this long to feel the pain. You really have a very high pain threshold"
She was complementing me but here it shows how my "High pain threshold" isn't much of a bless for it masks the fact that I'm being hurt and it fools everyone, me included, that I can take it while the fact is my body can't.
Yes, there were time in my life when I hated my strength! There were times that envied people who loose consciousness when they are put under stress for other do their best not to stress on them.
I wished I broke down into pieces may be he'd leave me alone.
I wished my heart would stop beaten for you to stop grasping it with your grip.
I wished for even to die for the pain to go away!
May be my death will take you out of my waisted life. May be earth and dust will be more merciful on my stabbed heart. May be this will make all the pain, aches and bitterness go far far from my gone soul.
It's my strength that helps me surviving you each time.
And it's my survival that challenges you to hit harder every time.
OK! Fine!! I'll say it! Just leave me alone!!I swear to god I can't take it anymore..
Do you need to see me broken into pieces for you to leave in peace?
What if my body is so stronger than to be crushed?
What if my heart is sighing "Enough"!!
But no! You'll keep hitting every piece
You'll keep killing every beat
You'll keep fighting every bit of hope..every trace of pride and sign of independence
I know no way to tell you this...But really truly I honestly can't take it anymore!!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Few hours ago, I just finished watching the movie " American History X" . And Couldn't stop thinking.
What an amazing movie that touches a deep part of human nature, a part that actually shapes the rest of the pieces needed for a person to be be "human". This part is called " Faith"!
Forget about Blacks, Whites, Nazis. Ans mind the whole American history. This movie takes us to a very insightful journey inside the human brain. How it is so easy sometimes to fill it with all the crap of judgmental hatred and chaos, as long as you're giving this particular brain the privilege of being the smarter and so long you're reciting to him over and over that he's a hero and that he's defending a bigger cause.
How many people , young people, have you seen who are bold, naked, accessorrized and they have this look in their eyes. The look that says " I know I'm great! I know I represent what's right and what life is really all about. I'm sure I'm better, but I'm so empty headed and my soul is being fed by nothing but bitterness and grudge against each and everyone who is not me and I even have no reason for all this!"
I know I have seen some of them. Actually I was lucky to see a variety of them; Islamics, Seculars, Communists, anti feminists..etc
They are all the same. Same look, same attitude, same arrogance, same shallowness, and even same boldness sometimes!
They all have the same book containing the same vocabulary but may be in different order.
But what really touched me in the movie was not all this. It's the journey itself! Starting from the mere belief without any traces of comprehension, passing through the massive painful failure when life tests those statues and it becomes stabbing obvious how fragile all this system really is, ending by self destruction and agony.
It's the very well known story of how terrorism came to our lives taking all the air and giving us anger and stubbornness instead to breath.
Smart people question what they grow up into. Pure people ask their hearts, for hearts never lie.
Brave people don't fake. If they don't buy it they say it and they say it out loud!
They are the ones change the world, they are those who make history and they are always the ones who pay everything- even their lives sometimes- for defending the truth and for declaring it!
I'll end this quoting from the movie .. This is the last lines said:
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Why is your power always conditioned by my helplessness? Am I not allowed to gain power from you?
Why is it always you who really matters? Am I not naturally your life time priority?
Why do you enjoy reminding me of how lonely I am when your hug is supposed to be more than enough?
Why is making you vanish my need, my goal and my salvation while your absence for others is a catastrophe?
Why do I only feel small, defensive, lonely, helpless, useless, harmless, tasteless, and even colorless at your presence and so why is your presence accompanied by me not liking me?
Is that what you want? Is that all what it is about? Cause you don't like me? Cause you refuse me?
If only you knew..
If only you knew....
If only you knew I fight the world picturing you.
If only you knew I fear any one who looks, eats,talks,walks,breaths or even just a man like you.
If only you knew I wish for a place where I know you can't reach.
If only you knew I pray for a wall that you can't break.
Right now I challenge you when I know I can't!
Right now I am gathering every piece of my power while I know I don't have!
Right now I want to sigh and I can feel your grip round my throat!
Right now I want to hit you hard to make you any close of how unbearably painful it is for me!
Right now I even silently cry but...
but One day
One day I will let you know how strong I can be
One day I will make you feel the burns that ate inside of me
One day I will laugh not scared of you
One day you will hear my giggle & you won't be able to say a word. It was never a crime
One day I will also cry and won't consider your false sense of victory, for tears were never a shame nor will be a sign of defeat
One day I will open my eyes, raise my head, spread my arms , stretch my lungs and I will not be hunted by the memories of you!
Yet, I'll remember
I'll remember that you left no chance for breaking me
I'll remember that you took every opportunity to stab my soul
I'll remember that it was you who said it in every possible way " I don't want you" " I don't like you"
I'll remember that you were the cause for the tear marks on her cheeks, for the deep sadness appealing from her eyes, for the deprivation she suffered till she no longer can perceive
I'll remember that it was you who absorbed all the air for no one to breath but you.. fresh air was yours and only yours to distribute
I'll remember that it was you who sucked any life in front of you for no life deserve to grow except this grown by you
Why ... If only ... Right now ... One day ... and I'll remember
Sunday, March 30, 2008
The show starts as auditions session in almost every state choosing all the potential talents that indicate a possible star. Then they gather them in the camp-like studio where they are subjected to several kinds of tests concerning what could be required from them as singers or dancers till the judges choose their top 20 for the season.
After which, each week, the candidates have their own show then after the end of the episode the phone lines are kept open for 2 hours for ppl to vote which was their favourite. Of which the bottom three with the lowest percentage of votes are in the danger zone where the judges choose one of the three to go and leave the competition till they are top 10 where judges have no say in this and only the one with lowest votes will go and then the winner is declared.
i won't go into the details of the credibility of the show and the real amazing talents that these 2 shows present to us as you can easily know that by just trying to know who the winners are. You will be amazed by how successful they are now.
What I really wanna talk about, is the first steps, THE AUDISIONS, My god!! you can't imagine who lame they can be sometimes. As for the first show .. you can actually hear tone-deaf ppl, nasally deformed persons, and even ppl with shyness and attitude problems. Psychos..nuts..and even those who have no categorization!!
I'm not mocking people here, I'm just amazed by this human ability to "fool" thyself that someone can actually allow himself to enter a talent serious contest in something that any 3 years old can literally cry his tears from how bad his performance can reach!
Haven't you ever asked yourself if you do the same? Not necessarily in singing or dancing.. It can be anything you're involved in.
Then there's the second type of contestants, Those who are good but not good enough. They are "OK" but not a star material. I actually remember Simone Fuller - the very harsh and sometimes rude executive and judge- when he says this over and over; "You are as good as performing in front of your family, but people won't grab their phones to vote for you nor pay money to actually listen to you" or " You are no news" or " you are from the book".
Now ... here's the question; Have you ever asked yourself if you're actually as specially good as you think you are?
So we all can write, but how many of us whose words will really be read 20 ..50 ..100 years from now?
Many of us are thinkers .. rebellions .. and revolutionaries, but which one of us will change his own history with a step that can touch someones life and affect it?
I know glory as itself cannot be a goal for life. It's by how amazingly you alter in your life structure that history will mention your name - probably even years after your death- with great deal of appreciation.
But the idea that freaks me out and kept me from sleeping for 3 days now - as the last episode I watched was last Friday- is how can I know that I'm not fooling myself?
Is passion enough? or passion with hard work? or is it the real unconditoned beyond doubt faith that will motivate me every time I feel I need a push??
As much as I hate lying..I get disgusted by humans who lie to themselves. As much as I refuse fakeness, a fake soul makes my stomach butterflies urge to kick. As much as I believe in myself, I would love it if I made sure that I'm not fooling her nor feeding her false hopes or "just OK" talents. I believe each one of us has his "Star Material" potential. This area where his footsteps will be marked no matter how long time passes after.
It's ones own responsibility and ultimate search to find this sand on which his feet will mark and to choose the "how,when,why & where" he will take these steps.
So do you have any clues? Are you sure of them? How often do you allow your questions to pump? Do you answer them? Are you " Lame..just OK ..not star material..special"? Where are you in every little path that you took someday, wish to take, planning to, or even taking just right now?
Sunday, March 16, 2008
She woke up after one of her sleepless almost fainting naps hearing nothing but the sound of silence.
Everyone told her it'll pass..this will get better by time and the pain will eventually fade away. She kept looking inside her soul for that road with no pain at its end. They told her we'r being given the pain we can take even when we don't believe so, so she searched her heart for that point that ached least till it hurted more. With her turning around, her eyes were trying to spot a place where light isn't stabbingly painfull..even oxygen irritated her lungs.
Suddenly she was no where, like a scene from a Sci-Fic movie, a circular creature with her at the centre taking everything around. She wasn't at the center of that circle, she was the circle itself...The void was growing eating the space. She was no where..she felt she's no one.
Her six senses were functioning normally conducting emptiness into her soul. Even tears at some point were useless as they are only helpful when there's a pain to express..her pain was above this threshold of expression. May be it was so painfull that all her sensations were eaten alive.
She sat..stood..drove or lied down trying hard to thinnk os something good in her life.. to remind of her eyes of a lovely scene ..her ears with a touching piece of music , and her soul of any left traces of a life was once in her body.
People kept telling her it'll go away.." You'll get stronger" they repeatedly said..."your eyes will pick only better colours, your ears will now taste more of what's expressive not describtive, and your heart will......."
"Will what???" She interrupted.. "will love again? laugh again? need again? wait again..bleed again..and ache again??"
Feeling her hearts deepest fear,she ran into it, hugged it and promised protection. At that point her eyes were washed..tears cleared the image, she now sees things more clearly and music even has a better impact..now she likes listening to what's only pure..the sound of the see, the giggle of a child.. Is her soul happier? She won't lie, she can't tell, but at least she knows now she can rest on her peaceful fluffy pad of "Equilibruim" and her heart smiled at the new hope of the pain going away. Now she can feel the pain, and now she can take it!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Human interaction is a need and a necessity. One no matter how hard he recites to himself can't live alone. It's through this interactions that we get the right to claim ourselves as humans.
One of the hardest and sweetest forms and the most discussed by man is "Love" and how man can fall in love, It's really amazing how we choose the words to express our thoughts and emotions unintentionally .. "Fall in love" .. Fall .. we tend to tell ourselves that we have no control on such an emotion, and - to keep on puzzling me- most people like it!!
The closer you get to a person, the more you surrender a part of your soul to. The extreme image of this of course is motherhood. This level of emotional dependance that's mandatory to categorize yourself as a person "in love" is what really amazes me.
Why is it so easy to some people?
Why is it so hard to me?
Is there another shapes of human intemacy that doesn't require this?
Mind all these questions, the real question is ... Am I able to do this?
Will I be ever able to let myself this helpless that an another person can actually play a very big role in defining my modes .. actions .. decisions?
The way I see it is that what I call it the " Emotional Dependance " mandatory for love is the hardest, toughest and the sweetest thing about love but yet.. it's an ability that requires open honest discussion between a person and himself, a lot of self-supervizes self training, and above all, the will to risk and take the chances!!
So from ehere I see it, Love is an ability and till now I can't claim I have it. What about you??