Monday, December 18, 2006


couple of days I was asked to give my list of my -thing to deal with in Egypt- that I hate, and here it is;

* I hate it when I get into a bus and everyone in it stares at me
* I hate it when I'm in a bus reading something and the one next to me sticks his eyes into what I'm reading even if it's something that he can't follow
* I hate it when a mother walks with her kid next to cars and she's next to the pavement!!
* I hate it when I have to yell , curse and scream explaining to the patients that there's a "line" and "turn"
* I hate it when people gush into the elevator without giving a millisecond chance for those in it to come out.
* I hate it when someone presses on the elevator button 98456238945738945 times like it "hayseeb elly fe 2eedo we yeeegy"!!
* I hate it when someone puts his finger on the elevator button and doesn't leave it "ta3ala hena 7alan .. ana 3ayzak delwa2ty"!!
* I hate it when I'm in a public place in an elevator and I find minimum of five healthy people getting out at the 3rd floor!!!
* You know what? I hate elevators!
* I hate it when I look anywhere to see a man spitting!
* Not to mention the rest of the human physiological actions where you feel the street is his own living room, bedroom and of course...his favorite bathroom!
* I even hate it more when he's close enough so that I can hear the sound effects - like it's an art!-
* I hate it when a 2 cars wide street takes 3 and everyone is scared about his car mirrors and when I don't do that, my family gets cursed and my mom takes most of the prize.
* I hate it when I'm in a bank and someone stands right behind me while I'm counting my money!!
* I hate it when I ask 7 taxis for a ride and none of them agrees regardless where I wanna go (yemshy fady a7san) !!
After looking at this image in the middle of an article about the power of Muslim brotherhood in the country and their undesirable influences on the masses - something that I myself agree with- .I got so furious for couple of seconds when I saw what's written as a proof of what they wanna say about the retarded face of human rights , then I got disgusted when I looked up and I saw what they use as "hijab" .... So mean btw. .

Then I started thinking ;
I can't agree that what these two women wear has anything to do what Islam asked the woman to wear - of course to how I comprehend it- , and yet No, I don't like it that
I refuse it when anyone who opposes the Muslim Brotherhood or any Islamic attitude uses Hijab as a symbol of "the violence of human rights " which is practiced by such structures as Muslim brotherhood.
I can't stand staying for 30 min with anyone who can represent or atleast supports those structures as I myself refuses almost every ideology on which thier whole existance depends!
I'm - proudly- veiled, but still I can't take it to stay in a mosque for half an hour!!

This is not only the case, For dozens of reasons I can't be categorized as a woman, Yet , if not for anything that I really despise at least for the biological reasons , I'm not a man.

This sense of individuality has been always a source of my internal power and sense of faith in both my self and my world .
But still, I've reached a point where I can't feel this "BELONGING" anywhere! I don't belong to any system, nor to any group of people. Is it because I gave myself the liberty to think,wonder and evaluate till I refused almost most of everything?? Am I to that extent a loner?

Mind the reasons, not meaning that trying to understand them isn't an issue that has to be discussed, but now the outcome is what really matters.
Here I am , someone who can be easily isolated from anywhere without feeling weird about it.
I can merge anywhere yet I hate everywhere !!

I have to admit it's something that gave my personality great deal of confidence, independence and security- as I'm the only source of reassurance for my own self". But still sometimes it makes me feel lonely to a silly extent. Believe it or not I pass through moments when I need to need someone. - Of course here comes the very ironic question"will you at least find her/him?" but sometimes needing what u can't get is so normal that u wish it for yourself!!

What to do? Can I claim for what I don't believe in to fit in? No .. not that I won't or that I don't accept, I simply can't

How do deal with libertarians when they attack my religion - which I refuse- using what wrongly thought to be regulations claimed by those who hired themselves as religion protectors - to which I object-?

How to deal with the stupidity and selfishness of men and with the negativity and psychological dependence of women?

OK! Skip those now, after all , who put me in the situation of humanity's lawyer? I believe in personal freedom with a very thin limitation guarded by the "overall interest" and so any one - including me - can do, say and believe in whatever he wishes. But, until now I'm the only one I know to have problems in fitting in community because of that.

I'm not making any sense and I will not.
It's cosmic conversation that I frequently have between me and myself that I know will not end - tell u the truth, I don't wish it ends;)-


Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Thought you had all the answers
to rest your heart upon
but something happens
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself
now you're out there swimming
in the deep
Life keeps tumbling you heart in circles
till you let go
till you shed your pride and you climb to heaven
and you throw yourself off
now you're out there spinning
in the deep