Saturday, April 19, 2008

Why ... If only ... Right now ... One day ... and I'll remember!

Why do you get your strength when you're only sure of my weakness? Aren't you supposed to be a source of mine?

Why is your power always conditioned by my helplessness? Am I not allowed to gain power from you?

Why is it always you who really matters? Am I not naturally your life time priority?

Why do you enjoy reminding me of how lonely I am when your hug is supposed to be more than enough?

Why is making you vanish my need, my goal and my salvation while your absence for others is a catastrophe?

Why do I only feel small, defensive, lonely, helpless, useless, harmless, tasteless, and even colorless at your presence and so why is your presence accompanied by me not liking me?

Is that what you want? Is that all what it is about? Cause you don't like me? Cause you refuse me?

If only you knew..
If only you knew....

If only you knew I fight the world picturing you.
If only you knew I fear any one who looks, eats,talks,walks,breaths or even just a man like you.
If only you knew I wish for a place where I know you can't reach.
If only you knew I pray for a wall that you can't break.

Right Now,

Right now I challenge you when I know I can't!
Right now I am gathering every piece of my power while I know I don't have!
Right now I want to sigh and I can feel your grip round my throat!
Right now I want to hit you hard to make you any close of how unbearably painful it is for me!
Right now I even silently cry but...

but One day

One day I will let you know how strong I can be
One day I will make you feel the burns that ate inside of me
One day I will laugh not scared of you
One day you will hear my giggle & you won't be able to say a word. It was never a crime
One day I will also cry and won't consider your false sense of victory, for tears were never a shame nor will be a sign of defeat
One day I will open my eyes, raise my head, spread my arms , stretch my lungs and I will not be hunted by the memories of you!

Yet, I'll remember

I'll remember that you left no chance for breaking me
I'll remember that you took every opportunity to stab my soul
I'll remember that it was you who said it in every possible way " I don't want you" " I don't like you"
I'll remember that you were the cause for the tear marks on her cheeks, for the deep sadness appealing from her eyes, for the deprivation she suffered till she no longer can perceive
I'll remember that it was you who absorbed all the air for no one to breath but you.. fresh air was yours and only yours to distribute
I'll remember that it was you who sucked any life in front of you for no life deserve to grow except this grown by you

Why ... If only ... Right now ... One day ... and I'll remember