Friday, October 24, 2008

I miss being single, and that's why!

It's 11 pm on one Monday night. I'm studying physiology cause I have my oral exam Tomorrow and listening to "After Dark with Erin Fleming and Marwa Rakha". They are talking about first dates.

This is supposed to be sad. When I knew this is tonight's topic, I thought memories will chase me and I will have to fight depression. This is not happening.... actually, it's the opposite.

I feel lucky I'm single..In fact I missed being single and this is why...

* I miss enjoying music and going far far away not worrying you'll pull back
* I miss having my friends with no sense of guilt
*I miss being able to focus at my work
*I miss waking up whenever I want cause I slept when I wanted
*I miss having my mobile without caring ..ringing mobile is no longer a "fight alarm"
*I miss laughing at silly sms-s, jokes and even commercials
*I miss sleeping without praying that we don't fight next day
*I miss having my organized life
*I miss feeling good about myself .. my thoughts and my life
*I miss looking at the mirror and feeling ok

- I don't miss the abdominal cramps, the occasional headaches and the continuous nausea.
-I don't miss being emotional blackmailed.
-I don't miss the long, painful, and sad phone calls.
-I don't miss the all-through-the-day fights.
-I don't miss the arrogant sms-s.
-I don't miss being pushed away anytime just cause you "felt like it".
-I don't miss you entering the cave whenever and expecting me to be OK with that.
-I don't miss being scared and sad most of the time.
-I don't miss how lonely i felt when i went for you the times you were "not in the mode"!
-I don't miss being interrogated.
-I don't miss the fact that you never trusted me.
-I don't miss the nightmares..the scary ones..sleeping and awake.
-I don't miss using my believes as a "Joke".

I sure don't miss knowing that after all this, no matter what I did, I was never appreciated!

I'm over you .. and for that I feel giulty!

Do I miss you? Do I miss your love? Was I in real love? or have I lost the ability to love inside me?

All these are questions eating my brain alive. Every time I laugh, I see your face and I wonder.. am I betraying what we once had?
I talk about you and I get angry, puzzled and disappointed. Though I failed to understand why you did what you did, I still feel ...... for you.

Anyone can -correctly- fill in the blank;
Can we say pain? May be ..but I can't claim I do all the time.

I know my friends are helping.
I know I owe my masters a lot.

Why don't I miss you ?
Wasn't this love?
Was I lying to you? To myself?

I don't miss you ... I don't resent you
I don't want to see you.. I don't want not to see you

I NOTHING YOU! and for that I feel guilty !!

Do you want to know why? It's cause of how bad you hurt me. Yes!
Typical? I know... true though.

I can never forget how unhappy I was trying to please you when all what you did was asking for more and blaming me for not responding -gladly-!!

I will never forget how many times I couldn't find any loving piece inside you!

How can I forget the moments of despair..pain..tears..oh! a lot of tears!

How could you be this demanding.. How were you able to cut it that short this fast?

I felt something was sucking life out of me.

One day I got sick........what did you do? More demanding..more pain..more guilt!

Oh yea! It wasn't me who didn't love was you
It wasn't me who fooled was you!
It shouldn't be me who feels guilty! ..... No! I do feel guilty!

I am sorry I put my heart through your pain!

I am sorry I made my body suffer sickness and you at the same time!

I am sorry I allowed my pride being this hurt and I watched..silently!

I am sorry I took all this dissatisfaction and I took blame for them too!

I am sorry I hurt me .. I humiliated me..I degraded me .. .. when I loved you!

and for that I feel guilty!

What is it that I feel towards you? I would love to know. I feel something but I can't call it. I have no name for it.
I miss you and I resent you!!
I want to see and I don't want to see you!!

Yesterday I was somewhere we met before..... sad memory? No and Yes.
I told my friends .. we were here doing that. I even saw us and I couldn't say what I felt.
Simply cause I don't know what was that that we had.
I can't describe not having you cause I lost the definition of what was it when I had you.

I am confused, blurred and puzzled

and for that I feel guilty!

I guess I'm just over you...and for that I should not feel guilty