Thursday, June 12, 2008

"Farewell" to my medical career


Hi dear, How are you? I know I'll be fine. Ever since yesterday, I was thinking of what happened, trying to figure out a reason or an explanation. Since I was a little girl, mom used to tell me life won't give you what you want every time and sometimes it'll beat you where it really hurts and take from you the things that are so dear from you no matter how much you wanted them or how hard it'll be for you to survive losing them. This was ok to my brain, but actually my heart didn't seem to grasp it yet.

I know I loved you from the bottom of my heart. I wanted you like I never wanted anything in my whole life. I had my very few sweetest dreams about you. I only pictured myself happy beside you. To me, you were my salvation, my peace, and you were where I go anytime I needed a friend, a hug, or just to hear you telling me it's going to be ok!. Most of the times, you didn't tell me this, but you didn't have to say it in fact, just be near to you was enough for me.

Through all these years, you were not so nice to me. You turned your back everytime I ran to you and I smiled. You made me cry and I didn't blame you. You made me feel bad about myself and I allowed it. You made it easier for anyone who wanted to hurt me. If this is what it takes to be around you.
No one dared treating me the way you did. No one understood how and why I was ok with it. To some, you were fine but not to that extent. For others, you were not that much of a friend to work this hard to be close to you, just to be a far friend is enough. To all of them you were just a "job". But you know very well you were deep deep in my heart, and they couldn't see why. You know very well you were - are- my passion!
After all, in spite of how bad you were to me, you helped me getting through these tough times.

I gave you chances that you never asked for. I chose to believe you're good to me if by chance you did something nice - unintentionally -. I fooled myself that you're just (tough) or (hard) or that this is just how you are and if I'm as loyal as I claim, I have stick and be strong. I blamed myself for every back step that was taken between us. "It must have been something you should have done and missed" I recited that to myself over and over. There's no such a valuable thing in this life that comes easily and I used that to motivate myself to work even harder. But it was never hard enough, I was never good enough.
I refused each and every sign of failure, and they were not a few.
I refused the advices from all the people who told me I should get a way out.
I refused even listening to my own self when I told me "Enough"

I do believe every person is meant to have this really bad relationship in his life. The one that hurts the most, the one that never gets better no matter how hard one tries to work it. And it's this relationship that either makes the soul as strongest.. as powerful.. and as fearless as it can get, or sabotages it for good.
I know I have to be strong now. And it's not cause I refuse that, or cause I don't want it. But because I can't take it anymore!
So I'll be gone for a while. I can't promise to come back though I'm not saying I won't. It's just that I need to be distant from you for sometime.

No matter what happens I will never forget you. And I'll always always love you from the deepest part of my heart.

Eman Hashim

P.S.: I have to thank my friend Marwa Rakha cause she's the one who inspired me with this idea of writing you a letter.

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