Thursday, May 29, 2008
Strength ..... A whole different perspective
Strength is a miraculous power by which some people are blessed. It's by their internal strength that they pass through pain.
Lately I started to feel my strength is a my misery. For some people think as long as I can survive so the pain is Ok!!
In Neurology, there's a concept called " The threshold of pain " It's about the fact that each nerve is built up with the maximum excitation that the nerve can take above which the nerve will send some signals for the person to recognize that his body is under attack to take an action away from the pain.
Couple of years ago, I had this slight pain in my teeth which I was puzzled by. As my sister is a dentist, I showed her and she told why don't you come at my work to check it and I did. She and her supervisor doctor were shocked, I saw it in their faces that I was worried for a while. "What's the matter?" I anxiously asked... " You have a very deep caries in one of your molars" She said .." and you're lucky it didn't reach the nerve bulb, I wonder how it took this long to feel the pain. You really have a very high pain threshold"
She was complementing me but here it shows how my "High pain threshold" isn't much of a bless for it masks the fact that I'm being hurt and it fools everyone, me included, that I can take it while the fact is my body can't.
Yes, there were time in my life when I hated my strength! There were times that envied people who loose consciousness when they are put under stress for other do their best not to stress on them.
I wished I broke down into pieces may be he'd leave me alone.
I wished my heart would stop beaten for you to stop grasping it with your grip.
I wished for even to die for the pain to go away!
May be my death will take you out of my waisted life. May be earth and dust will be more merciful on my stabbed heart. May be this will make all the pain, aches and bitterness go far far from my gone soul.
It's my strength that helps me surviving you each time.
And it's my survival that challenges you to hit harder every time.
OK! Fine!! I'll say it! Just leave me alone!!I swear to god I can't take it anymore..
Do you need to see me broken into pieces for you to leave in peace?
What if my body is so stronger than to be crushed?
What if my heart is sighing "Enough"!!
But no! You'll keep hitting every piece
You'll keep killing every beat
You'll keep fighting every bit of hope..every trace of pride and sign of independence
I know no way to tell you this...But really truly I honestly can't take it anymore!!