Monday, November 17, 2008

What the taxi driver didn't know!

Getting out of our building, waving to a taxi and I got in.
Car horns were in my ears, Smoke was invading my air, and heat was squeezing my body. Then this voice from the taxi radio of a shaikh saying all people are going to hell came from the background.
People were crossing the street horizontally, cars were moving in all directions, and the feeling of the taxi stopping and going ten times a minute was getting to my nerves.
Then the sound of footsteps started ..The sound of keys .. then the door closed! Amazingly music started to be louder till the guitar started, "best guitar solo that I have ever heard in my life!!" till I wasn't able to perceive anything but these words:

I was spending my time in the doldrums
I was caught in a cauldron of hate
I felt persecuted and paralyzed
I thought that everything else would just wait

While you are wasting your time on your enemies
Engulfed in a fever of spite
Beyond your tunnel vision reality fades
Like shadows into the night

To martyr yourself to caution
Is not going to help at all
because there'll be no safety in numbers
When the right one walks out of the door

** Then the live music from the street .. TV presenter from the news..

Can you see your days blighted by darkness?
Is it true you beat your fists on the floor?
Stuck in a world of isolation
While the ivy grows over the door

So I open my door to my enemies
And I ask could we wipe the slate clean
But they tell me to please go fuck myself
You know you just can't win

Then the best guitar in the world .. at this moment I flew! I flew over place, time and temperature. With the song ending, I found the taxi driver looking at me and he doesn't like it.
He doesn't know where I was that day. He doesn't know I was thinking of her. About what she did to me three years ago. He doesn't know she was the one who taught me not to rely on someone existence in my life.
My god! She was the first friend to be added to my "D & B" *.
And not any friend, she was my best friend!
How bad she hurt me
How deep she affected me
I didn't loose only a friend back then, I lost trust!
He doesn't know she's been trying to talk to me for a year now. She even made some common friends to talk to me about it and not once did I allow anyone to open the subject with me.
Every time I remember her, I remember with bitterness inside. Every time she mails, I look at her name and I feel bad.
"Why can't just let it go?" I asked myself over and over. "Don't I have any good memories for her?" In fact I do.
Till she mailed the last mail (I never expected you to be that harsh!) ... I never expected that either!
(You have to learn to forgive so that you find people to forgive your follies too.) .. I know that!
I don't know why I can't pass what happened between us. I know I have no bad feelings for her now. Have I gone bad? Have I become this black- heart ed and unforgiving loner?
Am I now the "too much" of who I once wanted to be?
I know there was a day that I hoped to be stronger and tougher. I know it took me a lot of self training to be me!
If I feel this bad every time I see her name, why do I feel not OK with not talking to her anymore? I mean this alone is a good reason to be sure we can't be friends anymore.
I realize that. But I wonder why! Why can't I forgive her for what she did ? I look around and I see people forgiving each other. Where have all my forgiveness gone?
All my life, when I flip a page, I never look it up again. Not even a glimpse! This helped me through a lot, it goes even as far as blocking it out, like it never happened from the start!
But now I wonder am I martyring myself to caution? Or is it just human nature?

* (D & B ) is short for delete and block. It's my lovely list of people that I knew and I removed them from my life.

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