I started writing this post like I do every year, but in the middle I found out it could not be summed up in one post.
This one was written while listening to an incredibly beautiful violin played by Marwan Anwer
1- Before Jan 25th
I started last year as I ended the year before; exhausted, drained, and frustrated. Pure survival instinct – of no choice of mine – was the only reason I woke up every day.
First day was so sad, following the news of those who were murdered in the two saints church, and it was not the first time I think like “How would it be if I was one of them?”
Thinking about death consumed a lot of my time. especially that I was on a Christmas vacation at work. I had all the time in the world to be so sure that there is something seriously going on wrong in my life.
Emptiness has started to invade my soul, and the void inside my heart to grow that it was really hard to breath. I used to eat to imagine food swallowed in the void taking any space to free my lungs… it didn’t happen. I felt fat, I felt heavy!
Loss of purpose was getting into me till I decided to leave. Not to a fancy country or to look for a nice job. I applied to be an emergency doctor in literally every war zone on the face of the planet; Palestine, Iraq, Afghanistan, Nigeria during the conflicts… etc
The idea of either dying or living saving someone else’s life was so relieving that I spent hours day dreaming about it to survive a day!
I came back to work from the Christmas vacation to figure out that where I work is just one more place in Egypt where everything wring is OK. They deducted from my salary and started to give me their “Egyptian Employers” best!
I knew that day that this was just one more job where I have to suck it up and endure. Problem was I was already maxed out!
Two days before the revolution, I was invited to a friend’s birthday. She’s not the type of friends whom you call every day, or every month for that matter. But she’s one of those with whom you meet every now and then to share few tears and some laughs and go back to your life!
I was the normal me during that birthday; talking with people, playing the role of the organizer being invited to do so, giving my most attention to blow colorful bubbles with a baby, and laughing on jokes.
Didn’t know that day would be one of the most important days of my life!
Next day, I went to work, and was called by the HR to get paid cause the 25th – when we normally got paid – was going to be a holiday.
I took the money, and left thanking God for one more day of the nothingness!