Monday, December 27, 2010

What a year! No words for it!

I’ve been trying to write this post for days with no luck, then I realized that I was avoiding it, cause it’s probably one of the hardest things I will have to write about.
How can I write about this year? Short version? Long one? Month view? By days? By problems? By tears? I don’t remember I was that unhappy like I was in 2010, yet I can’t just say it was an unhappy year.

Let’s see, Quick version? OK. In 2010, I lost my place, my savings, my family so-called bond, who are thought-to-be friends, and was close to lose one of my sisters. I got my heart broken, and I lost track of life and control over anything happening to or with me. I don’t remember I ever cried that much, and I don’t know a time when I was that consciously scared. I knew I am loved, and that I am hated, and I realized why exactly that happens.

More detailed version? Fine.

I started this year with a conclusion that the “Sinister Spinster” is a stage, and I had to evolve. Like any other big decision that I've taken, it was a moment when I knew I want to start a new voice and a moment to reach a name!
Throughout 2010, I read so much about women, violence, and violence against women. I knew a lot of dedicated women, and so many fake ones too. I knew this is what I wanted to live for, and this is what I wanted to do. I found my passion!
But as everything this year, I couldn’t peruse it as I wanted, and I knew what it takes to “part of the system”, and as I was never part of any system, I couldn’t do it. But then again, I came very closer to what I want to do, and how I want to do it.

Coming closer to the world of civil work here in Egypt, it was clear how we live in a very nasty world. Personal agendas, bigger agendas, previous back falls and preferences control what should be only about one thing; People!
Speaking of people, I met a lot of new people this year, all very special. All managed to have part of how special this year is.

Finally, I finished my masters first part examination only when I was certain I didn’t want to be a doctor. Ain’t she interesting? I mean life. I knew what I didn’t like about medicine in Egypt and why I would never fit in this field. Don’t get me wrong, but I hate doctors! I hate how they feel they are the masters of the universe, the smartest, the greatest, and most successful, while in Egypt we all know it is most of the time a big fat joke, and the patient is the last concern. But part of me was always asking if that was because I really thought so, or because I was exhausted from studying and that I was burnt out in the academic part and if I was just trying to find myself a less embarrassing way out. Honestly, I thought there was at least a small part of that, till I found my current job, which is medical, and which I am not going to talk about for now. I found myself hungry for information and willing to study again.

This year I allowed myself to be a rebound, and it broke my heart. I slipped into being that person that scared me. I felt everything I ever wrote about, that I didn't want to feel, and I took all the risks that I should take, and now I know I wasn’t coward and for that, I have no regrets.

I learnt new words; Intense, Orthodox, Warm, and Intimidating. For some time I used to think being intimidating is sure a flattering feeling. I learnt it is one of the worst things ever, for I feel like a monster, just because I am me! But then I became certain that the closer I will get to myself, the more of this will happen, and the more grateful I should be. It became clear to me that my honesty with myself is the mere reason why some people accuse me of lying. "We live in a fake-oriented society" One very person once told me , and he couldn't be more accurate. And after thinking a lot of why it is that hard to assume honesty, I knew that that was wasted time, and I should not care, because they need to believe no one could be that honest, or else they'll face their unreal world, and their "traces and hints" of personalities!

I knew the value of friends, and the true meaning of friendship. I knew that the people who agree with what I do, and support me for it are good friends, but s/he is the great friend whose support is not conditioned. For I don’t have to do what you agree with to get your support if you are my true friend. Because it is about me, not about you and what you believe or don’t believe in!

I got in touch with a new depth of praying, and I knew, felt, smelled, and saw, that God is there, here and everywhere. And I think this is the best thing that happened this year.

I gained weight, then lost it, then gained even more, then lost all and reached my best, then gained it all again, and now I’m struggling to lose it.

This year one of my sisters had a very big car accident and was so close to lose her life. Thank you God for saving her. After seeing her car after the accident, I looked at her standing, talking, and in one piece, and I couldn't believe it for a few seconds.

September 16th 2010. I don’t think I will forget this day. When my life as I knew it literally fell over my head. I remember crying, and I remember not being able to cry anymore. I remember lying on my back, with no single clear thought except that I couldn’t take it anymore. I went through all the long roads of despair, tried hard to reach this final destination; Letting go… I couldn’t. That wasn’t bravery, I was so scared to let go, I heard the little voice in my head saying “You don’t have it in you” and “You wouldn’t dare doing it, even if you wanted!”
Letting go was a luxury at that moment by the way, it was not an option, though it was what I back then wished I could do.
Bit by bit, starting from October, things started to get very slowly better, then much much worse, then the worst ever, then the storm – like any other storm- started to calm down.

I can’t claim I am all happy now, because there’re a lot of mixed emotions in my heart, and blurred prints on my soul. I know they exist, but can’t define them yet. But it’s OK for now. 

Now … I’m emotionally exhausted, physically burnt, mentally challenged, and so overwhelmed by the so many highs and lows. But I’m thankful it’s over, looking forward to the next, grateful for my friend (yes, only one), and content I can now say …. “Thank you God!”

Note: I hate how much I had to say the word “I” but could not help it.

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