I have always been pro-choice. I believe we always have a choice somehow. We may not like the options, but we do have the chance to pick one of these really bad options, and that by itself is choice.
So what are the options now?
That is not an option. That is not a wish, not even a thought. But I can’t deny it’s a source of some deep bitter relief. Relief, that’s a nice word!
Better than losing life is losing consciousness. This way you still have a chance of coming back. I have always envied those who faint, this amazing ability to just press on pause on your brain and soul, and then come back.
What an amazing way to live!
But then I realized that I don’t actually know what he who is in coma feels. How do I make sure that he is not aware of what is going on? That he doesn’t feel the same as he used to feel while being awake but this time he even can’t really do anything.
That’s a scary thought!
No no, not this kind of drugs. The other kind, the prescription legal kind, I heard they help. But I also heard they make you numb, feel nothing. You’re not miserable anymore, but you’re not joyful either. You’re nothing!
You just sit right there knowing there was something inside and now it’s just a void. Void, that’s a very bad word!
You know this weird senseless very annoying voice at the deep back of your head? That persistent stubborn child that hangs on to your arms and keeps on pulling you somewhere you don’t know assuring you that where he is taking you is fun? You neither know who he, what he wants, nor where he wants to take you.
Nah! That’s for fairytales, that’s not a real option!
Now that what makes hope real. Faith, no wonder my name in English is translated to that. Since right exactly now, this seems to be the only option I have that is not scary or blurry. Faith is real, and it makes every other thing as real as it is. The trick about it is that you have to hold on to it real tight for some long time before you can actually get anything.
Faith makes death an option of defeat, coma an option of despair, drugs an option of weakness and it makes this annoying voice louder and louder till you start hearing yourself repeating the words … “It’ll all be all right”
Sometimes I feel really jealous of those who lose consciousness and succeed in letting go. Sometimes I really wish from the bottom of my heart that I had it in me to just let go. But I always owe it to my faith that even though pain usually compresses my chest that I can hardly breath, even though fear has taken a comfortable sofa right in the middle of my heart, and even though I can hardly find any flavor in any beauty in the world, I know deep inside, that someday, this kid will take me somewhere fun!
وَلاَ تَيْأَسُواْ مِن رَّوْحِ اللَّهِ إِنَّهُ لاَ يَيْأَسُ مِن رَّوْحِ اللَّهِ إِلاَّ الْقَوْمُ الْكَافِرُونَ