Iron Jawed Angels... A hundred years is all what we need!

No, I’m not a movie critic or anything of this sort. I just love movie business. I am fond of this amazing magical world and I have the dreams of each and every Egyptian woman in my heart and the vision of powerful independent ladies who are fighting for their free spirits and liberated minds.

With this heart and with these eyes I watch the movie, and with this spirit I write about it!

Iron Jawed Angels... A hundred years is all what we need!

Four times, I watched that movie four times! And I know I’ll watch it again. Not because of the amazing work that was done, not for how powerful, honest, interesting and inspiring it is, but because it amazes me. 

To put you in the picture, this movie is about the fight American women had to go through for 8 whole years starting from 1912 to have the right to vote. And you can easily recognize the kind of replies those women had to deal with during their debates;

“The female mind is inferior to the male mind need not to be assumed “
“There’s something about it essentially different and that this difference is of a kind and degree that makes votes for women would constitute a political danger ought to be plain to everybody”
“I don’t wish to see the day comes when the women in my state shall trail their skirts in the muck and mire of partisan politics”

Sounds familiar? Very! I know … specially that last one, kind of reminds me of how some men consider themselves “cursed” if ruled, judged or asked by a woman!
The only thing that I can’t get over is the fact that this movie is almost hundred years ago!! They had this kind of debates hundred years ago.
Do you need more proofs?

1- Those women were called freaks, psychopaths, and rude.

2- One of the senators mentioned the fact that “ we don’t need women voting in South Carolina, we know how to take care of our women”

3- When the married woman joined, her husband closed her account, took her children and asked her how she would afford an attorney to defend her rights!

4- One single woman mentioned the fact that she is tired of being alone, all men were idiots, or terrified of her!!!

5- The worse fight than fighting men for them was fighting another women, who hated how powerful and independent they are and who felt weak and helpless in front of them.

6- Men in America also thought they would be cursed if ruled, charged or even if they shared decision making with women!!!

I know!! It sounds freakishly familiar that one might doubt they are actually expressing what we here in the Arab countries are facing.

One phrase really touches me every time I hear it was said by the lead character to the “married lady” who didn’t want to embarrass her husband – and who became a very important member afterwards – when she said;
“Women like you are worse than anti-suffragists; you perpetuate the lie everyday at breakfast”

My god! How many times have you met a woman who voluntarily declares her stupidity and ignorance just to get a man’s attention and approval?
How many women have you talked to and they just faked inferiority to nourish a no-body guy just to get a proposal?
How many places have you gone to where women refuse to get business done with other women cause “we are not as smart as men”?
I know that a lot of my fellow doctors never went to a female doctor nor they ever intend to because “male doctors are cleverer”
I know that women don’t like to go to electronic stores and deal with saleswomen cause “we just don’t understand technology!”
I know my friends who resist any piece of information related to their laptops cause “guys just get these kinds of things not us”

But what I don’t know is why! In the end, those women gathered, and with the help of strong men who don’t need to exert power over women to prove their manhood, and under a constitutional umbrella, those women were able to get their right to vote. Those women were jailed, beaten and starved till they got their right. 

Do you think we can do that one day? Don’t tell me we can vote, because we don’t.
When the girl is brought up that she has to be the good girl who follows her father, till she gets really lucky and follows her husband to get another woman to the world who leads the same life, we don’t have the right to vote.

When women still chose to stay at home earning nothing and being completely supported and fed by men, we don’t have the choice.

When women leave their universities, careers and whole futures just to be someone’s wife because this is her holy destiny, we don’t have any future!

But unlike what you may think, I am optimistic, I believe that someday we will be able to break those walls, that women will be that scared of being rejected by intimidated men, that women will not be ruled by what other want her to be, that women will not be scared to lead their lives, make their own choices, be ready for the consequences and live the beauty of a free life!

Even if they were called the “Iron Jawed Angels”

Between belonging, loyalty and being a good friend

We all have our friends who can be one way or another “different” than us. And the worst fetal disease that can infect a friendship is being trapped between being loyal to what you are and being loyal to your friends.

For some reasons, people still think having a friend with different beliefs – and I don’t necessarily mean religions- is itself betrayal to one’s own beliefs. Cause it’s puzzling to them how they get along so perfectly with people who think whatever that they don’t.

“It’s either they are right or I’m not a good believer who doesn’t stand on a solid ground”. This is how they perceive it.

First of all, you’ll never be on this “solid” ground. And you shouldn’t by the way! Yes, you shouldn’t

It’s the day by day evolving question from the people you respect and trust that is the best chance for you to interact with yourself! This is the perfect chance for ourselves to “question” our ideologies, passions and even beliefs. If time doesn’t add up to the own impression to your life, then one is not growing up! Part of maturity is the ability to grasp differences and being able to define, label and interact with them without losing you own self.

“It’s by knowing what I am not that I really know what I am”

Stating what you are for yourself is not by any means considered deceiving your “different” friend as well. Being close friends by definition means that you both are already aware of those differences.

You are not supposed to highlight them

You are not expected to disgrace them

You will may be put into a discussion every now and then, and you will naturally say what you really think without being scared of jeopardizing this friendship. This friend chooses to accept you as you are just as you are expected to do.

Now with the silly questions:

Does it make me a bad Muslim to have a gay friend? Alcoholic? Atheist?

I believe he might actually go to hell, but again who knows! Am I a bad friend?

The reason why I’m writing this is that ever since the Ghaza crisis has started and I feel a lot of friendships here on face book are in real danger. People are so provoked by what everyone say. The way I see it, each one of us has his own scenario and agenda. I can agree with one here but I may disagree there. And cause of the nature of the problem, things usually get so tense.

So please everybody. In Ghaza or another, I can see where you’re different than me and I’m OK with it, and I hope you do the same with me too. We don’t have to call each others names, we don’t have to confront each other with our judgments for ourselves, I think we all already are aware of them.

I here remember Alanis Morissette in her lovely song “I was hoping”;

And I said "do you believe we are fundamentally judgmental? Fundamentally evil?"

And you said "yes"

Yes! No matter how hard we try, we still somehow slip into that road of judgment. But as long as we drive safely and focus on enjoying our trip together, I think we all can save our friendships..And ourselves.

So long 2008

No, this is not about resolutions, wishes or anything of this sort. It’s a mere documentation devoid of any intention to calculate. And I’ll try to remember at least one significant event.
This year started very slow, with a very small celebration that I learned to be the best with my sisters who I knew they are and will always be the only constant love in this world. Yes! At the age of 27 I firstly realized that I love my sisters more than I ever imagined.


• In January, I started my new blog and it became well known fast, I went to my first TV interview and it helped me to open up more and really face the fact that I really actually like me and in peace with who I am , I started to go regularly to the gym when I realized I’m getting no younger and my body tends to tell this to everyone :D. And it was the first time for me to go to the book fair all by my self and buy non medical books with my own money and I bought Marwa Rakha’s book which I fell in love with instantly.
• Feb., I paid for being “me” when my TV interview made my blog more known and more people knew about me deeply don’t care about how they judge me, the opposite! I met Marwa Rakha face to face for the first and I spent the whole day with her and I felt I wanted to take her home with me.
• March, it was the first time for me to be harassed by a university professor and I understood a lot about being used and abused and I faced fear of being scandalized, fear of him affecting my career and I knew I had the guts to kick everything and have the power of saying no even if it will jeopardize my career.
• April, I got an awful job and I tried my best to keep it cause it was remotely related to medicine and then I took the decision to let go my career unless I get a real chance cause I refuse to be an image of a dream rather than a reality of a wise alternative and I started looking for another full time job that’s not medical. I met someone who became a close friend afterwords
• May,
• June, my best friend since I was 11 got married, after hiding being in a relation and before hiding being pregnant putting me through watching her all pregnant for four months, cause she was scared of my “evil spinster eye"! And I neither faced nor blamed her. And my sister left the country for a job, something that I hate till now!
• July, I started my new job as an English instructor for adults where I discovered I can be a good teacher and from which I had a lot of my amazing students as friends afterwords. I started a relationship trying hard to think more than to feel which always seems to be something impossible for me to do. And I realized that I can keep on living while I sleep less than two hours a day for two straight months.
• August, I knew about myself a new thing. My students made me 2 surprise birthday parties and brought me gifts, two days that I will never forget. I was told “I look up to you” from one of my students and I almost cried. I took a good strong decision for only one day and then I bailed and freaked out and let myself be affected by sweat fake talk. And I became 27 which I celebrated with my first birthday party at home for which I invited all my work mates and only 3 came!
• September, OK! This wasn’t pretty at all. I stayed home to study for my masters and had to live an awful and painful month that I wish from the bottom of my heart not to live again. I got very sick at the end, together with studying and dealing with an ugly break up. I welcomed being humiliated, underestimated and degraded . And I lost a lot of weight.
• October, I prayed to God to give me strength which I was generously given, I discovered a new reason why I love medicine and I finally found the way to study medicine for an Egyptian university. I started my exams and kept going with my break up and I got the best help from the people I have in my life. Not related ones before my friends. And I got even faster than I already was in writing English, heheheeeee 
• November, I finished my exams and I got the last sms and I made friends with a someone somehow older than me for the first time. And I regained the weight I lost. And I decided to look for ways to stay away from stress since it turned out to be eating my body alive!
• December, I let go a well paying job for a medical opportunity cause I’m so much weaker than letting go medicine though this choice will bring inevitable pain and insecurity. I decided to look for some help concerning my fear of cats. And I am actually planning for moving while I'm writing this.



This year I became more sure unconditioned love is a big fat lie and those who you are only those who show it. There’s no such a thing called “people who will love you no matter what”. And that you work on a relationship, any relationship, and you work really hard. Otherwise you're just a small empty boat in the sea with no sailor and no wind to even push!

This year I disappointed a friend by taking the wrong choice. And I felt really bad.

This year I knew that living with much less money than you're used to when it's a price you pay for what you choose is the most fun of all!!

This year I was told a lot of personal secrets by a lot of people, close people and far ones. And it never made me feel special, I felt so responsible that I was scared for some time.

This year I allowed myself to do what’s against my own principles. And as fool, cheap and foolish this was,it brought me nothing but more pain.

This year I made the mistake of believing I should bribe someone to love me by being not totally me, and that didn't even work!

This year, I found myself so emotionless and harsh with an old friend who hurt me before and I found myself not as forgiving as people prefer to describe themselves .

This year I became more aggressive when I just smell any suspicion that someone I know accuses me of being with an "Evil eye" and I had really long discussion about what is "Hassad" that was mentioned in Quraan and what those mindless superstitious people believe in.

This year I knew that no matter how often they say not to do it, I’ll always show my feelings, I’ll always speak up and I’ll do my best to stay that way.

This year I was really slapped with the actual truth that I may never really get married, before, it wasn't that clear to me. And I had a long honest conversation with myself about that.

This year I found out that my own dictionary defines "Feminism" and " Liberal" a totally different definition than what most of the people do.

This year I realized that me being a feminist is not about ideologies or directions, or beliefs, it’s my nature. It’s who I really am. And it’s what I got sick trying not to be.

This year I saw my mom standing for me and for what I believe in and who I am. Even though she deeply refuses it!

This year I lost all hopes of making things better with my father and I lost the will to do that as well.

This year I became more open and out front with the people I know about the fact that I have space issues and that I panic when I feel someone is invading my space. And that it’s not offending not to answer the phone when I just “don’t feel like it!”

This year I dealt with disagreement, miss understanding and on and on discussions in my blog which was en lighting.

This year, I seriously started to think of publishing a book!

hmmm, well, may be it's not as fancy and affecting as one may wish . But for what it worths, 2008 was a very good year.
Thanks 2008...and goodbye!

Couple of Questions

Question:
"When you teach a student and then examine then mark his examination papers and fill his evaluation sheets and keep it home and then this same student gets a certificate that he passed the exams with s certain score WHILE YOU STILL ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS BOTH THE EXAMINATION PAPERS, MARKED WITH YOUR OWN HANDWRITING AND THE EVALUATION SHEETS, what do you say, How can this happen?"
End of question.


Story:

Back in July 2008, I was assigned by Berlitz Egypt to teach in a project called "Edu Egypt" which stands for educating Egypt. A project held by the ministry of communication aiming to serve graduates of both faculty of commerce and computer science in both Ain Shams and Cairo Universities. Giving them soft skills and English Courses. Berlitz was responsible for the English courses and I was there to teach three English levels for three classes with 12-15 students for each class, in faculty of commerce, Ain Shams University.

I will not talk about the kind of "working environment" we as Berlitz employees faced through this project - this is a totally different, yet not by far less amusing story- Now the course is over.
Couple of weeks ago, my 40 something students received their certificates from Berlitz that they attended three levels at Berlitz Egypt and passed the three level with score ...

How?
I have the examination papers for all my students for level 2 and 3
I have the evaluation sheets for the same students for level 2 and 3
I have their answer sheets with their handwriting, also level 2 and 3

One of my students called me cause he was puzzled by the score and I told him this was wrong and they lied. And then I told him we had to fight this cause it was wrong.
"So what" He said " Nothing will happen ya Dr., you think anyone can get his rights in this country? why should I get mine"

Is this what I should teach my students? Is this what "EDUCATING EGYPT" is all about? What should I tell this student? and How can I face my students afterwords when I go and teach them about "Identity", "Human Rights" and the rest all these fine words?
I was once told by one of my students that these were cliches of no real values and I told him it all depended on him and what he believes in!

Today I don't know .. What should I have told this student? And what should I tell the other one now?
I know it's a matter of time before the people at Berlitz get an idea about this "first but not last" article and I have no idea how they will react - but it's not that hard to imagine- but frankly, I don't care

Update Sunday 28/12/2008:
I got in touch with the Berlitz Egypt administration from which I was told that what I think to be violation is nothing but me not understanding some technical details.
For example, the results the students got are not based on the exams but on the students performance and this - according to them - is proved by documents, and that the examination sheets I have, actually have nothing to do with the results.
On the other hand, the fact that I have the exams is against all rules and it can be considered against the law!!!

What the taxi driver didn't know!

Getting out of our building, waving to a taxi and I got in.
Car horns were in my ears, Smoke was invading my air, and heat was squeezing my body. Then this voice from the taxi radio of a shaikh saying all people are going to hell came from the background.
People were crossing the street horizontally, cars were moving in all directions, and the feeling of the taxi stopping and going ten times a minute was getting to my nerves.
Then the sound of footsteps started ..The sound of keys .. then the door closed! Amazingly music started to be louder till the guitar started, "best guitar solo that I have ever heard in my life!!" till I wasn't able to perceive anything but these words:

I was spending my time in the doldrums
I was caught in a cauldron of hate
I felt persecuted and paralyzed
I thought that everything else would just wait

While you are wasting your time on your enemies
Engulfed in a fever of spite
Beyond your tunnel vision reality fades
Like shadows into the night

To martyr yourself to caution
Is not going to help at all
because there'll be no safety in numbers
When the right one walks out of the door

** Then the live music from the street .. TV presenter from the news..

Can you see your days blighted by darkness?
Is it true you beat your fists on the floor?
Stuck in a world of isolation
While the ivy grows over the door

So I open my door to my enemies
And I ask could we wipe the slate clean
But they tell me to please go fuck myself
You know you just can't win

Then the best guitar in the world .. at this moment I flew! I flew over place, time and temperature. With the song ending, I found the taxi driver looking at me and he doesn't like it.
He doesn't know where I was that day. He doesn't know I was thinking of her. About what she did to me three years ago. He doesn't know she was the one who taught me not to rely on someone existence in my life.
My god! She was the first friend to be added to my "D & B" *.
And not any friend, she was my best friend!
How bad she hurt me
How deep she affected me
I didn't loose only a friend back then, I lost trust!
He doesn't know she's been trying to talk to me for a year now. She even made some common friends to talk to me about it and not once did I allow anyone to open the subject with me.
Every time I remember her, I remember with bitterness inside. Every time she mails, I look at her name and I feel bad.
"Why can't just let it go?" I asked myself over and over. "Don't I have any good memories for her?" In fact I do.
Till she mailed the last mail (I never expected you to be that harsh!) ... I never expected that either!
(You have to learn to forgive so that you find people to forgive your follies too.) .. I know that!
I don't know why I can't pass what happened between us. I know I have no bad feelings for her now. Have I gone bad? Have I become this black- heart ed and unforgiving loner?
Am I now the "too much" of who I once wanted to be?
I know there was a day that I hoped to be stronger and tougher. I know it took me a lot of self training to be me!
If I feel this bad every time I see her name, why do I feel not OK with not talking to her anymore? I mean this alone is a good reason to be sure we can't be friends anymore.
I realize that. But I wonder why! Why can't I forgive her for what she did ? I look around and I see people forgiving each other. Where have all my forgiveness gone?
All my life, when I flip a page, I never look it up again. Not even a glimpse! This helped me through a lot, it goes even as far as blocking it out, like it never happened from the start!
But now I wonder am I martyring myself to caution? Or is it just human nature?




* (D & B ) is short for delete and block. It's my lovely list of people that I knew and I removed them from my life.

Age … and how it really affects our “Persona”!

My last birthday was just couple of months ago. I usually don’t think of age as a scary issue or an alarm of loosing time like most people do, but this year I don’t know what is going on with me. I’m beginning to think a lot about age.

The fact that someone is still single and he’s growing older is an all-time bugger! For most people think getting older makes it harder to find a partner not to mention a soul mate – supposing they actually exit – especially for women since a big part of the feminine glamour depends on looks and since age affects it big time. So the older the woman gets, the harder it is going to be for her to find a partner.

You know what? Now I’ll surprise you and say I agree! Yes! Every single day a woman passes by makes one step further from where her partner is!

Why? Not cause she gets wrinkles nor cause her body starts to get more fatty, these for some people are even sexier. I know some of men who actually finds the middle aged women hotter than an early twenties one!

It’s cause she becomes more “her” self. One looses this flexibility to accept different characters with age. You can accept having them as friends, close friends; you can even spend weekends or vacations with. But you find it hard to “adapt” to the existence of someone consistently in your life! The “molding” abilities of the person decreases with time.

After a certain age, and after spending sometime wondering between thoughts, one reaches a point where he starts to have definitions and recognitions for things. He starts to have his own comprehension for every aspect. He starts to be “his own”!

Certainly this is fastened and sharpened if the woman lives alone at her place. She is the only owner of the remote control and when she gets back she finds everything right where she left it.

This level of having your life under your control makes it even harder when you’re actually expected to “let go” part of this “control” for someone else and to start “sharing” it with someone.

Why do I say women then? Isn’t this happening to men too? Well yeah, but this profound cause a man is supposed to be “him” all the time, and a woman is expected to do the actually character changes for him, at least most of the time. That’s even why a lot of men prefer marrying a younger wife cause she’ll have all her molding abilities and it’s a higher possibility that she’ll have no personality to be adapted!

I have to say also that the acceptance for the idea of “letting go” and “sharing” is not by far accepted nor allowed by most of men. To some, he won’t be a “man”. To others, this jeopardizes his own self. But to most of them it’s intimidating to be next to a well established, sharply defined, and –mostly- successful woman. I find it dreamy to know a man who doesn’t scared of being involved with such a woman.

So I know now that the older I get, the more I’ll be “me” and the harder it’ll be to find someone. But am I sad about that? Scared? Not at all, cause it’s amazing how you feel you finally reach to your own and be able to define what you really are and where you actually want to go!

The power to let go!

It’s been quite some time now that I recently had the latest break up and I find it hard to get over the whole issue and move on.

Digging deeper into the matter, I found out that I myself don’t actually want to let go, simply cause somehow my twisted mind reached a conclusion that if I really move on this means I wasn’t true about this relationship!!

And so thinking about it, I realized that we resist moving on because we think there’s a proportional relationship between the time we take after the break up to actually regain our lives and how deep our emotions were. And another relationship that measures how profound and true the relation was and relate it to how ruined one’s life is. We intentionally look for the ways that will keep us miserable because we subconsciously need to stay this way to keep on victimizing ourselves and providing our own personality with a romantic=sad flavor!

Who said romance means bitter tears, sad songs and negativity everywhere? Who said that when someone finally finds peace after a break up, he has to look sad, sound miserable and even skip work or act like a complete mess?

If this means anything, it means that we still don’t have faith in ourselves and in our emotions. If I do believe in my love and I am sure I gave that relation the most that I possibly can, then the least I owe myself is peace!

Don’t resist your own power and feed the week demons inside of you to nourish the victim inside you!

Don’t allow anyone – not even yourself – to “test” or “evaluate” your feelings and your giving when you know they are true!

Don’t drag bitterness by listening to sad emotional songs and staying with depressed friends just to keep yourself in the “image”

Don’t mix between loyalty and self destruction and between being loyal to a relationship and being loyal to yourself

And if you’re not a parent, don’t fool yourself that you can love someone more than yourself. Cause simply you shouldn’t and cause simpler, this doesn’t necessarily mean you really love him/her.

Now I’ll go on trying keeping myself positive and won’t blame myself for being OK. I’ll loosen my grip and let go … I’ll just flip the page and be happy as much as I can!

I miss being single, and that's why!

It's 11 pm on one Monday night. I'm studying physiology cause I have my oral exam Tomorrow and listening to "After Dark with Erin Fleming and Marwa Rakha". They are talking about first dates.

This is supposed to be sad. When I knew this is tonight's topic, I thought memories will chase me and I will have to fight depression. This is not happening.... actually, it's the opposite.

I feel lucky I'm single..In fact I missed being single and this is why...

* I miss enjoying music and going far far away not worrying you'll pull back
* I miss having my friends with no sense of guilt
*I miss being able to focus at my work
*I miss waking up whenever I want cause I slept when I wanted
*I miss having my mobile without caring ..ringing mobile is no longer a "fight alarm"
*I miss laughing at silly sms-s, jokes and even commercials
*I miss sleeping without praying that we don't fight next day
*I miss having my organized life
*I miss feeling good about myself .. my thoughts and my life
*I miss looking at the mirror and feeling ok

- I don't miss the abdominal cramps, the occasional headaches and the continuous nausea.
-I don't miss being emotional blackmailed.
-I don't miss the long, painful, and sad phone calls.
-I don't miss the all-through-the-day fights.
-I don't miss the arrogant sms-s.
-I don't miss being pushed away anytime just cause you "felt like it".
-I don't miss you entering the cave whenever and expecting me to be OK with that.
-I don't miss being scared and sad most of the time.
-I don't miss how lonely i felt when i went for you the times you were "not in the mode"!
-I don't miss being interrogated.
-I don't miss the fact that you never trusted me.
-I don't miss the nightmares..the scary ones..sleeping and awake.
-I don't miss using my believes as a "Joke".


I sure don't miss knowing that after all this, no matter what I did, I was never appreciated!

I'm over you .. and for that I feel giulty!

Do I miss you? Do I miss your love? Was I in real love? or have I lost the ability to love inside me?

All these are questions eating my brain alive. Every time I laugh, I see your face and I wonder.. am I betraying what we once had?
I talk about you and I get angry, puzzled and disappointed. Though I failed to understand why you did what you did, I still feel ...... for you.

Anyone can -correctly- fill in the blank;
sorrow..anger..jealousy..frustration...etc.
Can we say pain? May be ..but I can't claim I do all the time.

I know my friends are helping.
I know I owe my masters a lot.

Why don't I miss you ?
How?
Wasn't this love?
Was I lying to you? To myself?

I don't miss you ... I don't resent you
I don't want to see you.. I don't want not to see you

I NOTHING YOU! and for that I feel guilty !!

Do you want to know why? It's cause of how bad you hurt me. Yes!
Typical? I know... true though.

I can never forget how unhappy I was trying to please you when all what you did was asking for more and blaming me for not responding -gladly-!!

I will never forget how many times I couldn't find any loving piece inside you!

How can I forget the moments of despair..pain..tears..oh! a lot of tears!

How could you be this demanding.. How were you able to cut it that short this fast?

I felt something was sucking life out of me.

One day I got sick........what did you do? More demanding..more pain..more guilt!

Oh yea! It wasn't me who didn't love you..it was you
It wasn't me who fooled us..it was you!
It shouldn't be me who feels guilty ..you! ..... No! I do feel guilty!

I am sorry I put my heart through your pain!

I am sorry I made my body suffer sickness and you at the same time!

I am sorry I allowed my pride being this hurt and I watched..silently!

I am sorry I took all this dissatisfaction and I took blame for them too!

I am sorry I hurt me .. I humiliated me..I degraded me .. .. when I loved you!

and for that I feel guilty!

What is it that I feel towards you? I would love to know. I feel something but I can't call it. I have no name for it.
I miss you and I resent you!!
I want to see and I don't want to see you!!

Yesterday I was somewhere we met before..... sad memory? No and Yes.
I told my friends .. we were here doing that. I even saw us and I couldn't say what I felt.
Simply cause I don't know what was that that we had.
I can't describe not having you cause I lost the definition of what was it when I had you.

I am confused, blurred and puzzled

and for that I feel guilty!

I guess I'm just over you...and for that I should not feel guilty

"Les Fleus du mal" The poem and the Sarah Brightman Song

First of all, I'd like you to be in the same position as I am now. Early in today's morning, I was dedicated a song from a friend by Sarah Brightman, one of really favorite singers. I was so much touched by her voice and I wanted more. I downloaded her latest albums, SYMPHONY, and as I started listening to the songs one after the other, I listened to this one called " Fleur du Mal" and I told myself "Oh my god!" I felt somehow connected, but this can happen a lot, specially to someone who thinks highly of music as something that touches the soul deeper than most values in the world. But it kept hitting me that I know these words from somewhere else. And so I googled it and I remembered. "LES FLEURS DU MAL" which means "The flowers of evil" is a collection of French poems by Charles Baudelaire. A piece that related a lot to themes like eroticism, lust, human power, and above all..how we as human souls tend to somehow choose between evil and good and nourish it to grow into our souls. One very good and sincere part is this :

Si le viol, le poison, le poignard, l'incendie,
N'ont pas encore brodé de leurs plaisants dessins
Le canevas banal de nos piteux destins,
C'est que notre âme, hélas! n'est pas assez hardie.

If rape and poison, dagger and burning,
Have still not embroidered their pleasant designs
On the banal canvas of our pitiable destinies,
It's because our souls, alas, are not bold enough!

I couldn't get the whole poem - if anyone can, I'll be more than happy- but I put the poem with the lyrics with Marwa Rakha's book "THE POISON TREE" which is also a poem for Jim Blake, I put them all together and I flew into a world of mine where everything is pure and clear. Even evil, for it's the blackness of life that makes you appreciate the beauty of the white. Here's the lyrics of the song:


Is it you I keep thinking of?
Should I feel like I do?
I've come to know that I miss your love
While I'm not missing you
We run
Til it's gone
Et les fleurs du mal
Won't let you be
You hold the key to an open door
Will I ever be free?


Les fleurs du mal unfold
Comme les fleurs du mal
Dark demons of my soul
Un amour fatal
Been tryin' hard to fight
Comme les fleurs du mal
Les fleurs du mal inside
Un amour fatal

All my life I've been waiting for
In this perfume of pain
To forget when I needed more
Of love's endless refrain
We live
And we pray
Pour les fleurs du mal
I've lost my way
What is done will return again
Will I ever be free?



Les fleurs du mal
Comme les fleurs du mal
Un amour fatal
Comme les fleurs du mal

the song is here