Strength ..... A whole different perspective

Strength is a miraculous power by which some people are blessed. It's by their internal strength that they pass through pain.
Lately I started to feel my strength is a my misery. For some people think as long as I can survive so the pain is Ok!!


In Neurology, there's a concept called " The threshold of pain " It's about the fact that each nerve is built up with the maximum excitation that the nerve can take above which the nerve will send some signals for the person to recognize that his body is under attack to take an action away from the pain.



Couple of years ago, I had this slight pain in my teeth which I was puzzled by. As my sister is a dentist, I showed her and she told why don't you come at my work to check it and I did. She and her supervisor doctor were shocked, I saw it in their faces that I was worried for a while. "What's the matter?" I anxiously asked... " You have a very deep caries in one of your molars" She said .." and you're lucky it didn't reach the nerve bulb, I wonder how it took this long to feel the pain. You really have a very high pain threshold"
She was complementing me but here it shows how my "High pain threshold" isn't much of a bless for it masks the fact that I'm being hurt and it fools everyone, me included, that I can take it while the fact is my body can't.



Yes, there were time in my life when I hated my strength! There were times that envied people who loose consciousness when they are put under stress for other do their best not to stress on them.
I wished I broke down into pieces may be he'd leave me alone.
I wished my heart would stop beaten for you to stop grasping it with your grip.
I wished for even to die for the pain to go away!

May be my death will take you out of my waisted life. May be earth and dust will be more merciful on my stabbed heart. May be this will make all the pain, aches and bitterness go far far from my gone soul.
It's my strength that helps me surviving you each time.
And it's my survival that challenges you to hit harder every time.

OK! Fine!! I'll say it! Just leave me alone!!I swear to god I can't take it anymore..

Do you need to see me broken into pieces for you to leave in peace?
What if my body is so stronger than to be crushed?
What if my heart is sighing "Enough"!!
But no! You'll keep hitting every piece
You'll keep killing every beat
You'll keep fighting every bit of hope..every trace of pride and sign of independence



I know no way to tell you this...But really truly I honestly can't take it anymore!!

American History X

Few hours ago, I just finished watching the movie " American History X" . And Couldn't stop thinking.

What an amazing movie that touches a deep part of human nature, a part that actually shapes the rest of the pieces needed for a person to be be "human". This part is called " Faith"!

Forget about Blacks, Whites, Nazis. Ans mind the whole American history. This movie takes us to a very insightful journey inside the human brain. How it is so easy sometimes to fill it with all the crap of judgmental hatred and chaos, as long as you're giving this particular brain the privilege of being the smarter and so long you're reciting to him over and over that he's a hero and that he's defending a bigger cause.

How many people , young people, have you seen who are bold, naked, accessorrized and they have this look in their eyes. The look that says " I know I'm great! I know I represent what's right and what life is really all about. I'm sure I'm better, but I'm so empty headed and my soul is being fed by nothing but bitterness and grudge against each and everyone who is not me and I even have no reason for all this!"

I know I have seen some of them. Actually I was lucky to see a variety of them; Islamics, Seculars, Communists, anti feminists..etc

They are all the same. Same look, same attitude, same arrogance, same shallowness, and even same boldness sometimes!
They all have the same book containing the same vocabulary but may be in different order.

But what really touched me in the movie was not all this. It's the journey itself! Starting from the mere belief without any traces of comprehension, passing through the massive painful failure when life tests those statues and it becomes stabbing obvious how fragile all this system really is, ending by self destruction and agony.

It's the very well known story of how terrorism came to our lives taking all the air and giving us anger and stubbornness instead to breath.

Smart people question what they grow up into. Pure people ask their hearts, for hearts never lie.
Brave people don't fake. If they don't buy it they say it and they say it out loud!
They are the ones change the world, they are those who make history and they are always the ones who pay everything- even their lives sometimes- for defending the truth and for declaring it!

I'll end this quoting from the movie .. This is the last lines said:

So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it. Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like. 'We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.'

Note: The final quote was for Abraham Lincoln

Why ... If only ... Right now ... One day ... and I'll remember!

Why do you get your strength when you're only sure of my weakness? Aren't you supposed to be a source of mine?

Why is your power always conditioned by my helplessness? Am I not allowed to gain power from you?

Why is it always you who really matters? Am I not naturally your life time priority?

Why do you enjoy reminding me of how lonely I am when your hug is supposed to be more than enough?

Why is making you vanish my need, my goal and my salvation while your absence for others is a catastrophe?

Why do I only feel small, defensive, lonely, helpless, useless, harmless, tasteless, and even colorless at your presence and so why is your presence accompanied by me not liking me?

Is that what you want? Is that all what it is about? Cause you don't like me? Cause you refuse me?


If only you knew..
If only you knew....

If only you knew I fight the world picturing you.
If only you knew I fear any one who looks, eats,talks,walks,breaths or even just a man like you.
If only you knew I wish for a place where I know you can't reach.
If only you knew I pray for a wall that you can't break.

Right Now,

Right now I challenge you when I know I can't!
Right now I am gathering every piece of my power while I know I don't have!
Right now I want to sigh and I can feel your grip round my throat!
Right now I want to hit you hard to make you any close of how unbearably painful it is for me!
Right now I even silently cry but...

but One day

One day I will let you know how strong I can be
One day I will make you feel the burns that ate inside of me
One day I will laugh not scared of you
One day you will hear my giggle & you won't be able to say a word. It was never a crime
One day I will also cry and won't consider your false sense of victory, for tears were never a shame nor will be a sign of defeat
One day I will open my eyes, raise my head, spread my arms , stretch my lungs and I will not be hunted by the memories of you!

Yet, I'll remember

I'll remember that you left no chance for breaking me
I'll remember that you took every opportunity to stab my soul
I'll remember that it was you who said it in every possible way " I don't want you" " I don't like you"
I'll remember that you were the cause for the tear marks on her cheeks, for the deep sadness appealing from her eyes, for the deprivation she suffered till she no longer can perceive
I'll remember that it was you who absorbed all the air for no one to breath but you.. fresh air was yours and only yours to distribute
I'll remember that it was you who sucked any life in front of you for no life deserve to grow except this grown by you



Why ... If only ... Right now ... One day ... and I'll remember

The American Idol experience

For those who have no idea, "American Idol "like "So you think you can dance " is a TV show that's concerned with exploring talents in singing and dancing respectively from all over the globe and of course mainly the US, helping them to grow their abilities and making sure they take the first steps that can guarantee them a steady career.
The show starts as auditions session in almost every state choosing all the potential talents that indicate a possible star. Then they gather them in the camp-like studio where they are subjected to several kinds of tests concerning what could be required from them as singers or dancers till the judges choose their top 20 for the season.
After which, each week, the candidates have their own show then after the end of the episode the phone lines are kept open for 2 hours for ppl to vote which was their favourite. Of which the bottom three with the lowest percentage of votes are in the danger zone where the judges choose one of the three to go and leave the competition till they are top 10 where judges have no say in this and only the one with lowest votes will go and then the winner is declared.
i won't go into the details of the credibility of the show and the real amazing talents that these 2 shows present to us as you can easily know that by just trying to know who the winners are. You will be amazed by how successful they are now.

What I really wanna talk about, is the first steps, THE AUDISIONS, My god!! you can't imagine who lame they can be sometimes. As for the first show .. you can actually hear tone-deaf ppl, nasally deformed persons, and even ppl with shyness and attitude problems. Psychos..nuts..and even those who have no categorization!!
I'm not mocking people here, I'm just amazed by this human ability to "fool" thyself that someone can actually allow himself to enter a talent serious contest in something that any 3 years old can literally cry his tears from how bad his performance can reach!

Haven't you ever asked yourself if you do the same? Not necessarily in singing or dancing.. It can be anything you're involved in.


Then there's the second type of contestants, Those who are good but not good enough. They are "OK" but not a star material. I actually remember Simone Fuller - the very harsh and sometimes rude executive and judge- when he says this over and over; "You are as good as performing in front of your family, but people won't grab their phones to vote for you nor pay money to actually listen to you" or " You are no news" or " you are from the book".

Now ... here's the question; Have you ever asked yourself if you're actually as specially good as you think you are?

So we all can write, but how many of us whose words will really be read 20 ..50 ..100 years from now?
Many of us are thinkers .. rebellions .. and revolutionaries, but which one of us will change his own history with a step that can touch someones life and affect it?

I know glory as itself cannot be a goal for life. It's by how amazingly you alter in your life structure that history will mention your name - probably even years after your death- with great deal of appreciation.

But the idea that freaks me out and kept me from sleeping for 3 days now - as the last episode I watched was last Friday- is how can I know that I'm not fooling myself?
Is passion enough? or passion with hard work? or is it the real unconditoned beyond doubt faith that will motivate me every time I feel I need a push??
As much as I hate lying..I get disgusted by humans who lie to themselves. As much as I refuse fakeness, a fake soul makes my stomach butterflies urge to kick. As much as I believe in myself, I would love it if I made sure that I'm not fooling her nor feeding her false hopes or "just OK" talents. I believe each one of us has his "Star Material" potential. This area where his footsteps will be marked no matter how long time passes after.
It's ones own responsibility and ultimate search to find this sand on which his feet will mark and to choose the "how,when,why & where" he will take these steps.

So do you have any clues? Are you sure of them? How often do you allow your questions to pump? Do you answer them? Are you " Lame..just OK ..not star material..special"? Where are you in every little path that you took someday, wish to take, planning to, or even taking just right now?

Have you ever heard the sound of silence? It has a very scary sound that is not percieved by our ears but felt by our hearts.

She woke up after one of her sleepless almost fainting naps hearing nothing but the sound of silence.
Everyone told her it'll pass..this will get better by time and the pain will eventually fade away. She kept looking inside her soul for that road with no pain at its end. They told her we'r being given the pain we can take even when we don't believe so, so she searched her heart for that point that ached least till it hurted more. With her turning around, her eyes were trying to spot a place where light isn't stabbingly painfull..even oxygen irritated her lungs.

Suddenly she was no where, like a scene from a Sci-Fic movie, a circular creature with her at the centre taking everything around. She wasn't at the center of that circle, she was the circle itself...The void was growing eating the space. She was no where..she felt she's no one.

Her six senses were functioning normally conducting emptiness into her soul. Even tears at some point were useless as they are only helpful when there's a pain to express..her pain was above this threshold of expression. May be it was so painfull that all her sensations were eaten alive.

She sat..stood..drove or lied down trying hard to thinnk os something good in her life.. to remind of her eyes of a lovely scene ..her ears with a touching piece of music , and her soul of any left traces of a life was once in her body.

People kept telling her it'll go away.." You'll get stronger" they repeatedly said..."your eyes will pick only better colours, your ears will now taste more of what's expressive not describtive, and your heart will......."
"Will what???" She interrupted.. "will love again? laugh again? need again? wait again..bleed again..and ache again??"
Feeling her hearts deepest fear,she ran into it, hugged it and promised protection. At that point her eyes were washed..tears cleared the image, she now sees things more clearly and music even has a better impact..now she likes listening to what's only pure..the sound of the see, the giggle of a child.. Is her soul happier? She won't lie, she can't tell, but at least she knows now she can rest on her peaceful fluffy pad of "Equilibruim" and her heart smiled at the new hope of the pain going away. Now she can feel the pain, and now she can take it!

The ability to love

Human nature will always be as simple and as puzzling as we get older and older. The older we get, the simple life seems to us but the harder it gets for us to survive it.

Human interaction is a need and a necessity. One no matter how hard he recites to himself can't live alone. It's through this interactions that we get the right to claim ourselves as humans.

One of the hardest and sweetest forms and the most discussed by man is "Love" and how man can fall in love, It's really amazing how we choose the words to express our thoughts and emotions unintentionally .. "Fall in love" .. Fall .. we tend to tell ourselves that we have no control on such an emotion, and - to keep on puzzling me- most people like it!!

The closer you get to a person, the more you surrender a part of your soul to. The extreme image of this of course is motherhood. This level of emotional dependance that's mandatory to categorize yourself as a person "in love" is what really amazes me.

Why is it so easy to some people?
Why is it so hard to me?
Is there another shapes of human intemacy that doesn't require this?

Mind all these questions, the real question is ... Am I able to do this?
Will I be ever able to let myself this helpless that an another person can actually play a very big role in defining my modes .. actions .. decisions?

The way I see it is that what I call it the " Emotional Dependance " mandatory for love is the hardest, toughest and the sweetest thing about love but yet.. it's an ability that requires open honest discussion between a person and himself, a lot of self-supervizes self training, and above all, the will to risk and take the chances!!

So from ehere I see it, Love is an ability and till now I can't claim I have it. What about you??

Habanera

The "Habanera" is an aria from the opera Carmen by Georges Bizet, adapted from the habanera "El Arreglito" originally composed by Sebastián Yradier. The song is also sometimes known by its first two lines, "L'amour est un oiseau rebelle que nul ne peut apprivoiser". Its melody, among the most famous in the Western musical tradition, is based on a descending chromatic scale followed by variants of the same phrase in first the minor and then the major key, corresponding with the vicissitudes of love expressed in the lyrics. In live performances, after singing the concluding words of the song (prends garde à toi!), Carmen tosses a flower to Don José. Later on, in the celebrated Flower Song, Don José tells how he treasured the flower while in prison.

French

Translation in English

L'amour est un oiseau rebelle que nul ne peut apprivoiser, et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle, s'il lui convient de refuser. Rien n'y fait, menace ou prière, l'un parle bien, l'autre se tait: Et c'est l'autre que je préfère, Il n'a rien dit mais il me plaît. L'amour! L'amour! L'amour! L'amour! L'amour est enfant de Bohème, il n'a jamais, jamais connu de loi; si tu ne m'aimes pas, je t'aime: si je t'aime, prends garde à toi! (x2) L'oiseau que tu croyais surprendre battit de l'aile et s'envola ... l'amour est loin, tu peux l'attendre; tu ne l'attends plus, il est là! Tout autour de toi, vite, vite, il vient, s'en va, puis il revient ... tu crois le tenir, il t'évite, tu crois l'éviter, il te tient. L'amour! L'amour! L'amour! L'amour! L'amour est enfant de Bohème, il n'a jamais, jamais connu de loi; si tu ne m'aimes pas, je t'aime: si je t'aime, prends garde à toi! (x2)

Love is a rebellious bird that nobody can tame, and you call him quite in vain if it suits him not to come. Nothing helps, neither threat nor prayer. One man talks well, the other's mum; it's the other one that I prefer. He's silent but I like his looks. Love! Love! Love! Love! Love is a gypsy's child, it has never, ever, known a law; love me not, then I love you; if I love you, you'd best beware! etc. The bird you thought you had caught beat its wings and flew away ... love stays away, you wait and wait; when least expected, there it is! All around you, swift, so swift, it comes, it goes, and then returns ... you think you hold it fast, it flees you think you're free, it holds you fast. Love! Love! Love! Love! Love is a gypsy's child, it has never, ever, known a law; love me not, then I love you; if I love you, you'd best beware!

http://rapidshare.com/files/54528323/11_-_Quand_je_vous_aimerai-__L_amour_est_un_oiseau_rebelle__Carmen_.mp3.html

و أخذت رشفة قهوة .. و وضعت موسيقى دايعون بصوت فيروز الملائكى . فهى تحتاج لمثل هذا الهدوء الداخلى حتى يتسنى لها الكتابة فى مثل هذا الموضوع الشائك.

لم تحاول ان ترتب افكارها و لا ان تفكر فيما ستقول فهى تعلم ان ما بداخلها كثير. فى مخيلتها صورة فتاة , نصب عينيها رقصتها , و فى اذينيها ضكتها ... دمعتها .. فى قلبها و}دة فرحتها .. خيبة املها

حاولت كثيرا ان تقاوم المشاعر السلبية بداخلها .. لم تستطع
حاولت ان تلقى على نفسها .. لم تستطع
كانت صغيرة فلم تستسيغ الظلم .. لم تكن اعلم ان هذى هى الحياة .. قبيحة فى ظلمها على كثرته.

مشحونة بكل حبة غضب .. مملوءة بالدموع عيونها , هكذا كانت تنظر للحياة.

ضحكتها لجمالها خطيئة , جمالها لطبيعته عار. واجب عليها ان تخفيه. انوثتها محبوسة فى قفص العار .. العيب .. الحرام
لا تضحكى
لا تخرجى
لا تبكى
لا تحلمى
فأنت هنا كى يخدمى الرجال .. أنت فلى الحياة صانعة للرجال و هذا شرف لكى , هايهات ان ترفضيه.
الرجال اقوى .. الرجال احكم .. الرجال ادرى .. مع الرجال اسلم
لم تفهم لغة الصفعات .. ارهبتها ؟ نعم! و لكن لبعض الوقت
فهاهى الان .. اكبر من ان تهدد
و لكنها معتصرة بالالم .. لم تكن تدرى ان من حبسوها و ضربوها و ظلموها هم اقل بكثير من العدد الحقيقى.
فالكل كان ينظر لأنوثتها التى حاولت و لم تستطع ان تكرهها
لست اضعف من الرجال .. و لن اكون
لكنها فى عالم الرجال انثى .. من سيرى الانسان

ثم سألت نفسها : الا تشتاقين للحب؟ الا تفتقديه؟ الصحبة ؟ الرفقة؟
الاتريدي 06; ان يكون لكى اطفال؟
نظرت حولها كثيرا زو كثيرا و كثيرا
لم تنسى ما حدث .. و لم تكن تقدر ان تكرره .. فهى لذاتها تكن كل التقدير.
كل ما تريده من الرجل هو الاحترام .. و كل ما تريده منه هو ان ينظر للانسان.
ولكنها حالمة. فهى تعيش فى عالم الرجال
منهم المباشر , "اريدها خادمة لى .. فخدمتى شرف , "
و منهم الغير مباشر .. لكنها ليست بالغبية .. فمثل هذه الافكار لا تتوارى
و منهم المدعى و منهم و منهم و منهم و كلهم واحد
كلهم واحد .. كلهم رجال

حتى جاء اليوم .. دخلت فيه حجرتها .. بكت انسانيته 75; .. ثم مسحت دموعها .. صاحبت وحدتها و الفت يفردها ..باتت الان تتقبل غربتها .. اعتادت نظرات التعجب الترقب الرفض و التخوف

فهى انثى رافضة ان تكون فى عالم الرجال!!
تمت

لا .. لست من الشاعرات

لا .. لست من الشاعرات


قرأت العديد من الصحف و المجلات
دواوين ,روايات و منها المقالات
ابحث عنى فى كل سطر
لعللنى اجدنى فى الابيات
يرقص قلبى مع الضحكات
و يعتصر من الآهات
و لم اجدنى ابدا فى الحكايات


حتى جاء يوم قلت لنفسى
مابك و القراءات
لم لا تعبرى انت
عما بك من انفعالات
لا .. لست بكاتبة
والشعر له كاتبات
فقط اريدك ان تخرجى
من قفص الاتهامات
انا لست بسازجة
قد اكون من الهاويات


فانفتح لى باب من الصفحات
الاقلام فيه فسيحة
و المشاعر حوريات
و مع الموسيقى طار جسدى العارى
فوق كل الاحتمالات
لن ابالى بالكلمات
و لن انتبه للتعليقات
سأكتب لكى انت
سأفرج عن الامنيات
عن الالم و الدمعات
فهيا معى
اغمض عينيك و استمع
سأقص عليك عنى حكايات

Contradictions


Human nature will always keeps on puzzling us day after day. And the more we know about it, the more we ask and the more we get confused. Believes .. ideologies .. impressions .. stands we take .. all these and a lot more help in making our minds in several matters that we face and go through.

By time, you start to recognize yourself deeper and deeper. The way you like things, those who you like and those you don't. You start to have something like a "catalog" by which you automatically get yourself the answers whenever you need them.

Till you reach the point when you find yourself stuck. You do not what you think highly of and sometimes what you yourself think as wrong or shameful. Life is smart, it puts you every now and then in this tricky situation when you have to face what you believe in.

And I personally think the hardest ever is when you find your self contradicts with your own standards. Here you start to question your self and to think your standards over. Sometimes it's just a tough way to improve yourself. But, other times it just puts you in front of every single though you once ever thought of. How you comprehend each life detail.

And I think what's even more silly and outrageous is when we judge people for their contradictions as if we have never done it. It's by these contradictions that everyone gets the chance to know himself more and more and this is a puzzle that you can't deprive anyone from, since we all go through it from time to time.

انت يا جنة حبى و اشتياقى و جنونى

انت يا قبلة روحى و انطلاقى و شجونى

اغدا تشرق اضواءك فى ليل عيونى

اه من فرحة احلامى و من خوف ظنونى

كم اناديك و فى لحنى .. فى لحنى حنين و دعاء

اه رجائى انا .. كم عذبنى طول الرجاء

انا لولا انت .. انت لم تحفل بمن راح و جاء

انا احيا بغدى الان باحلام اللقاء

فات او لا تأت او فافعل بقلبى ما تشاء

من اشعار الهادى آدم ..... اغدا القاك

can it be normal or at least ordinary?
Your modes fluctuates with every little single event in your life.
You're so much eager to laugh so that you burst out of laughing from any thing near to funny.
And then the simplest silly thing reminds u of what u really are .. an unhappy person.. as if it reminds u of what u basically are.
And afterwards, they all come back together.. to hit all .. suddenly .. with no warning.
And it hurts every time like the first time.
So what?? Stop smiling? one day of this didn't change, the heart would have been used to despair and no hope would be there left in your blood!!

Nessun dorma

"Nessun dorma" is an aria from the final act of Giacomo Puccini's opera Turandot. The aria, whose title translates from Italian as "Let no one sleep", follows the proclamation by the Princess Turandot that no one shall sleep: they shall all spend the night attempting to find out the name of the unknown prince, Calaf, who has set the challenge. Calaf sings, indicating his certainty that their effort will be in vain.

Verses (from the original libretto) Il principe ignoto Nessun dorma!... Tu pure, o Principessa, Nella tua fredda stanza Guardi le stelle Che tremano d'amore e di speranza. Ma il mio mistero è chiuso in me, Il nome mio nessun saprà! Solo quando la luce splenderà, Sulla tua bocca lo dirò fremente!... Ed il mio bacio scioglierà il silenzio Che ti fa mia!... Voci di donne Il nome suo nessun saprà... E noi dovremo, ahimè, morir!... Il principe ignoto Dilegua, o notte!... Tramontate, stelle!... All'alba vincerò!...

Translated from the score.

The Prince Nobody shall sleep!... Nobody shall sleep! Even you, o Princess, in your cold room, watch the stars, that tremble with love and with hope.
But my secret is hidden within me, my name no one shall know... No!...No!... On your mouth I will tell it when the light shines.
And my kiss will dissolve the silence that makes you mine!...

The Chorus of women No one will know his name and we must, alas, die.

The Prince Vanish, o night! Set, stars! Set, stars! At dawn, I will win! I will win! I will win!

you can listen to it from here
http://rapidshare.com/files/40330940/09_-_Turandot_-_Nessun_dorma.mp3.html

LIFE SUX!!



It does! No matter how hard we try to avoid this or to say it's not true .. we know very well inside our minds and hearts that it does, life does sux!!
But actually how we deal with shit is what we really are. Some people try all their lives to make some sense to it.. sometimes they succeed , other times they fail.. most of the times they just can't and then get depressed. Some people have some spiritual values on which they rely.. I know muslims call it "ebtela2" and we look at it as a way to proof we can still say "el7amdolellah"and by that we get "7asanat" and "sawab" aiming for the ultimate goal "eljanna" , this releaves the pain and makes it not only less painful but of great value as well. Other people go for drugs .. alcohol .. antidepressants .. tranquilizers .. anything that just will dissociate them from what their minds can't really digest. Some transform it into different sorts of arts for the rest of humans to enjoy. It's fact that art is pain's new born.

And now comes a question? Why do we get confused when shit happens?? What's so strange about shit? I know a considerable number of people who are completely aware of this "shit happens"! If so.., then why do we all get confused when it happens to us in particular? I mean to be sad .. gloomy .. depressed .. or even suicidal I can get but do u know that most of the time it's the sense of "victimization" is the real cause of most of our bad moments in life?

We get sad when you loose a job we think we deserve, by this I mean any job we think we can not any job that we applied to.
We grief the people whom we loose cause this makes a void in our emotional dependance that we probably spend all our lives trying to ensure it to our selves

You know what... We expect too much from life! In a certain way, our twisted minds have succeeded in convincing us that we owe life that we live it happily though I can never recall a say or contract that supports such a false el ligation.

Who said we should live happy so that our sad moments become so sad?
I remember Quraa'n "lakad khalakna elensana fe kabad" .. pretty simple
it's so simple
It really does
LIFE SUX!

so next time you face a bad time you just remind yourself of this "shit happens and life sux"
to all the people.
don't compare .. always remember .. he who is laughing now didn't spend all his life laughing nor will spend the rest of it doing . Some people are just clever at hiding their tears.. but always remember that they sure are having their shitty share of live.

so just relax and enjoy it as much as you can.. this bad today may be a dream tomorrow cause life can get really ugly. cause it is ugly
It really is
LIFE SUX!!

زرار البوز


مش البوز اللى بيان فى خلقة الناس كلها و مخلينا خلاص شعب كده "سحنته نكد ". انا بقصد زرار ال بوز بتاع الميديا بلاير و الكاسيت
اللى بندوس عليه لما ماما تنادى علينا و احنا بنشوف فيلم اباحى او لما اخواتنا يهجموا على الاودة فى احلى حتة فى السونج _ اغنية يعنى_. لأ اصل انا جامده اوى فى الانجليزى
اهو زرار البوز ده استخراع جامد جدا
لو كان البنى ادم ليه زرار بوز كنت دوست على بتاعى
محدش يكلمنى من غير ما ينسونى
مكلمش حد من غير ما يزعلوا
معملش حاجة من غير مارجع ورا
مصحاش من غير ماندم
ماغلطش
ماحلمش
ماضحكش
مابكيش
سييكى عالفلسفة!! طب مانموت احسن. لأ تمنى الموت حرام. بعدين انا بقول بوز
اجمل حاجة انى حارجع بالضبط ماطرح ما وقفت
حاجة تجنن مش كده؟

The Choices We Make

It's a very well known fact that we pay for our choices and that no matter how hard we try to make it appear that we are in full control, still that part will have to pump. The "forced" part.. The tough one. And through these parts that our self courage and ability to fight for ourselves appear.
The reason I say this is that these days I'm being faced with some of the facts that I thought I'm fully aware of and prepared to face. Most of the time I used to think that I have my full plan with me and there can be no more surprises except for some unexpected events that must happen from time to time to every person. But the truth is it's not planned and I'm not fully prepared. It is as big as I expected and as tiring as I did but waay too much harder.
Am I going to be always ready? Am I always do it correctly? These questions are driving me crazy.
I'm not worried about today or tomorrow..It's the years to come that takes sleep from my eyes. "WHAT IF I AM COMPLETELY WRONG?"
But I don't feel wrong and I know I'm not. May be I won't be as strong as I am now ... all what I have is to pray

So dear GOD! May I remain as strong as I am now
I just wish I don't regret these days when I'm 40!!

That's what I'm becoming
I'm becoming the me that I want
I'm becoming the me that I hate !!

Never thought self training will actually do it.
Here I am .. as insensitive as I wished for myself.... but am I glad??
I'm no longer hurt .. I'm stronger .. I'm tougher ..


Wonderful!!!

يا عينى عليكى يا طيبة
لما بتضيعى منا
لما بنصحى نلاقينا
بقينا حد غيرنا

و فى عز الاحتياج
لحضن يضمنا
و فى عز الاشتياق
لحضن يضمنا
قادرين ازاى ندوس
على قلب حبنا
و بقينا ازاى كده

اجمل ما فينا قلب
اصبح حتة حجر
اتعلم الخيانة
و اللعب بالبشر

و مين اختارلنا
و احنا ازاى رضينا
نعيش وحوش فى غابة
و نقول مكتوب عليناا

و اه من يوم هييجى
مليان جرح و الم
هتدور الدايرة بينا
و هندفع التمن
و نصرخ مهما تصرخ
ولا حد هيسمعك
مفيش مركب هتقدر بالعمر ترجعك
و بقينا ازاى كده

These r not my words, these r the words of a very nice song by the Egyptian singer Amal Maher and the music is compsed by Yaser Abdel Rahman. I still dunnow who wrote it but i'll do isa and i'll mention it here.

I Believe!!

. I believe I deserve a miracle, only if I stop seeing it as a one!
. I believe we all are alone, only those who allow it, feel lonely!
. I believe the very high moments I have during surgery, deserves all the effort!
. I believe everyone can love, and anyone can be loved....but twice together? for the same person??
. I believe I can be a good 40 if I stop wasting my 30s on thinking of it!
. I believe we all become the best ourselves when we feel we don't have to!
. I believe I can accompany myself through it all!
. I believe a kid laugh in a day is more joy than I can ever dream of for myself!
. I believe every sad fearful moment I had in my life actually reminds me that my present pain will end... cause the space has to be emptied for new ones!
. I believe one can lead, but after spending sometime in following and spending some other time in being good at it!
. I believe everything doesn't have to be ok!
. I believe it's not about winning and loosing, it's about being smart enough to enjoy the game anyway!!
. I believe living without a child must be for a very good reason!!



To be continued

Goodbye Maie
thx alot dear