Do I miss you? Do I miss your love? Was I in real love? or have I lost the ability to love inside me?
All these are questions eating my brain alive. Every time I laugh, I see your face and I wonder.. am I betraying what we once had?
I talk about you and I get angry, puzzled and disappointed. Though I failed to understand why you did what you did, I still feel ...... for you.
Anyone can -correctly- fill in the blank;
sorrow..anger..jealousy..frustration...etc.
Can we say pain? May be ..but I can't claim I do all the time.
I know my friends are helping.
I know I owe my masters a lot.
Why don't I miss you ?
How?
Wasn't this love?
Was I lying to you? To myself?
I don't miss you ... I don't resent you
I don't want to see you.. I don't want not to see you
I NOTHING YOU! and for that I feel guilty !!
Do you want to know why? It's cause of how bad you hurt me. Yes!
Typical? I know... true though.
I can never forget how unhappy I was trying to please you when all what you did was asking for more and blaming me for not responding -gladly-!!
I will never forget how many times I couldn't find any loving piece inside you!
How can I forget the moments of despair..pain..tears..oh! a lot of tears!
How could you be this demanding.. How were you able to cut it that short this fast?
I felt something was sucking life out of me.
One day I got sick........what did you do? More demanding..more pain..more guilt!
Oh yea! It wasn't me who didn't love you..it was you
It wasn't me who fooled us..it was you!
It shouldn't be me who feels guilty ..you! ..... No! I do feel guilty!
I am sorry I put my heart through your pain!
I am sorry I made my body suffer sickness and you at the same time!
I am sorry I allowed my pride being this hurt and I watched..silently!
I am sorry I took all this dissatisfaction and I took blame for them too!
I am sorry I hurt me .. I humiliated me..I degraded me .. .. when I loved you!
and for that I feel guilty!
What is it that I feel towards you? I would love to know. I feel something but I can't call it. I have no name for it.
I miss you and I resent you!!
I want to see and I don't want to see you!!
Yesterday I was somewhere we met before..... sad memory? No and Yes.
I told my friends .. we were here doing that. I even saw us and I couldn't say what I felt.
Simply cause I don't know what was that that we had.
I can't describe not having you cause I lost the definition of what was it when I had you.
I am confused, blurred and puzzled
and for that I feel guilty!
I guess I'm just over you...and for that I should not feel guilty
Friday, October 24, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
"Les Fleus du mal" The poem and the Sarah Brightman Song
First of all, I'd like you to be in the same position as I am now. Early in today's morning, I was dedicated a song from a friend by Sarah Brightman, one of really favorite singers. I was so much touched by her voice and I wanted more. I downloaded her latest albums, SYMPHONY, and as I started listening to the songs one after the other, I listened to this one called " Fleur du Mal" and I told myself "Oh my god!" I felt somehow connected, but this can happen a lot, specially to someone who thinks highly of music as something that touches the soul deeper than most values in the world. But it kept hitting me that I know these words from somewhere else. And so I googled it and I remembered. "LES FLEURS DU MAL" which means "The flowers of evil" is a collection of French poems by Charles Baudelaire. A piece that related a lot to themes like eroticism, lust, human power, and above all..how we as human souls tend to somehow choose between evil and good and nourish it to grow into our souls. One very good and sincere part is this :
Si le viol, le poison, le poignard, l'incendie,
N'ont pas encore brodé de leurs plaisants dessins
Le canevas banal de nos piteux destins,
C'est que notre âme, hélas! n'est pas assez hardie.
If rape and poison, dagger and burning,
Have still not embroidered their pleasant designs
On the banal canvas of our pitiable destinies,
It's because our souls, alas, are not bold enough!
I couldn't get the whole poem - if anyone can, I'll be more than happy- but I put the poem with the lyrics with Marwa Rakha's book "THE POISON TREE" which is also a poem for Jim Blake, I put them all together and I flew into a world of mine where everything is pure and clear. Even evil, for it's the blackness of life that makes you appreciate the beauty of the white. Here's the lyrics of the song:
Is it you I keep thinking of?
Should I feel like I do?
I've come to know that I miss your love
While I'm not missing you
We run
Til it's gone
Et les fleurs du mal
Won't let you be
You hold the key to an open door
Will I ever be free?
Les fleurs du mal unfold
Comme les fleurs du mal
Dark demons of my soul
Un amour fatal
Been tryin' hard to fight
Comme les fleurs du mal
Les fleurs du mal inside
Un amour fatal
All my life I've been waiting for
In this perfume of pain
To forget when I needed more
Of love's endless refrain
We live
And we pray
Pour les fleurs du mal
I've lost my way
What is done will return again
Will I ever be free?
Les fleurs du mal
Comme les fleurs du mal
Un amour fatal
Comme les fleurs du mal
the song is here
Monday, June 16, 2008
Managing relationships between being spontanous &being smart
Thinking about it, one of the very healthy signs of a human relationship- doesn't have to be a man and a woman- is how natural the people in this relationship really are.
A relationship where I find myself accepted and appreciated for what I really am with no pressure on me from any place to try doing or being something that I'm not can be called a "healthy" relationship. Whereas being in a place where I loose being self freely is by definition a very bad place where I have to so everything I can to be in frequently.
When it comes to dealing with men, as life partners, there's this list known to many women about the mistakes you can do to end up having the relationship cancer which is "be taken for granted".
So women by ages developed vaccinations, warning flayers and one-to-one and one-to-groups lectures. By time, women are fully aware of the concept of how to keep the man away from the place where he can take you for granted.
But then after a while women and men started to over calculate every move, every word, every gesture and every request from the other side. Cause men haven been also brought up with the same protective method against being "markoub" meaning the weak man controlled by his wife and women are now also armed and ready for their battles.
So now it is so normal that you do the exact opposite of what you actually do. Or say what you don't want to say. If you're in a mode for hanging out and you were asked out you are supposed to say no cause you don't want to be the "easy one".
May be when it's saying no for a hangout it's not the end of the world. After all, I can hang out alone. But won't this make us loose our "being our owns"?
I'm one of those who can't loose being spontaneous or at least natural. If by any chance I started to think of every single word and move, I automatically loose my self confidence and actually a big deal of my creativity.
So now I don't know, I do believe being myself is the best. Still I agree that I can't accept being takes for granted.
A relationship where I find myself accepted and appreciated for what I really am with no pressure on me from any place to try doing or being something that I'm not can be called a "healthy" relationship. Whereas being in a place where I loose being self freely is by definition a very bad place where I have to so everything I can to be in frequently.
When it comes to dealing with men, as life partners, there's this list known to many women about the mistakes you can do to end up having the relationship cancer which is "be taken for granted".
So women by ages developed vaccinations, warning flayers and one-to-one and one-to-groups lectures. By time, women are fully aware of the concept of how to keep the man away from the place where he can take you for granted.
But then after a while women and men started to over calculate every move, every word, every gesture and every request from the other side. Cause men haven been also brought up with the same protective method against being "markoub" meaning the weak man controlled by his wife and women are now also armed and ready for their battles.
So now it is so normal that you do the exact opposite of what you actually do. Or say what you don't want to say. If you're in a mode for hanging out and you were asked out you are supposed to say no cause you don't want to be the "easy one".
May be when it's saying no for a hangout it's not the end of the world. After all, I can hang out alone. But won't this make us loose our "being our owns"?
I'm one of those who can't loose being spontaneous or at least natural. If by any chance I started to think of every single word and move, I automatically loose my self confidence and actually a big deal of my creativity.
So now I don't know, I do believe being myself is the best. Still I agree that I can't accept being takes for granted.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Martin Luther King, Jr. "I Have a Dream"
This part moves me - like a lot of people- and I thought of sharing it with you.
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
I have a dream today!
I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.
I have a dream today!
I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."The whole speech is here
Thursday, June 12, 2008
"Farewell" to my medical career
Hello,
Hi dear, How are you? I know I'll be fine. Ever since yesterday, I was thinking of what happened, trying to figure out a reason or an explanation. Since I was a little girl, mom used to tell me life won't give you what you want every time and sometimes it'll beat you where it really hurts and take from you the things that are so dear from you no matter how much you wanted them or how hard it'll be for you to survive losing them. This was ok to my brain, but actually my heart didn't seem to grasp it yet.
I know I loved you from the bottom of my heart. I wanted you like I never wanted anything in my whole life. I had my very few sweetest dreams about you. I only pictured myself happy beside you. To me, you were my salvation, my peace, and you were where I go anytime I needed a friend, a hug, or just to hear you telling me it's going to be ok!. Most of the times, you didn't tell me this, but you didn't have to say it in fact, just be near to you was enough for me.
Through all these years, you were not so nice to me. You turned your back everytime I ran to you and I smiled. You made me cry and I didn't blame you. You made me feel bad about myself and I allowed it. You made it easier for anyone who wanted to hurt me. If this is what it takes to be around you.
No one dared treating me the way you did. No one understood how and why I was ok with it. To some, you were fine but not to that extent. For others, you were not that much of a friend to work this hard to be close to you, just to be a far friend is enough. To all of them you were just a "job". But you know very well you were deep deep in my heart, and they couldn't see why. You know very well you were - are- my passion!
After all, in spite of how bad you were to me, you helped me getting through these tough times.
I gave you chances that you never asked for. I chose to believe you're good to me if by chance you did something nice - unintentionally -. I fooled myself that you're just (tough) or (hard) or that this is just how you are and if I'm as loyal as I claim, I have stick and be strong. I blamed myself for every back step that was taken between us. "It must have been something you should have done and missed" I recited that to myself over and over. There's no such a valuable thing in this life that comes easily and I used that to motivate myself to work even harder. But it was never hard enough, I was never good enough.
I refused each and every sign of failure, and they were not a few.
I refused the advices from all the people who told me I should get a way out.
I refused even listening to my own self when I told me "Enough"
I do believe every person is meant to have this really bad relationship in his life. The one that hurts the most, the one that never gets better no matter how hard one tries to work it. And it's this relationship that either makes the soul as strongest.. as powerful.. and as fearless as it can get, or sabotages it for good.
I know I have to be strong now. And it's not cause I refuse that, or cause I don't want it. But because I can't take it anymore!
So I'll be gone for a while. I can't promise to come back though I'm not saying I won't. It's just that I need to be distant from you for sometime.
No matter what happens I will never forget you. And I'll always always love you from the deepest part of my heart.
Yours,
Eman Hashim
P.S.: I have to thank my friend Marwa Rakha cause she's the one who inspired me with this idea of writing you a letter.
Hi dear, How are you? I know I'll be fine. Ever since yesterday, I was thinking of what happened, trying to figure out a reason or an explanation. Since I was a little girl, mom used to tell me life won't give you what you want every time and sometimes it'll beat you where it really hurts and take from you the things that are so dear from you no matter how much you wanted them or how hard it'll be for you to survive losing them. This was ok to my brain, but actually my heart didn't seem to grasp it yet.
I know I loved you from the bottom of my heart. I wanted you like I never wanted anything in my whole life. I had my very few sweetest dreams about you. I only pictured myself happy beside you. To me, you were my salvation, my peace, and you were where I go anytime I needed a friend, a hug, or just to hear you telling me it's going to be ok!. Most of the times, you didn't tell me this, but you didn't have to say it in fact, just be near to you was enough for me.
Through all these years, you were not so nice to me. You turned your back everytime I ran to you and I smiled. You made me cry and I didn't blame you. You made me feel bad about myself and I allowed it. You made it easier for anyone who wanted to hurt me. If this is what it takes to be around you.
No one dared treating me the way you did. No one understood how and why I was ok with it. To some, you were fine but not to that extent. For others, you were not that much of a friend to work this hard to be close to you, just to be a far friend is enough. To all of them you were just a "job". But you know very well you were deep deep in my heart, and they couldn't see why. You know very well you were - are- my passion!
After all, in spite of how bad you were to me, you helped me getting through these tough times.
I gave you chances that you never asked for. I chose to believe you're good to me if by chance you did something nice - unintentionally -. I fooled myself that you're just (tough) or (hard) or that this is just how you are and if I'm as loyal as I claim, I have stick and be strong. I blamed myself for every back step that was taken between us. "It must have been something you should have done and missed" I recited that to myself over and over. There's no such a valuable thing in this life that comes easily and I used that to motivate myself to work even harder. But it was never hard enough, I was never good enough.
I refused each and every sign of failure, and they were not a few.
I refused the advices from all the people who told me I should get a way out.
I refused even listening to my own self when I told me "Enough"
I do believe every person is meant to have this really bad relationship in his life. The one that hurts the most, the one that never gets better no matter how hard one tries to work it. And it's this relationship that either makes the soul as strongest.. as powerful.. and as fearless as it can get, or sabotages it for good.
I know I have to be strong now. And it's not cause I refuse that, or cause I don't want it. But because I can't take it anymore!
So I'll be gone for a while. I can't promise to come back though I'm not saying I won't. It's just that I need to be distant from you for sometime.
No matter what happens I will never forget you. And I'll always always love you from the deepest part of my heart.
Yours,
Eman Hashim
P.S.: I have to thank my friend Marwa Rakha cause she's the one who inspired me with this idea of writing you a letter.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Strength ..... A whole different perspective
Strength is a miraculous power by which some people are blessed. It's by their internal strength that they pass through pain.
Lately I started to feel my strength is a my misery. For some people think as long as I can survive so the pain is Ok!!
In Neurology, there's a concept called " The threshold of pain " It's about the fact that each nerve is built up with the maximum excitation that the nerve can take above which the nerve will send some signals for the person to recognize that his body is under attack to take an action away from the pain.
Couple of years ago, I had this slight pain in my teeth which I was puzzled by. As my sister is a dentist, I showed her and she told why don't you come at my work to check it and I did. She and her supervisor doctor were shocked, I saw it in their faces that I was worried for a while. "What's the matter?" I anxiously asked... " You have a very deep caries in one of your molars" She said .." and you're lucky it didn't reach the nerve bulb, I wonder how it took this long to feel the pain. You really have a very high pain threshold"
She was complementing me but here it shows how my "High pain threshold" isn't much of a bless for it masks the fact that I'm being hurt and it fools everyone, me included, that I can take it while the fact is my body can't.
Yes, there were time in my life when I hated my strength! There were times that envied people who loose consciousness when they are put under stress for other do their best not to stress on them.
I wished I broke down into pieces may be he'd leave me alone.
I wished my heart would stop beaten for you to stop grasping it with your grip.
I wished for even to die for the pain to go away!
May be my death will take you out of my waisted life. May be earth and dust will be more merciful on my stabbed heart. May be this will make all the pain, aches and bitterness go far far from my gone soul.
It's my strength that helps me surviving you each time.
And it's my survival that challenges you to hit harder every time.
OK! Fine!! I'll say it! Just leave me alone!!I swear to god I can't take it anymore..
Do you need to see me broken into pieces for you to leave in peace?
What if my body is so stronger than to be crushed?
What if my heart is sighing "Enough"!!
But no! You'll keep hitting every piece
You'll keep killing every beat
You'll keep fighting every bit of hope..every trace of pride and sign of independence
I know no way to tell you this...But really truly I honestly can't take it anymore!!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
American History X
Few hours ago, I just finished watching the movie " American History X" . And Couldn't stop thinking.
What an amazing movie that touches a deep part of human nature, a part that actually shapes the rest of the pieces needed for a person to be be "human". This part is called " Faith"!
Forget about Blacks, Whites, Nazis. Ans mind the whole American history. This movie takes us to a very insightful journey inside the human brain. How it is so easy sometimes to fill it with all the crap of judgmental hatred and chaos, as long as you're giving this particular brain the privilege of being the smarter and so long you're reciting to him over and over that he's a hero and that he's defending a bigger cause.
How many people , young people, have you seen who are bold, naked, accessorrized and they have this look in their eyes. The look that says " I know I'm great! I know I represent what's right and what life is really all about. I'm sure I'm better, but I'm so empty headed and my soul is being fed by nothing but bitterness and grudge against each and everyone who is not me and I even have no reason for all this!"
I know I have seen some of them. Actually I was lucky to see a variety of them; Islamics, Seculars, Communists, anti feminists..etc
They are all the same. Same look, same attitude, same arrogance, same shallowness, and even same boldness sometimes!
They all have the same book containing the same vocabulary but may be in different order.
But what really touched me in the movie was not all this. It's the journey itself! Starting from the mere belief without any traces of comprehension, passing through the massive painful failure when life tests those statues and it becomes stabbing obvious how fragile all this system really is, ending by self destruction and agony.
It's the very well known story of how terrorism came to our lives taking all the air and giving us anger and stubbornness instead to breath.
Smart people question what they grow up into. Pure people ask their hearts, for hearts never lie.
Brave people don't fake. If they don't buy it they say it and they say it out loud!
They are the ones change the world, they are those who make history and they are always the ones who pay everything- even their lives sometimes- for defending the truth and for declaring it!
I'll end this quoting from the movie .. This is the last lines said:
So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it. Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like. 'We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.'
Note: The final quote was for Abraham LincolnSaturday, April 19, 2008
Why ... If only ... Right now ... One day ... and I'll remember!
Why do you get your strength when you're only sure of my weakness? Aren't you supposed to be a source of mine?
Why is your power always conditioned by my helplessness? Am I not allowed to gain power from you?
Why is it always you who really matters? Am I not naturally your life time priority?
Why do you enjoy reminding me of how lonely I am when your hug is supposed to be more than enough?
Why is making you vanish my need, my goal and my salvation while your absence for others is a catastrophe?
Why do I only feel small, defensive, lonely, helpless, useless, harmless, tasteless, and even colorless at your presence and so why is your presence accompanied by me not liking me?
Is that what you want? Is that all what it is about? Cause you don't like me? Cause you refuse me?
If only you knew..
If only you knew....
If only you knew I fight the world picturing you.
If only you knew I fear any one who looks, eats,talks,walks,breaths or even just a man like you.
If only you knew I wish for a place where I know you can't reach.
If only you knew I pray for a wall that you can't break.
Right Now,
Right now I challenge you when I know I can't!
Right now I am gathering every piece of my power while I know I don't have!
Right now I want to sigh and I can feel your grip round my throat!
Right now I want to hit you hard to make you any close of how unbearably painful it is for me!
Right now I even silently cry but...
but One day
One day I will let you know how strong I can be
One day I will make you feel the burns that ate inside of me
One day I will laugh not scared of you
One day you will hear my giggle & you won't be able to say a word. It was never a crime
One day I will also cry and won't consider your false sense of victory, for tears were never a shame nor will be a sign of defeat
One day I will open my eyes, raise my head, spread my arms , stretch my lungs and I will not be hunted by the memories of you!
Yet, I'll remember
I'll remember that you left no chance for breaking me
I'll remember that you took every opportunity to stab my soul
I'll remember that it was you who said it in every possible way " I don't want you" " I don't like you"
I'll remember that you were the cause for the tear marks on her cheeks, for the deep sadness appealing from her eyes, for the deprivation she suffered till she no longer can perceive
I'll remember that it was you who absorbed all the air for no one to breath but you.. fresh air was yours and only yours to distribute
I'll remember that it was you who sucked any life in front of you for no life deserve to grow except this grown by you
Why ... If only ... Right now ... One day ... and I'll remember
Why is your power always conditioned by my helplessness? Am I not allowed to gain power from you?
Why is it always you who really matters? Am I not naturally your life time priority?
Why do you enjoy reminding me of how lonely I am when your hug is supposed to be more than enough?
Why is making you vanish my need, my goal and my salvation while your absence for others is a catastrophe?
Why do I only feel small, defensive, lonely, helpless, useless, harmless, tasteless, and even colorless at your presence and so why is your presence accompanied by me not liking me?
Is that what you want? Is that all what it is about? Cause you don't like me? Cause you refuse me?
If only you knew..
If only you knew....
If only you knew I fight the world picturing you.
If only you knew I fear any one who looks, eats,talks,walks,breaths or even just a man like you.
If only you knew I wish for a place where I know you can't reach.
If only you knew I pray for a wall that you can't break.
Right Now,
Right now I challenge you when I know I can't!
Right now I am gathering every piece of my power while I know I don't have!
Right now I want to sigh and I can feel your grip round my throat!
Right now I want to hit you hard to make you any close of how unbearably painful it is for me!
Right now I even silently cry but...
but One day
One day I will let you know how strong I can be
One day I will make you feel the burns that ate inside of me
One day I will laugh not scared of you
One day you will hear my giggle & you won't be able to say a word. It was never a crime
One day I will also cry and won't consider your false sense of victory, for tears were never a shame nor will be a sign of defeat
One day I will open my eyes, raise my head, spread my arms , stretch my lungs and I will not be hunted by the memories of you!
Yet, I'll remember
I'll remember that you left no chance for breaking me
I'll remember that you took every opportunity to stab my soul
I'll remember that it was you who said it in every possible way " I don't want you" " I don't like you"
I'll remember that you were the cause for the tear marks on her cheeks, for the deep sadness appealing from her eyes, for the deprivation she suffered till she no longer can perceive
I'll remember that it was you who absorbed all the air for no one to breath but you.. fresh air was yours and only yours to distribute
I'll remember that it was you who sucked any life in front of you for no life deserve to grow except this grown by you
Why ... If only ... Right now ... One day ... and I'll remember
Sunday, March 30, 2008
The American Idol experience
For those who have no idea, "American Idol "like "So you think you can dance " is a TV show that's concerned with exploring talents in singing and dancing respectively from all over the globe and of course mainly the US, helping them to grow their abilities and making sure they take the first steps that can guarantee them a steady career.
The show starts as auditions session in almost every state choosing all the potential talents that indicate a possible star. Then they gather them in the camp-like studio where they are subjected to several kinds of tests concerning what could be required from them as singers or dancers till the judges choose their top 20 for the season.
After which, each week, the candidates have their own show then after the end of the episode the phone lines are kept open for 2 hours for ppl to vote which was their favourite. Of which the bottom three with the lowest percentage of votes are in the danger zone where the judges choose one of the three to go and leave the competition till they are top 10 where judges have no say in this and only the one with lowest votes will go and then the winner is declared.
i won't go into the details of the credibility of the show and the real amazing talents that these 2 shows present to us as you can easily know that by just trying to know who the winners are. You will be amazed by how successful they are now.
What I really wanna talk about, is the first steps, THE AUDISIONS, My god!! you can't imagine who lame they can be sometimes. As for the first show .. you can actually hear tone-deaf ppl, nasally deformed persons, and even ppl with shyness and attitude problems. Psychos..nuts..and even those who have no categorization!!
I'm not mocking people here, I'm just amazed by this human ability to "fool" thyself that someone can actually allow himself to enter a talent serious contest in something that any 3 years old can literally cry his tears from how bad his performance can reach!
Haven't you ever asked yourself if you do the same? Not necessarily in singing or dancing.. It can be anything you're involved in.
Then there's the second type of contestants, Those who are good but not good enough. They are "OK" but not a star material. I actually remember Simone Fuller - the very harsh and sometimes rude executive and judge- when he says this over and over; "You are as good as performing in front of your family, but people won't grab their phones to vote for you nor pay money to actually listen to you" or " You are no news" or " you are from the book".
Now ... here's the question; Have you ever asked yourself if you're actually as specially good as you think you are?
So we all can write, but how many of us whose words will really be read 20 ..50 ..100 years from now?
Many of us are thinkers .. rebellions .. and revolutionaries, but which one of us will change his own history with a step that can touch someones life and affect it?
I know glory as itself cannot be a goal for life. It's by how amazingly you alter in your life structure that history will mention your name - probably even years after your death- with great deal of appreciation.
But the idea that freaks me out and kept me from sleeping for 3 days now - as the last episode I watched was last Friday- is how can I know that I'm not fooling myself?
Is passion enough? or passion with hard work? or is it the real unconditoned beyond doubt faith that will motivate me every time I feel I need a push??
As much as I hate lying..I get disgusted by humans who lie to themselves. As much as I refuse fakeness, a fake soul makes my stomach butterflies urge to kick. As much as I believe in myself, I would love it if I made sure that I'm not fooling her nor feeding her false hopes or "just OK" talents. I believe each one of us has his "Star Material" potential. This area where his footsteps will be marked no matter how long time passes after.
It's ones own responsibility and ultimate search to find this sand on which his feet will mark and to choose the "how,when,why & where" he will take these steps.
So do you have any clues? Are you sure of them? How often do you allow your questions to pump? Do you answer them? Are you " Lame..just OK ..not star material..special"? Where are you in every little path that you took someday, wish to take, planning to, or even taking just right now?
The show starts as auditions session in almost every state choosing all the potential talents that indicate a possible star. Then they gather them in the camp-like studio where they are subjected to several kinds of tests concerning what could be required from them as singers or dancers till the judges choose their top 20 for the season.
After which, each week, the candidates have their own show then after the end of the episode the phone lines are kept open for 2 hours for ppl to vote which was their favourite. Of which the bottom three with the lowest percentage of votes are in the danger zone where the judges choose one of the three to go and leave the competition till they are top 10 where judges have no say in this and only the one with lowest votes will go and then the winner is declared.
i won't go into the details of the credibility of the show and the real amazing talents that these 2 shows present to us as you can easily know that by just trying to know who the winners are. You will be amazed by how successful they are now.
What I really wanna talk about, is the first steps, THE AUDISIONS, My god!! you can't imagine who lame they can be sometimes. As for the first show .. you can actually hear tone-deaf ppl, nasally deformed persons, and even ppl with shyness and attitude problems. Psychos..nuts..and even those who have no categorization!!
I'm not mocking people here, I'm just amazed by this human ability to "fool" thyself that someone can actually allow himself to enter a talent serious contest in something that any 3 years old can literally cry his tears from how bad his performance can reach!
Haven't you ever asked yourself if you do the same? Not necessarily in singing or dancing.. It can be anything you're involved in.
Then there's the second type of contestants, Those who are good but not good enough. They are "OK" but not a star material. I actually remember Simone Fuller - the very harsh and sometimes rude executive and judge- when he says this over and over; "You are as good as performing in front of your family, but people won't grab their phones to vote for you nor pay money to actually listen to you" or " You are no news" or " you are from the book".
Now ... here's the question; Have you ever asked yourself if you're actually as specially good as you think you are?
So we all can write, but how many of us whose words will really be read 20 ..50 ..100 years from now?
Many of us are thinkers .. rebellions .. and revolutionaries, but which one of us will change his own history with a step that can touch someones life and affect it?
I know glory as itself cannot be a goal for life. It's by how amazingly you alter in your life structure that history will mention your name - probably even years after your death- with great deal of appreciation.
But the idea that freaks me out and kept me from sleeping for 3 days now - as the last episode I watched was last Friday- is how can I know that I'm not fooling myself?
Is passion enough? or passion with hard work? or is it the real unconditoned beyond doubt faith that will motivate me every time I feel I need a push??
As much as I hate lying..I get disgusted by humans who lie to themselves. As much as I refuse fakeness, a fake soul makes my stomach butterflies urge to kick. As much as I believe in myself, I would love it if I made sure that I'm not fooling her nor feeding her false hopes or "just OK" talents. I believe each one of us has his "Star Material" potential. This area where his footsteps will be marked no matter how long time passes after.
It's ones own responsibility and ultimate search to find this sand on which his feet will mark and to choose the "how,when,why & where" he will take these steps.
So do you have any clues? Are you sure of them? How often do you allow your questions to pump? Do you answer them? Are you " Lame..just OK ..not star material..special"? Where are you in every little path that you took someday, wish to take, planning to, or even taking just right now?
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Have you ever heard the sound of silence? It has a very scary sound that is not percieved by our ears but felt by our hearts.
She woke up after one of her sleepless almost fainting naps hearing nothing but the sound of silence.
Everyone told her it'll pass..this will get better by time and the pain will eventually fade away. She kept looking inside her soul for that road with no pain at its end. They told her we'r being given the pain we can take even when we don't believe so, so she searched her heart for that point that ached least till it hurted more. With her turning around, her eyes were trying to spot a place where light isn't stabbingly painfull..even oxygen irritated her lungs.
Suddenly she was no where, like a scene from a Sci-Fic movie, a circular creature with her at the centre taking everything around. She wasn't at the center of that circle, she was the circle itself...The void was growing eating the space. She was no where..she felt she's no one.
Her six senses were functioning normally conducting emptiness into her soul. Even tears at some point were useless as they are only helpful when there's a pain to express..her pain was above this threshold of expression. May be it was so painfull that all her sensations were eaten alive.
She sat..stood..drove or lied down trying hard to thinnk os something good in her life.. to remind of her eyes of a lovely scene ..her ears with a touching piece of music , and her soul of any left traces of a life was once in her body.
People kept telling her it'll go away.." You'll get stronger" they repeatedly said..."your eyes will pick only better colours, your ears will now taste more of what's expressive not describtive, and your heart will......."
"Will what???" She interrupted.. "will love again? laugh again? need again? wait again..bleed again..and ache again??"
Feeling her hearts deepest fear,she ran into it, hugged it and promised protection. At that point her eyes were washed..tears cleared the image, she now sees things more clearly and music even has a better impact..now she likes listening to what's only pure..the sound of the see, the giggle of a child.. Is her soul happier? She won't lie, she can't tell, but at least she knows now she can rest on her peaceful fluffy pad of "Equilibruim" and her heart smiled at the new hope of the pain going away. Now she can feel the pain, and now she can take it!
She woke up after one of her sleepless almost fainting naps hearing nothing but the sound of silence.
Everyone told her it'll pass..this will get better by time and the pain will eventually fade away. She kept looking inside her soul for that road with no pain at its end. They told her we'r being given the pain we can take even when we don't believe so, so she searched her heart for that point that ached least till it hurted more. With her turning around, her eyes were trying to spot a place where light isn't stabbingly painfull..even oxygen irritated her lungs.
Suddenly she was no where, like a scene from a Sci-Fic movie, a circular creature with her at the centre taking everything around. She wasn't at the center of that circle, she was the circle itself...The void was growing eating the space. She was no where..she felt she's no one.
Her six senses were functioning normally conducting emptiness into her soul. Even tears at some point were useless as they are only helpful when there's a pain to express..her pain was above this threshold of expression. May be it was so painfull that all her sensations were eaten alive.
She sat..stood..drove or lied down trying hard to thinnk os something good in her life.. to remind of her eyes of a lovely scene ..her ears with a touching piece of music , and her soul of any left traces of a life was once in her body.
People kept telling her it'll go away.." You'll get stronger" they repeatedly said..."your eyes will pick only better colours, your ears will now taste more of what's expressive not describtive, and your heart will......."
"Will what???" She interrupted.. "will love again? laugh again? need again? wait again..bleed again..and ache again??"
Feeling her hearts deepest fear,she ran into it, hugged it and promised protection. At that point her eyes were washed..tears cleared the image, she now sees things more clearly and music even has a better impact..now she likes listening to what's only pure..the sound of the see, the giggle of a child.. Is her soul happier? She won't lie, she can't tell, but at least she knows now she can rest on her peaceful fluffy pad of "Equilibruim" and her heart smiled at the new hope of the pain going away. Now she can feel the pain, and now she can take it!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
The ability to love
Human nature will always be as simple and as puzzling as we get older and older. The older we get, the simple life seems to us but the harder it gets for us to survive it.
Human interaction is a need and a necessity. One no matter how hard he recites to himself can't live alone. It's through this interactions that we get the right to claim ourselves as humans.
One of the hardest and sweetest forms and the most discussed by man is "Love" and how man can fall in love, It's really amazing how we choose the words to express our thoughts and emotions unintentionally .. "Fall in love" .. Fall .. we tend to tell ourselves that we have no control on such an emotion, and - to keep on puzzling me- most people like it!!
The closer you get to a person, the more you surrender a part of your soul to. The extreme image of this of course is motherhood. This level of emotional dependance that's mandatory to categorize yourself as a person "in love" is what really amazes me.
Why is it so easy to some people?
Why is it so hard to me?
Is there another shapes of human intemacy that doesn't require this?
Mind all these questions, the real question is ... Am I able to do this?
Will I be ever able to let myself this helpless that an another person can actually play a very big role in defining my modes .. actions .. decisions?
The way I see it is that what I call it the " Emotional Dependance " mandatory for love is the hardest, toughest and the sweetest thing about love but yet.. it's an ability that requires open honest discussion between a person and himself, a lot of self-supervizes self training, and above all, the will to risk and take the chances!!
So from ehere I see it, Love is an ability and till now I can't claim I have it. What about you??
Human interaction is a need and a necessity. One no matter how hard he recites to himself can't live alone. It's through this interactions that we get the right to claim ourselves as humans.
One of the hardest and sweetest forms and the most discussed by man is "Love" and how man can fall in love, It's really amazing how we choose the words to express our thoughts and emotions unintentionally .. "Fall in love" .. Fall .. we tend to tell ourselves that we have no control on such an emotion, and - to keep on puzzling me- most people like it!!
The closer you get to a person, the more you surrender a part of your soul to. The extreme image of this of course is motherhood. This level of emotional dependance that's mandatory to categorize yourself as a person "in love" is what really amazes me.
Why is it so easy to some people?
Why is it so hard to me?
Is there another shapes of human intemacy that doesn't require this?
Mind all these questions, the real question is ... Am I able to do this?
Will I be ever able to let myself this helpless that an another person can actually play a very big role in defining my modes .. actions .. decisions?
The way I see it is that what I call it the " Emotional Dependance " mandatory for love is the hardest, toughest and the sweetest thing about love but yet.. it's an ability that requires open honest discussion between a person and himself, a lot of self-supervizes self training, and above all, the will to risk and take the chances!!
So from ehere I see it, Love is an ability and till now I can't claim I have it. What about you??
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Habanera
The "Habanera" is an aria from the opera Carmen by Georges Bizet, adapted from the habanera "El Arreglito" originally composed by Sebastián Yradier. The song is also sometimes known by its first two lines, "L'amour est un oiseau rebelle que nul ne peut apprivoiser". Its melody, among the most famous in the Western musical tradition, is based on a descending chromatic scale followed by variants of the same phrase in first the minor and then the major key, corresponding with the vicissitudes of love expressed in the lyrics. In live performances, after singing the concluding words of the song (prends garde à toi!), Carmen tosses a flower to Don José. Later on, in the celebrated Flower Song, Don José tells how he treasured the flower while in prison.
French | Translation in English |
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http://rapidshare.com/files/54528323/11_-_Quand_je_vous_aimerai-__L_amour_est_un_oiseau_rebelle__Carmen_.mp3.html
Thursday, August 16, 2007
و أخذت رشفة قهوة .. و وضعت موسيقى دايعون بصوت فيروز الملائكى . فهى تحتاج لمثل هذا الهدوء الداخلى حتى يتسنى لها الكتابة فى مثل هذا الموضوع الشائك.
لم تحاول ان ترتب افكارها و لا ان تفكر فيما ستقول فهى تعلم ان ما بداخلها كثير. فى مخيلتها صورة فتاة , نصب عينيها رقصتها , و فى اذينيها ضكتها ... دمعتها .. فى قلبها و}دة فرحتها .. خيبة املها
حاولت كثيرا ان تقاوم المشاعر السلبية بداخلها .. لم تستطع
حاولت ان تلقى على نفسها .. لم تستطع
كانت صغيرة فلم تستسيغ الظلم .. لم تكن اعلم ان هذى هى الحياة .. قبيحة فى ظلمها على كثرته.
مشحونة بكل حبة غضب .. مملوءة بالدموع عيونها , هكذا كانت تنظر للحياة.
ضحكتها لجمالها خطيئة , جمالها لطبيعته عار. واجب عليها ان تخفيه. انوثتها محبوسة فى قفص العار .. العيب .. الحرام
لا تضحكى
لا تخرجى
لا تبكى
لا تحلمى
فأنت هنا كى يخدمى الرجال .. أنت فلى الحياة صانعة للرجال و هذا شرف لكى , هايهات ان ترفضيه.
الرجال اقوى .. الرجال احكم .. الرجال ادرى .. مع الرجال اسلم
لم تفهم لغة الصفعات .. ارهبتها ؟ نعم! و لكن لبعض الوقت
فهاهى الان .. اكبر من ان تهدد
و لكنها معتصرة بالالم .. لم تكن تدرى ان من حبسوها و ضربوها و ظلموها هم اقل بكثير من العدد الحقيقى.
فالكل كان ينظر لأنوثتها التى حاولت و لم تستطع ان تكرهها
لست اضعف من الرجال .. و لن اكون
لكنها فى عالم الرجال انثى .. من سيرى الانسان
ثم سألت نفسها : الا تشتاقين للحب؟ الا تفتقديه؟ الصحبة ؟ الرفقة؟
الاتريدي 06; ان يكون لكى اطفال؟
نظرت حولها كثيرا زو كثيرا و كثيرا
لم تنسى ما حدث .. و لم تكن تقدر ان تكرره .. فهى لذاتها تكن كل التقدير.
كل ما تريده من الرجل هو الاحترام .. و كل ما تريده منه هو ان ينظر للانسان.
ولكنها حالمة. فهى تعيش فى عالم الرجال
منهم المباشر , "اريدها خادمة لى .. فخدمتى شرف , "
و منهم الغير مباشر .. لكنها ليست بالغبية .. فمثل هذه الافكار لا تتوارى
و منهم المدعى و منهم و منهم و منهم و كلهم واحد
كلهم واحد .. كلهم رجال
حتى جاء اليوم .. دخلت فيه حجرتها .. بكت انسانيته 75; .. ثم مسحت دموعها .. صاحبت وحدتها و الفت يفردها ..باتت الان تتقبل غربتها .. اعتادت نظرات التعجب الترقب الرفض و التخوف
فهى انثى رافضة ان تكون فى عالم الرجال!!
تمت
لم تحاول ان ترتب افكارها و لا ان تفكر فيما ستقول فهى تعلم ان ما بداخلها كثير. فى مخيلتها صورة فتاة , نصب عينيها رقصتها , و فى اذينيها ضكتها ... دمعتها .. فى قلبها و}دة فرحتها .. خيبة املها
حاولت كثيرا ان تقاوم المشاعر السلبية بداخلها .. لم تستطع
حاولت ان تلقى على نفسها .. لم تستطع
كانت صغيرة فلم تستسيغ الظلم .. لم تكن اعلم ان هذى هى الحياة .. قبيحة فى ظلمها على كثرته.
مشحونة بكل حبة غضب .. مملوءة بالدموع عيونها , هكذا كانت تنظر للحياة.
ضحكتها لجمالها خطيئة , جمالها لطبيعته عار. واجب عليها ان تخفيه. انوثتها محبوسة فى قفص العار .. العيب .. الحرام
لا تضحكى
لا تخرجى
لا تبكى
لا تحلمى
فأنت هنا كى يخدمى الرجال .. أنت فلى الحياة صانعة للرجال و هذا شرف لكى , هايهات ان ترفضيه.
الرجال اقوى .. الرجال احكم .. الرجال ادرى .. مع الرجال اسلم
لم تفهم لغة الصفعات .. ارهبتها ؟ نعم! و لكن لبعض الوقت
فهاهى الان .. اكبر من ان تهدد
و لكنها معتصرة بالالم .. لم تكن تدرى ان من حبسوها و ضربوها و ظلموها هم اقل بكثير من العدد الحقيقى.
فالكل كان ينظر لأنوثتها التى حاولت و لم تستطع ان تكرهها
لست اضعف من الرجال .. و لن اكون
لكنها فى عالم الرجال انثى .. من سيرى الانسان
ثم سألت نفسها : الا تشتاقين للحب؟ الا تفتقديه؟ الصحبة ؟ الرفقة؟
الاتريدي 06; ان يكون لكى اطفال؟
نظرت حولها كثيرا زو كثيرا و كثيرا
لم تنسى ما حدث .. و لم تكن تقدر ان تكرره .. فهى لذاتها تكن كل التقدير.
كل ما تريده من الرجل هو الاحترام .. و كل ما تريده منه هو ان ينظر للانسان.
ولكنها حالمة. فهى تعيش فى عالم الرجال
منهم المباشر , "اريدها خادمة لى .. فخدمتى شرف , "
و منهم الغير مباشر .. لكنها ليست بالغبية .. فمثل هذه الافكار لا تتوارى
و منهم المدعى و منهم و منهم و منهم و كلهم واحد
كلهم واحد .. كلهم رجال
حتى جاء اليوم .. دخلت فيه حجرتها .. بكت انسانيته 75; .. ثم مسحت دموعها .. صاحبت وحدتها و الفت يفردها ..باتت الان تتقبل غربتها .. اعتادت نظرات التعجب الترقب الرفض و التخوف
فهى انثى رافضة ان تكون فى عالم الرجال!!
تمت
Sunday, August 12, 2007
لا .. لست من الشاعرات
لا .. لست من الشاعرات
قرأت العديد من الصحف و المجلات
دواوين ,روايات و منها المقالات
ابحث عنى فى كل سطر
لعللنى اجدنى فى الابيات
يرقص قلبى مع الضحكات
و يعتصر من الآهات
و لم اجدنى ابدا فى الحكايات
حتى جاء يوم قلت لنفسى
مابك و القراءات
لم لا تعبرى انت
عما بك من انفعالات
لا .. لست بكاتبة
والشعر له كاتبات
فقط اريدك ان تخرجى
من قفص الاتهامات
انا لست بسازجة
قد اكون من الهاويات
فانفتح لى باب من الصفحات
الاقلام فيه فسيحة
و المشاعر حوريات
و مع الموسيقى طار جسدى العارى
فوق كل الاحتمالات
لن ابالى بالكلمات
و لن انتبه للتعليقات
سأكتب لكى انت
سأفرج عن الامنيات
عن الالم و الدمعات
فهيا معى
اغمض عينيك و استمع
سأقص عليك عنى حكايات
قرأت العديد من الصحف و المجلات
دواوين ,روايات و منها المقالات
ابحث عنى فى كل سطر
لعللنى اجدنى فى الابيات
يرقص قلبى مع الضحكات
و يعتصر من الآهات
و لم اجدنى ابدا فى الحكايات
حتى جاء يوم قلت لنفسى
مابك و القراءات
لم لا تعبرى انت
عما بك من انفعالات
لا .. لست بكاتبة
والشعر له كاتبات
فقط اريدك ان تخرجى
من قفص الاتهامات
انا لست بسازجة
قد اكون من الهاويات
فانفتح لى باب من الصفحات
الاقلام فيه فسيحة
و المشاعر حوريات
و مع الموسيقى طار جسدى العارى
فوق كل الاحتمالات
لن ابالى بالكلمات
و لن انتبه للتعليقات
سأكتب لكى انت
سأفرج عن الامنيات
عن الالم و الدمعات
فهيا معى
اغمض عينيك و استمع
سأقص عليك عنى حكايات
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Contradictions
Human nature will always keeps on puzzling us day after day. And the more we know about it, the more we ask and the more we get confused. Believes .. ideologies .. impressions .. stands we take .. all these and a lot more help in making our minds in several matters that we face and go through.
By time, you start to recognize yourself deeper and deeper. The way you like things, those who you like and those you don't. You start to have something like a "catalog" by which you automatically get yourself the answers whenever you need them.
Till you reach the point when you find yourself stuck. You do not what you think highly of and sometimes what you yourself think as wrong or shameful. Life is smart, it puts you every now and then in this tricky situation when you have to face what you believe in.
And I personally think the hardest ever is when you find your self contradicts with your own standards. Here you start to question your self and to think your standards over. Sometimes it's just a tough way to improve yourself. But, other times it just puts you in front of every single though you once ever thought of. How you comprehend each life detail.
And I think what's even more silly and outrageous is when we judge people for their contradictions as if we have never done it. It's by these contradictions that everyone gets the chance to know himself more and more and this is a puzzle that you can't deprive anyone from, since we all go through it from time to time.
Human nature will always keeps on puzzling us day after day. And the more we know about it, the more we ask and the more we get confused. Believes .. ideologies .. impressions .. stands we take .. all these and a lot more help in making our minds in several matters that we face and go through.
By time, you start to recognize yourself deeper and deeper. The way you like things, those who you like and those you don't. You start to have something like a "catalog" by which you automatically get yourself the answers whenever you need them.
Till you reach the point when you find yourself stuck. You do not what you think highly of and sometimes what you yourself think as wrong or shameful. Life is smart, it puts you every now and then in this tricky situation when you have to face what you believe in.
And I personally think the hardest ever is when you find your self contradicts with your own standards. Here you start to question your self and to think your standards over. Sometimes it's just a tough way to improve yourself. But, other times it just puts you in front of every single though you once ever thought of. How you comprehend each life detail.
And I think what's even more silly and outrageous is when we judge people for their contradictions as if we have never done it. It's by these contradictions that everyone gets the chance to know himself more and more and this is a puzzle that you can't deprive anyone from, since we all go through it from time to time.
انت يا جنة حبى و اشتياقى و جنونى
انت يا قبلة روحى و انطلاقى و شجونى
اغدا تشرق اضواءك فى ليل عيونى
اه من فرحة احلامى و من خوف ظنونى
كم اناديك و فى لحنى .. فى لحنى حنين و دعاء
اه رجائى انا .. كم عذبنى طول الرجاء
انا لولا انت .. انت لم تحفل بمن راح و جاء
انا احيا بغدى الان باحلام اللقاء
فات او لا تأت او فافعل بقلبى ما تشاء
من اشعار الهادى آدم ..... اغدا القاك
Sunday, July 08, 2007
can it be normal or at least ordinary?
Your modes fluctuates with every little single event in your life.
You're so much eager to laugh so that you burst out of laughing from any thing near to funny.
And then the simplest silly thing reminds u of what u really are .. an unhappy person.. as if it reminds u of what u basically are.
And afterwards, they all come back together.. to hit all .. suddenly .. with no warning.
And it hurts every time like the first time.
So what?? Stop smiling? one day of this didn't change, the heart would have been used to despair and no hope would be there left in your blood!!
Your modes fluctuates with every little single event in your life.
You're so much eager to laugh so that you burst out of laughing from any thing near to funny.
And then the simplest silly thing reminds u of what u really are .. an unhappy person.. as if it reminds u of what u basically are.
And afterwards, they all come back together.. to hit all .. suddenly .. with no warning.
And it hurts every time like the first time.
So what?? Stop smiling? one day of this didn't change, the heart would have been used to despair and no hope would be there left in your blood!!
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Nessun dorma
"Nessun dorma" is an aria from the final act of Giacomo Puccini's opera Turandot. The aria, whose title translates from Italian as "Let no one sleep", follows the proclamation by the Princess Turandot that no one shall sleep: they shall all spend the night attempting to find out the name of the unknown prince, Calaf, who has set the challenge. Calaf sings, indicating his certainty that their effort will be in vain.
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Translated from the score.
The Prince Nobody shall sleep!... Nobody shall sleep! Even you, o Princess, in your cold room, watch the stars, that tremble with love and with hope.
But my secret is hidden within me, my name no one shall know... No!...No!... On your mouth I will tell it when the light shines.
And my kiss will dissolve the silence that makes you mine!...
The Chorus of women No one will know his name and we must, alas, die.
The Prince Vanish, o night! Set, stars! Set, stars! At dawn, I will win! I will win! I will win!
you can listen to it from here
http://rapidshare.com/files/40330940/09_-_Turandot_-_Nessun_dorma.mp3.html
http://rapidshare.com/files/40330940/09_-_Turandot_-_Nessun_dorma.mp3.html
Thursday, June 28, 2007
LIFE SUX!!
It does! No matter how hard we try to avoid this or to say it's not true .. we know very well inside our minds and hearts that it does, life does sux!!
But actually how we deal with shit is what we really are. Some people try all their lives to make some sense to it.. sometimes they succeed , other times they fail.. most of the times they just can't and then get depressed. Some people have some spiritual values on which they rely.. I know muslims call it "ebtela2" and we look at it as a way to proof we can still say "el7amdolellah"and by that we get "7asanat" and "sawab" aiming for the ultimate goal "eljanna" , this releaves the pain and makes it not only less painful but of great value as well. Other people go for drugs .. alcohol .. antidepressants .. tranquilizers .. anything that just will dissociate them from what their minds can't really digest. Some transform it into different sorts of arts for the rest of humans to enjoy. It's fact that art is pain's new born.
And now comes a question? Why do we get confused when shit happens?? What's so strange about shit? I know a considerable number of people who are completely aware of this "shit happens"! If so.., then why do we all get confused when it happens to us in particular? I mean to be sad .. gloomy .. depressed .. or even suicidal I can get but do u know that most of the time it's the sense of "victimization" is the real cause of most of our bad moments in life?
We get sad when you loose a job we think we deserve, by this I mean any job we think we can not any job that we applied to.
We grief the people whom we loose cause this makes a void in our emotional dependance that we probably spend all our lives trying to ensure it to our selves
You know what... We expect too much from life! In a certain way, our twisted minds have succeeded in convincing us that we owe life that we live it happily though I can never recall a say or contract that supports such a false el ligation.
Who said we should live happy so that our sad moments become so sad?
I remember Quraa'n "lakad khalakna elensana fe kabad" .. pretty simple
it's so simple
It really does
LIFE SUX!
so next time you face a bad time you just remind yourself of this "shit happens and life sux"
to all the people.
don't compare .. always remember .. he who is laughing now didn't spend all his life laughing nor will spend the rest of it doing . Some people are just clever at hiding their tears.. but always remember that they sure are having their shitty share of live.
so just relax and enjoy it as much as you can.. this bad today may be a dream tomorrow cause life can get really ugly. cause it is ugly
It really is
LIFE SUX!!
It does! No matter how hard we try to avoid this or to say it's not true .. we know very well inside our minds and hearts that it does, life does sux!!
But actually how we deal with shit is what we really are. Some people try all their lives to make some sense to it.. sometimes they succeed , other times they fail.. most of the times they just can't and then get depressed. Some people have some spiritual values on which they rely.. I know muslims call it "ebtela2" and we look at it as a way to proof we can still say "el7amdolellah"and by that we get "7asanat" and "sawab" aiming for the ultimate goal "eljanna" , this releaves the pain and makes it not only less painful but of great value as well. Other people go for drugs .. alcohol .. antidepressants .. tranquilizers .. anything that just will dissociate them from what their minds can't really digest. Some transform it into different sorts of arts for the rest of humans to enjoy. It's fact that art is pain's new born.
And now comes a question? Why do we get confused when shit happens?? What's so strange about shit? I know a considerable number of people who are completely aware of this "shit happens"! If so.., then why do we all get confused when it happens to us in particular? I mean to be sad .. gloomy .. depressed .. or even suicidal I can get but do u know that most of the time it's the sense of "victimization" is the real cause of most of our bad moments in life?
We get sad when you loose a job we think we deserve, by this I mean any job we think we can not any job that we applied to.
We grief the people whom we loose cause this makes a void in our emotional dependance that we probably spend all our lives trying to ensure it to our selves
You know what... We expect too much from life! In a certain way, our twisted minds have succeeded in convincing us that we owe life that we live it happily though I can never recall a say or contract that supports such a false el ligation.
Who said we should live happy so that our sad moments become so sad?
I remember Quraa'n "lakad khalakna elensana fe kabad" .. pretty simple
it's so simple
It really does
LIFE SUX!
so next time you face a bad time you just remind yourself of this "shit happens and life sux"
to all the people.
don't compare .. always remember .. he who is laughing now didn't spend all his life laughing nor will spend the rest of it doing . Some people are just clever at hiding their tears.. but always remember that they sure are having their shitty share of live.
so just relax and enjoy it as much as you can.. this bad today may be a dream tomorrow cause life can get really ugly. cause it is ugly
It really is
LIFE SUX!!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
زرار البوز
مش البوز اللى بيان فى خلقة الناس كلها و مخلينا خلاص شعب كده "سحنته نكد ". انا بقصد زرار ال بوز بتاع الميديا بلاير و الكاسيت
اللى بندوس عليه لما ماما تنادى علينا و احنا بنشوف فيلم اباحى او لما اخواتنا يهجموا على الاودة فى احلى حتة فى السونج _ اغنية يعنى_. لأ اصل انا جامده اوى فى الانجليزى
اهو زرار البوز ده استخراع جامد جدا
لو كان البنى ادم ليه زرار بوز كنت دوست على بتاعى
محدش يكلمنى من غير ما ينسونى
مكلمش حد من غير ما يزعلوا
معملش حاجة من غير مارجع ورا
مصحاش من غير ماندم
ماغلطش
ماحلمش
ماضحكش
مابكيش
سييكى عالفلسفة!! طب مانموت احسن. لأ تمنى الموت حرام. بعدين انا بقول بوز
اجمل حاجة انى حارجع بالضبط ماطرح ما وقفت
حاجة تجنن مش كده؟
مش البوز اللى بيان فى خلقة الناس كلها و مخلينا خلاص شعب كده "سحنته نكد ". انا بقصد زرار ال بوز بتاع الميديا بلاير و الكاسيت
اللى بندوس عليه لما ماما تنادى علينا و احنا بنشوف فيلم اباحى او لما اخواتنا يهجموا على الاودة فى احلى حتة فى السونج _ اغنية يعنى_. لأ اصل انا جامده اوى فى الانجليزى
اهو زرار البوز ده استخراع جامد جدا
لو كان البنى ادم ليه زرار بوز كنت دوست على بتاعى
محدش يكلمنى من غير ما ينسونى
مكلمش حد من غير ما يزعلوا
معملش حاجة من غير مارجع ورا
مصحاش من غير ماندم
ماغلطش
ماحلمش
ماضحكش
مابكيش
سييكى عالفلسفة!! طب مانموت احسن. لأ تمنى الموت حرام. بعدين انا بقول بوز
اجمل حاجة انى حارجع بالضبط ماطرح ما وقفت
حاجة تجنن مش كده؟
Saturday, April 21, 2007
The Choices We Make
It's a very well known fact that we pay for our choices and that no matter how hard we try to make it appear that we are in full control, still that part will have to pump. The "forced" part.. The tough one. And through these parts that our self courage and ability to fight for ourselves appear.
The reason I say this is that these days I'm being faced with some of the facts that I thought I'm fully aware of and prepared to face. Most of the time I used to think that I have my full plan with me and there can be no more surprises except for some unexpected events that must happen from time to time to every person. But the truth is it's not planned and I'm not fully prepared. It is as big as I expected and as tiring as I did but waay too much harder.
Am I going to be always ready? Am I always do it correctly? These questions are driving me crazy.
I'm not worried about today or tomorrow..It's the years to come that takes sleep from my eyes. "WHAT IF I AM COMPLETELY WRONG?"
But I don't feel wrong and I know I'm not. May be I won't be as strong as I am now ... all what I have is to pray
So dear GOD! May I remain as strong as I am now
I just wish I don't regret these days when I'm 40!!
The reason I say this is that these days I'm being faced with some of the facts that I thought I'm fully aware of and prepared to face. Most of the time I used to think that I have my full plan with me and there can be no more surprises except for some unexpected events that must happen from time to time to every person. But the truth is it's not planned and I'm not fully prepared. It is as big as I expected and as tiring as I did but waay too much harder.
Am I going to be always ready? Am I always do it correctly? These questions are driving me crazy.
I'm not worried about today or tomorrow..It's the years to come that takes sleep from my eyes. "WHAT IF I AM COMPLETELY WRONG?"
But I don't feel wrong and I know I'm not. May be I won't be as strong as I am now ... all what I have is to pray
So dear GOD! May I remain as strong as I am now
I just wish I don't regret these days when I'm 40!!
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
يا عينى عليكى يا طيبة
لما بتضيعى منا
لما بنصحى نلاقينا
بقينا حد غيرنا
و فى عز الاحتياج
لحضن يضمنا
و فى عز الاشتياق
لحضن يضمنا
قادرين ازاى ندوس
على قلب حبنا
و بقينا ازاى كده
اجمل ما فينا قلب
اصبح حتة حجر
اتعلم الخيانة
و اللعب بالبشر
و مين اختارلنا
و احنا ازاى رضينا
نعيش وحوش فى غابة
و نقول مكتوب عليناا
و اه من يوم هييجى
مليان جرح و الم
هتدور الدايرة بينا
و هندفع التمن
و نصرخ مهما تصرخ
ولا حد هيسمعك
مفيش مركب هتقدر بالعمر ترجعك
و بقينا ازاى كده
لما بتضيعى منا
لما بنصحى نلاقينا
بقينا حد غيرنا
و فى عز الاحتياج
لحضن يضمنا
و فى عز الاشتياق
لحضن يضمنا
قادرين ازاى ندوس
على قلب حبنا
و بقينا ازاى كده
اجمل ما فينا قلب
اصبح حتة حجر
اتعلم الخيانة
و اللعب بالبشر
و مين اختارلنا
و احنا ازاى رضينا
نعيش وحوش فى غابة
و نقول مكتوب عليناا
و اه من يوم هييجى
مليان جرح و الم
هتدور الدايرة بينا
و هندفع التمن
و نصرخ مهما تصرخ
ولا حد هيسمعك
مفيش مركب هتقدر بالعمر ترجعك
و بقينا ازاى كده
These r not my words, these r the words of a very nice song by the Egyptian singer Amal Maher and the music is compsed by Yaser Abdel Rahman. I still dunnow who wrote it but i'll do isa and i'll mention it here.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
I Believe!!
. I believe I deserve a miracle, only if I stop seeing it as a one!
. I believe we all are alone, only those who allow it, feel lonely!
. I believe the very high moments I have during surgery, deserves all the effort!
. I believe everyone can love, and anyone can be loved....but twice together? for the same person??
. I believe I can be a good 40 if I stop wasting my 30s on thinking of it!
. I believe we all become the best ourselves when we feel we don't have to!
. I believe I can accompany myself through it all!
. I believe a kid laugh in a day is more joy than I can ever dream of for myself!
. I believe every sad fearful moment I had in my life actually reminds me that my present pain will end... cause the space has to be emptied for new ones!
. I believe one can lead, but after spending sometime in following and spending some other time in being good at it!
. I believe everything doesn't have to be ok!
. I believe it's not about winning and loosing, it's about being smart enough to enjoy the game anyway!!
. I believe living without a child must be for a very good reason!!
To be continued
. I believe we all are alone, only those who allow it, feel lonely!
. I believe the very high moments I have during surgery, deserves all the effort!
. I believe everyone can love, and anyone can be loved....but twice together? for the same person??
. I believe I can be a good 40 if I stop wasting my 30s on thinking of it!
. I believe we all become the best ourselves when we feel we don't have to!
. I believe I can accompany myself through it all!
. I believe a kid laugh in a day is more joy than I can ever dream of for myself!
. I believe every sad fearful moment I had in my life actually reminds me that my present pain will end... cause the space has to be emptied for new ones!
. I believe one can lead, but after spending sometime in following and spending some other time in being good at it!
. I believe everything doesn't have to be ok!
. I believe it's not about winning and loosing, it's about being smart enough to enjoy the game anyway!!
. I believe living without a child must be for a very good reason!!
To be continued
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Oh commercials... and women!
Pampers .. Needo .. Fair&Lovely ..etc
One very good way to comprehend the very deep structure of a community is to analyze the commercials in it. I myself found that so interesting and in fact supporting most of what I think as "The diseases of our community". Here, I'll give u some good examples and my explanation .
Exclusively DUMP!!
Fair & Lovely is a facial cream that depends on the idea of being a "bleaching " cream in its own success , being cream " beybayad " is what made the owner of this company a multi- zillardaire regardless the fact that it's a cream that contains a very high amount of white paint that my grandmother used to use for hiding the marks we did on her walls , and a freaky percentage of "lime" - mesh mohem enaha megayara elmohem enaha beeda- . In these commercials, u can see that everywhere regardless the situation or the place, the dark woman just because of being dark, looses every and each chance of humanity. So if u wanna be a successful TV presenter, u have to be white.. If u wanna be miss Egypt - knowing that Egyptians are Caucasians which gives them a certain darkness in their skin color - u have to be white . But the best one ba2a.., the commercial where she wants to be a herbal expert - someone who gives lectures about the use of herbs to skin- , and she represented herself but she got humiliated because of her skin .. then when she used "Fair & Lovely" and became white , etfata7etlaha ta2et eladr.
A very interesting point to know that our filthy society can actually practice racism against dark colored skin!! "tab esta7ammo we 7oto deodorant elawel!"
Unbelievably DISCRIMINATIVE!!
Have u watched the cheese ad which shows the little boys and girls and what their future will be if they keep on eating "La Vache qui rit"?
Such a marvelous ad... The guys will be pilots .. politicians .. engineers. As for girls, ballet dancers and teachers!!! she lateef 5ales .. good thing they didn't include nannies and morde3at!!
Awfully DISGUSTING!!
The major price goes to both " NEEDO" AND "PAMPERS" . In these two examples, I can challenge any one if he/she can get me only one commercial where the kid was a girl!!!
Seriously!! It's a challenge.. name me only one!
So having a boy is the only significant reason for buying an expensive brand of powdered milk or diapers. especially in those lovely ones where the mother grows old after giving the most joyful message in the world " RAISING A MAN!!" After all , heya elset ma5loo2a leh aslan!!
Now what's more important than getting what the meaning of these commercials are, is to analyze them.
Who are these commercials addressing? Women
Who are the consumers of such products? Women
Who gets impressed and in fact admired by those ideas? Fucking Women!!
Yes!! The whole muddy crap starts from our side!! Look at it from a very very far perspective - not as a part of the dilemma - you will see that it's a woman who raises her child to be a selfish man and an inferior woman. It's a woman who wishes to have a baby boy before a man does!!
YUUUUUUUUUUUK!!
-to be continued-
One very good way to comprehend the very deep structure of a community is to analyze the commercials in it. I myself found that so interesting and in fact supporting most of what I think as "The diseases of our community". Here, I'll give u some good examples and my explanation .
Exclusively DUMP!!
Fair & Lovely is a facial cream that depends on the idea of being a "bleaching " cream in its own success , being cream " beybayad " is what made the owner of this company a multi- zillardaire regardless the fact that it's a cream that contains a very high amount of white paint that my grandmother used to use for hiding the marks we did on her walls , and a freaky percentage of "lime" - mesh mohem enaha megayara elmohem enaha beeda- . In these commercials, u can see that everywhere regardless the situation or the place, the dark woman just because of being dark, looses every and each chance of humanity. So if u wanna be a successful TV presenter, u have to be white.. If u wanna be miss Egypt - knowing that Egyptians are Caucasians which gives them a certain darkness in their skin color - u have to be white . But the best one ba2a.., the commercial where she wants to be a herbal expert - someone who gives lectures about the use of herbs to skin- , and she represented herself but she got humiliated because of her skin .. then when she used "Fair & Lovely" and became white , etfata7etlaha ta2et eladr.
A very interesting point to know that our filthy society can actually practice racism against dark colored skin!! "tab esta7ammo we 7oto deodorant elawel!"
Unbelievably DISCRIMINATIVE!!
Have u watched the cheese ad which shows the little boys and girls and what their future will be if they keep on eating "La Vache qui rit"?
Such a marvelous ad... The guys will be pilots .. politicians .. engineers. As for girls, ballet dancers and teachers!!! she lateef 5ales .. good thing they didn't include nannies and morde3at!!
Awfully DISGUSTING!!
The major price goes to both " NEEDO" AND "PAMPERS" . In these two examples, I can challenge any one if he/she can get me only one commercial where the kid was a girl!!!
Seriously!! It's a challenge.. name me only one!
So having a boy is the only significant reason for buying an expensive brand of powdered milk or diapers. especially in those lovely ones where the mother grows old after giving the most joyful message in the world " RAISING A MAN!!" After all , heya elset ma5loo2a leh aslan!!
Now what's more important than getting what the meaning of these commercials are, is to analyze them.
Who are these commercials addressing? Women
Who are the consumers of such products? Women
Who gets impressed and in fact admired by those ideas? Fucking Women!!
Yes!! The whole muddy crap starts from our side!! Look at it from a very very far perspective - not as a part of the dilemma - you will see that it's a woman who raises her child to be a selfish man and an inferior woman. It's a woman who wishes to have a baby boy before a man does!!
YUUUUUUUUUUUK!!
-to be continued-
Monday, December 18, 2006
I HATE!!
couple of days I was asked to give my list of my -thing to deal with in Egypt- that I hate, and here it is;
* I hate it when I get into a bus and everyone in it stares at me
* I hate it when I'm in a bus reading something and the one next to me sticks his eyes into what I'm reading even if it's something that he can't follow
* I hate it when a mother walks with her kid next to cars and she's next to the pavement!!
* I hate it when I have to yell , curse and scream explaining to the patients that there's a "line" and "turn"
* I hate it when people gush into the elevator without giving a millisecond chance for those in it to come out.
* I hate it when someone presses on the elevator button 98456238945738945 times like it "hayseeb elly fe 2eedo we yeeegy"!!
* I hate it when someone puts his finger on the elevator button and doesn't leave it "ta3ala hena 7alan .. ana 3ayzak delwa2ty"!!
* I hate it when I'm in a public place in an elevator and I find minimum of five healthy people getting out at the 3rd floor!!!
* You know what? I hate elevators!
* I hate it when I look anywhere to see a man spitting!
* Not to mention the rest of the human physiological actions where you feel the street is his own living room, bedroom and of course...his favorite bathroom!
* I even hate it more when he's close enough so that I can hear the sound effects - like it's an art!-
* I hate it when a 2 cars wide street takes 3 and everyone is scared about his car mirrors and when I don't do that, my family gets cursed and my mom takes most of the prize.
* I hate it when I'm in a bank and someone stands right behind me while I'm counting my money!!
* I hate it when I ask 7 taxis for a ride and none of them agrees regardless where I wanna go (yemshy fady a7san) !!
* I hate it when I get into a bus and everyone in it stares at me
* I hate it when I'm in a bus reading something and the one next to me sticks his eyes into what I'm reading even if it's something that he can't follow
* I hate it when a mother walks with her kid next to cars and she's next to the pavement!!
* I hate it when I have to yell , curse and scream explaining to the patients that there's a "line" and "turn"
* I hate it when people gush into the elevator without giving a millisecond chance for those in it to come out.
* I hate it when someone presses on the elevator button 98456238945738945 times like it "hayseeb elly fe 2eedo we yeeegy"!!
* I hate it when someone puts his finger on the elevator button and doesn't leave it "ta3ala hena 7alan .. ana 3ayzak delwa2ty"!!
* I hate it when I'm in a public place in an elevator and I find minimum of five healthy people getting out at the 3rd floor!!!
* You know what? I hate elevators!
* I hate it when I look anywhere to see a man spitting!
* Not to mention the rest of the human physiological actions where you feel the street is his own living room, bedroom and of course...his favorite bathroom!
* I even hate it more when he's close enough so that I can hear the sound effects - like it's an art!-
* I hate it when a 2 cars wide street takes 3 and everyone is scared about his car mirrors and when I don't do that, my family gets cursed and my mom takes most of the prize.
* I hate it when I'm in a bank and someone stands right behind me while I'm counting my money!!
* I hate it when I ask 7 taxis for a ride and none of them agrees regardless where I wanna go (yemshy fady a7san) !!
After looking at this image in the middle of an article about the power of Muslim brotherhood in the country and their undesirable influences on the masses - something that I myself agree with- .I got so furious for couple of seconds when I saw what's written as a proof of what they wanna say about the retarded face of human rights , then I got disgusted when I looked up and I saw what they use as "hijab" .... So mean btw. .Then I started thinking ;
I can't agree that what these two women wear has anything to do what Islam asked the woman to wear - of course to how I comprehend it- , and yet No, I don't like it that
I refuse it when anyone who opposes the Muslim Brotherhood or any Islamic attitude uses Hijab as a symbol of "the violence of human rights " which is practiced by such structures as Muslim brotherhood.
I can't stand staying for 30 min with anyone who can represent or atleast supports those structures as I myself refuses almost every ideology on which thier whole existance depends!
I'm - proudly- veiled, but still I can't take it to stay in a mosque for half an hour!!
This is not only the case, For dozens of reasons I can't be categorized as a woman, Yet , if not for anything that I really despise at least for the biological reasons , I'm not a man.
WHERE AM I??!!
This sense of individuality has been always a source of my internal power and sense of faith in both my self and my world .
But still, I've reached a point where I can't feel this "BELONGING" anywhere! I don't belong to any system, nor to any group of people. Is it because I gave myself the liberty to think,wonder and evaluate till I refused almost most of everything?? Am I to that extent a loner?
Mind the reasons, not meaning that trying to understand them isn't an issue that has to be discussed, but now the outcome is what really matters.
Here I am , someone who can be easily isolated from anywhere without feeling weird about it.
I can merge anywhere yet I hate everywhere !!
I have to admit it's something that gave my personality great deal of confidence, independence and security- as I'm the only source of reassurance for my own self". But still sometimes it makes me feel lonely to a silly extent. Believe it or not I pass through moments when I need to need someone. - Of course here comes the very ironic question"will you at least find her/him?" but sometimes needing what u can't get is so normal that u wish it for yourself!!
What to do? Can I claim for what I don't believe in to fit in? No .. not that I won't or that I don't accept, I simply can't
How do deal with libertarians when they attack my religion - which I refuse- using what wrongly thought to be regulations claimed by those who hired themselves as religion protectors - to which I object-?
How to deal with the stupidity and selfishness of men and with the negativity and psychological dependence of women?
OK! Skip those now, after all , who put me in the situation of humanity's lawyer? I believe in personal freedom with a very thin limitation guarded by the "overall interest" and so any one - including me - can do, say and believe in whatever he wishes. But, until now I'm the only one I know to have problems in fitting in community because of that.
I'm not making any sense and I will not.
It's cosmic conversation that I frequently have between me and myself that I know will not end - tell u the truth, I don't wish it ends;)-
!!!
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Thought you had all the answers
to rest your heart upon
but something happens
don't see it coming, now
you can't stop yourself
now you're out there swimming
in the deep
Life keeps tumbling you heart in circles
till you let go
till you shed your pride and you climb to heaven
and you throw yourself off
now you're out there spinning
in the deep
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
keep going!
keep going
Where to?.... No way to know
With whome? .... No one, u know!
Take what? ... Your stick, and your memo
Leave what? ... You heart, Yes you heart
Say hi, say bye, say fine and thank you
Give tissues but don't cry
And If u feel like it, just fly
don't be a fool.... remember!
we had a deal ... remember!
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