Monday, November 17, 2008
Car horns were in my ears, Smoke was invading my air, and heat was squeezing my body. Then this voice from the taxi radio of a shaikh saying all people are going to hell came from the background.
People were crossing the street horizontally, cars were moving in all directions, and the feeling of the taxi stopping and going ten times a minute was getting to my nerves.
Then the sound of footsteps started ..The sound of keys .. then the door closed! Amazingly music started to be louder till the guitar started, "best guitar solo that I have ever heard in my life!!" till I wasn't able to perceive anything but these words:
I was spending my time in the doldrums
I was caught in a cauldron of hate
I felt persecuted and paralyzed
I thought that everything else would just wait
While you are wasting your time on your enemies
Engulfed in a fever of spite
Beyond your tunnel vision reality fades
Like shadows into the night
To martyr yourself to caution
Is not going to help at all
because there'll be no safety in numbers
When the right one walks out of the door
** Then the live music from the street .. TV presenter from the news..
Can you see your days blighted by darkness?
Is it true you beat your fists on the floor?
Stuck in a world of isolation
While the ivy grows over the door
So I open my door to my enemies
And I ask could we wipe the slate clean
But they tell me to please go fuck myself
You know you just can't win
Then the best guitar in the world .. at this moment I flew! I flew over place, time and temperature. With the song ending, I found the taxi driver looking at me and he doesn't like it.
He doesn't know where I was that day. He doesn't know I was thinking of her. About what she did to me three years ago. He doesn't know she was the one who taught me not to rely on someone existence in my life.
My god! She was the first friend to be added to my "D & B" *.
And not any friend, she was my best friend!
How bad she hurt me
How deep she affected me
I didn't loose only a friend back then, I lost trust!
He doesn't know she's been trying to talk to me for a year now. She even made some common friends to talk to me about it and not once did I allow anyone to open the subject with me.
Every time I remember her, I remember with bitterness inside. Every time she mails, I look at her name and I feel bad.
"Why can't just let it go?" I asked myself over and over. "Don't I have any good memories for her?" In fact I do.
Till she mailed the last mail (I never expected you to be that harsh!) ... I never expected that either!
(You have to learn to forgive so that you find people to forgive your follies too.) .. I know that!
I don't know why I can't pass what happened between us. I know I have no bad feelings for her now. Have I gone bad? Have I become this black- heart ed and unforgiving loner?
Am I now the "too much" of who I once wanted to be?
I know there was a day that I hoped to be stronger and tougher. I know it took me a lot of self training to be me!
If I feel this bad every time I see her name, why do I feel not OK with not talking to her anymore? I mean this alone is a good reason to be sure we can't be friends anymore.
I realize that. But I wonder why! Why can't I forgive her for what she did ? I look around and I see people forgiving each other. Where have all my forgiveness gone?
All my life, when I flip a page, I never look it up again. Not even a glimpse! This helped me through a lot, it goes even as far as blocking it out, like it never happened from the start!
But now I wonder am I martyring myself to caution? Or is it just human nature?
* (D & B ) is short for delete and block. It's my lovely list of people that I knew and I removed them from my life.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
The fact that someone is still single and he’s growing older is an all-time bugger! For most people think getting older makes it harder to find a partner not to mention a soul mate – supposing they actually exit – especially for women since a big part of the feminine glamour depends on looks and since age affects it big time. So the older the woman gets, the harder it is going to be for her to find a partner.
You know what? Now I’ll surprise you and say I agree! Yes! Every single day a woman passes by makes one step further from where her partner is!
Why? Not cause she gets wrinkles nor cause her body starts to get more fatty, these for some people are even sexier. I know some of men who actually finds the middle aged women hotter than an early twenties one!
It’s cause she becomes more “her” self. One looses this flexibility to accept different characters with age. You can accept having them as friends, close friends; you can even spend weekends or vacations with. But you find it hard to “adapt” to the existence of someone consistently in your life! The “molding” abilities of the person decreases with time.
After a certain age, and after spending sometime wondering between thoughts, one reaches a point where he starts to have definitions and recognitions for things. He starts to have his own comprehension for every aspect. He starts to be “his own”!
Certainly this is fastened and sharpened if the woman lives alone at her place. She is the only owner of the remote control and when she gets back she finds everything right where she left it.
This level of having your life under your control makes it even harder when you’re actually expected to “let go” part of this “control” for someone else and to start “sharing” it with someone.
Why do I say women then? Isn’t this happening to men too? Well yeah, but this profound cause a man is supposed to be “him” all the time, and a woman is expected to do the actually character changes for him, at least most of the time. That’s even why a lot of men prefer marrying a younger wife cause she’ll have all her molding abilities and it’s a higher possibility that she’ll have no personality to be adapted!
I have to say also that the acceptance for the idea of “letting go” and “sharing” is not by far accepted nor allowed by most of men. To some, he won’t be a “man”. To others, this jeopardizes his own self. But to most of them it’s intimidating to be next to a well established, sharply defined, and –mostly- successful woman. I find it dreamy to know a man who doesn’t scared of being involved with such a woman.
So I know now that the older I get, the more I’ll be “me” and the harder it’ll be to find someone. But am I sad about that? Scared? Not at all, cause it’s amazing how you feel you finally reach to your own and be able to define what you really are and where you actually want to go!
Saturday, November 08, 2008
It’s been quite some time now that I recently had the latest break up and I find it hard to get over the whole issue and move on.
Digging deeper into the matter, I found out that I myself don’t actually want to let go, simply cause somehow my twisted mind reached a conclusion that if I really move on this means I wasn’t true about this relationship!!
And so thinking about it, I realized that we resist moving on because we think there’s a proportional relationship between the time we take after the break up to actually regain our lives and how deep our emotions were. And another relationship that measures how profound and true the relation was and relate it to how ruined one’s life is. We intentionally look for the ways that will keep us miserable because we subconsciously need to stay this way to keep on victimizing ourselves and providing our own personality with a romantic=sad flavor!
Who said romance means bitter tears, sad songs and negativity everywhere? Who said that when someone finally finds peace after a break up, he has to look sad, sound miserable and even skip work or act like a complete mess?
If this means anything, it means that we still don’t have faith in ourselves and in our emotions. If I do believe in my love and I am sure I gave that relation the most that I possibly can, then the least I owe myself is peace!
Don’t resist your own power and feed the week demons inside of you to nourish the victim inside you!
Don’t allow anyone – not even yourself – to “test” or “evaluate” your feelings and your giving when you know they are true!
Don’t drag bitterness by listening to sad emotional songs and staying with depressed friends just to keep yourself in the “image”
Don’t mix between loyalty and self destruction and between being loyal to a relationship and being loyal to yourself
And if you’re not a parent, don’t fool yourself that you can love someone more than yourself. Cause simply you shouldn’t and cause simpler, this doesn’t necessarily mean you really love him/her.
Now I’ll go on trying keeping myself positive and won’t blame myself for being OK. I’ll loosen my grip and let go … I’ll just flip the page and be happy as much as I can!