Monday, June 16, 2008
A relationship where I find myself accepted and appreciated for what I really am with no pressure on me from any place to try doing or being something that I'm not can be called a "healthy" relationship. Whereas being in a place where I loose being self freely is by definition a very bad place where I have to so everything I can to be in frequently.
When it comes to dealing with men, as life partners, there's this list known to many women about the mistakes you can do to end up having the relationship cancer which is "be taken for granted".
So women by ages developed vaccinations, warning flayers and one-to-one and one-to-groups lectures. By time, women are fully aware of the concept of how to keep the man away from the place where he can take you for granted.
But then after a while women and men started to over calculate every move, every word, every gesture and every request from the other side. Cause men haven been also brought up with the same protective method against being "markoub" meaning the weak man controlled by his wife and women are now also armed and ready for their battles.
So now it is so normal that you do the exact opposite of what you actually do. Or say what you don't want to say. If you're in a mode for hanging out and you were asked out you are supposed to say no cause you don't want to be the "easy one".
May be when it's saying no for a hangout it's not the end of the world. After all, I can hang out alone. But won't this make us loose our "being our owns"?
I'm one of those who can't loose being spontaneous or at least natural. If by any chance I started to think of every single word and move, I automatically loose my self confidence and actually a big deal of my creativity.
So now I don't know, I do believe being myself is the best. Still I agree that I can't accept being takes for granted.
Friday, June 13, 2008
This part moves me - like a lot of people- and I thought of sharing it with you.
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
I have a dream today!
I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.
I have a dream today!I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."
The whole speech is here
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Hi dear, How are you? I know I'll be fine. Ever since yesterday, I was thinking of what happened, trying to figure out a reason or an explanation. Since I was a little girl, mom used to tell me life won't give you what you want every time and sometimes it'll beat you where it really hurts and take from you the things that are so dear from you no matter how much you wanted them or how hard it'll be for you to survive losing them. This was ok to my brain, but actually my heart didn't seem to grasp it yet.
I know I loved you from the bottom of my heart. I wanted you like I never wanted anything in my whole life. I had my very few sweetest dreams about you. I only pictured myself happy beside you. To me, you were my salvation, my peace, and you were where I go anytime I needed a friend, a hug, or just to hear you telling me it's going to be ok!. Most of the times, you didn't tell me this, but you didn't have to say it in fact, just be near to you was enough for me.
Through all these years, you were not so nice to me. You turned your back everytime I ran to you and I smiled. You made me cry and I didn't blame you. You made me feel bad about myself and I allowed it. You made it easier for anyone who wanted to hurt me. If this is what it takes to be around you.
No one dared treating me the way you did. No one understood how and why I was ok with it. To some, you were fine but not to that extent. For others, you were not that much of a friend to work this hard to be close to you, just to be a far friend is enough. To all of them you were just a "job". But you know very well you were deep deep in my heart, and they couldn't see why. You know very well you were - are- my passion!
After all, in spite of how bad you were to me, you helped me getting through these tough times.
I gave you chances that you never asked for. I chose to believe you're good to me if by chance you did something nice - unintentionally -. I fooled myself that you're just (tough) or (hard) or that this is just how you are and if I'm as loyal as I claim, I have stick and be strong. I blamed myself for every back step that was taken between us. "It must have been something you should have done and missed" I recited that to myself over and over. There's no such a valuable thing in this life that comes easily and I used that to motivate myself to work even harder. But it was never hard enough, I was never good enough.
I refused each and every sign of failure, and they were not a few.
I refused the advices from all the people who told me I should get a way out.
I refused even listening to my own self when I told me "Enough"
I do believe every person is meant to have this really bad relationship in his life. The one that hurts the most, the one that never gets better no matter how hard one tries to work it. And it's this relationship that either makes the soul as strongest.. as powerful.. and as fearless as it can get, or sabotages it for good.
I know I have to be strong now. And it's not cause I refuse that, or cause I don't want it. But because I can't take it anymore!
So I'll be gone for a while. I can't promise to come back though I'm not saying I won't. It's just that I need to be distant from you for sometime.
No matter what happens I will never forget you. And I'll always always love you from the deepest part of my heart.
P.S.: I have to thank my friend Marwa Rakha cause she's the one who inspired me with this idea of writing you a letter.