Thursday, May 29, 2008
Strength is a miraculous power by which some people are blessed. It's by their internal strength that they pass through pain.
Lately I started to feel my strength is a my misery. For some people think as long as I can survive so the pain is Ok!!
In Neurology, there's a concept called " The threshold of pain " It's about the fact that each nerve is built up with the maximum excitation that the nerve can take above which the nerve will send some signals for the person to recognize that his body is under attack to take an action away from the pain.
Couple of years ago, I had this slight pain in my teeth which I was puzzled by. As my sister is a dentist, I showed her and she told why don't you come at my work to check it and I did. She and her supervisor doctor were shocked, I saw it in their faces that I was worried for a while. "What's the matter?" I anxiously asked... " You have a very deep caries in one of your molars" She said .." and you're lucky it didn't reach the nerve bulb, I wonder how it took this long to feel the pain. You really have a very high pain threshold"
She was complementing me but here it shows how my "High pain threshold" isn't much of a bless for it masks the fact that I'm being hurt and it fools everyone, me included, that I can take it while the fact is my body can't.
Yes, there were time in my life when I hated my strength! There were times that envied people who loose consciousness when they are put under stress for other do their best not to stress on them.
I wished I broke down into pieces may be he'd leave me alone.
I wished my heart would stop beaten for you to stop grasping it with your grip.
I wished for even to die for the pain to go away!
May be my death will take you out of my waisted life. May be earth and dust will be more merciful on my stabbed heart. May be this will make all the pain, aches and bitterness go far far from my gone soul.
It's my strength that helps me surviving you each time.
And it's my survival that challenges you to hit harder every time.
OK! Fine!! I'll say it! Just leave me alone!!I swear to god I can't take it anymore..
Do you need to see me broken into pieces for you to leave in peace?
What if my body is so stronger than to be crushed?
What if my heart is sighing "Enough"!!
But no! You'll keep hitting every piece
You'll keep killing every beat
You'll keep fighting every bit of hope..every trace of pride and sign of independence
I know no way to tell you this...But really truly I honestly can't take it anymore!!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Few hours ago, I just finished watching the movie " American History X" . And Couldn't stop thinking.
What an amazing movie that touches a deep part of human nature, a part that actually shapes the rest of the pieces needed for a person to be be "human". This part is called " Faith"!
Forget about Blacks, Whites, Nazis. Ans mind the whole American history. This movie takes us to a very insightful journey inside the human brain. How it is so easy sometimes to fill it with all the crap of judgmental hatred and chaos, as long as you're giving this particular brain the privilege of being the smarter and so long you're reciting to him over and over that he's a hero and that he's defending a bigger cause.
How many people , young people, have you seen who are bold, naked, accessorrized and they have this look in their eyes. The look that says " I know I'm great! I know I represent what's right and what life is really all about. I'm sure I'm better, but I'm so empty headed and my soul is being fed by nothing but bitterness and grudge against each and everyone who is not me and I even have no reason for all this!"
I know I have seen some of them. Actually I was lucky to see a variety of them; Islamics, Seculars, Communists, anti feminists..etc
They are all the same. Same look, same attitude, same arrogance, same shallowness, and even same boldness sometimes!
They all have the same book containing the same vocabulary but may be in different order.
But what really touched me in the movie was not all this. It's the journey itself! Starting from the mere belief without any traces of comprehension, passing through the massive painful failure when life tests those statues and it becomes stabbing obvious how fragile all this system really is, ending by self destruction and agony.
It's the very well known story of how terrorism came to our lives taking all the air and giving us anger and stubbornness instead to breath.
Smart people question what they grow up into. Pure people ask their hearts, for hearts never lie.
Brave people don't fake. If they don't buy it they say it and they say it out loud!
They are the ones change the world, they are those who make history and they are always the ones who pay everything- even their lives sometimes- for defending the truth and for declaring it!
I'll end this quoting from the movie .. This is the last lines said:
So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned - my conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it. Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like. 'We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.'Note: The final quote was for Abraham Lincoln